


Don't Panic

by Randstrom



Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel)
Genre: Anxiety, Bisexual Character, Child Abuse, Closeted Character, Crushes, Cutting, Depression, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, Family, Fluff and Angst, Gender Identity, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, M/M, Pansexual Character, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-16
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:01:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 81,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24216352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Randstrom/pseuds/Randstrom
Summary: Sayori learns that her childhood friend and long-standing crush is actually gay, kicking off an unexpected chain of events that changes the dynamics between all of the club members.
Relationships: Monika/Natsuki (Doki Doki Literature Club!), Protagonist (Doki Doki Literature Club!)/Original Male Character(s), Sayori/Yuri (Doki Doki Literature Club!)
Comments: 163
Kudos: 168





	1. Panic (Monika)

**Author's Note:**

> This is a new timeline, separate from my other DDLC fics, in which nobody is completely straight. It's gonna be more of a cute ship story than my other stuff and I'm really looking forward to it. It's a non-game au, and takes place in a fictional Pacific island country that borrows heavily from both Japanese and North American culture to account for the "pseudo-japan" setting of the original game.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Monika's newest club member is being pretty forward with his childhood friend. She feels like she has to step in, but god, it's hard.

Monika sat back, watching the bizarre scene unfold in her literature club. 

"Why do you think you don't have a boyfriend yet?" Her newest member, Em, asked his childhood friend (and the club's vice president) as he fussed over her disheveled uniform. Well, technically his name was Emas, apparently coming from Indonesia where his family originated, but everyone called him Em, and he seemed to like it that way. 

"Eh?? That's  _ super  _ mean!" whined Sayori, the target of his berating. 

"Sorry, but you'll thank me later... Once you see how much better it looks, you'll change your mind," the new boy replied, fastening the buttons of her blazer.

_ Should I put a stop to this? I know they've been friends forever, but is this, like, sexual harassment or something? _

Monika pondered her course of action as the pair continued to bicker. She could see Yuri sneaking furtive glances at Sayori and blushing as Em struggled to button the highest button. The shy girl seemed to have been paying a lot of attention to the vice president recently.

Monika really ought to have stepped in to stop the boy, but the idea of calling him out sent a chill down her spine. Totally, absolutely, definitely not procrastinating this duty, Monika's eyes wandered over to Natsuki, sitting in the back-corner desk with her manga. The low-hanging sun shone through the window and made her spot look so warm and inviting. It highlighted Natsuki's soft pink hair with a glow that was like a fucking angelic Halo, and—

Monika caught herself staring and brought her attention back to Sayori, listening closely.

"So if I keep it unbuttoned, then I won't get a boyfriend, right?" Sayori asked, oddly bashful for once. 

_ Ha, I knew she had a crush on him. He seems oblivious though… or is he not interested? Ooh and there's maybe a love triangle with Yuri— Spicy!  _

"What kind of logic is that? And why are you saying that like it's a good thing?" Em sassed, before his expression puzzlingly changed to one far more serious. Eyes suddenly full of anxious hope, he whispered, "W-wait, Sayori… A-are you gay too?"

_ HOOOO THE PLOT THICKENS! The spice INTENSIFIES! I never expected this kind of shit to happen in my tiny club!  _

Nothing about this guy had seemed particularly effeminate or flamboyant to Monika... She sighed, chiding herself for thinking along the lines of such silly stereotypes. As a proud pansexual herself, she thought she ought to know better, right?

"W-what? Em… you're  _ gay _ ?!?" Sayori asked a little too loudly. Now everyone was staring at her, and her shocked expression broke. Her mouth was still caught between a grimace and a forced smile, but tears were spilling out of her eyes. "I-I uh- I gotta go to the bathroom!" She announced, rushing out the door.

Monika, along with the other two girls, stared slack-jawed for a few moments. Her stupor broke when she noticed Em's shoulders starting to shake. The boy sat down at the nearest desk, burying his face in his hands as he tried (and failed) to suppress his sobs. 

Okay, she  _ definitely _ had to do something now, so Monika slowly made her way to the desk beside him and took a seat. Yuri and Natsuki both acted as if they were reading, but Monika was keenly aware that they were listening in.

"Hey. Uh... it's okay. I know having someone yell it out like that is tough, but we're not gonna judge you, or think less of you or anything. I'm pan myself so…"

"A-are you kidding?!? D-did you n-not just see that?!? She couldn't even l-look me in the eyes when I told her. S-Sayori's my only real f-friend and n-now she-" the poor boy couldn't finish his sentence.

_ Okay, maybe I just need to be real with him, because he's definitely misunderstanding.  _

Monika took a deep breath and swallowed. "Listen, Em, don't panic. I think you have the wrong idea here. Sayori's definitely not homophobic, and I don't really think she's totally straight either. If you heard how she talks about her favorite actresses... well that's beside the point. She was upset because she has feelings for you."

"Wh-what?" The dense boy looked back at her as if her head had turned into a cantaloupe.

Monika felt kinda bad for revealing Sayori's crush like that, but she reasoned that the other girl had sorta earned it with the way she handled that situation. She couldn't have just left him crying like that, could she?

"It's true," Monika continued. "She's been talking about you in the club for ages— about how helpful and patient and funny you are with her. And the point she was getting at about not wanting a boyfriend… if she had a boyfriend it would be a lot harder for her to stay so close with you. You've gotta admit the way you were just acting with her is a little weird. Would any boyfriend of hers who didn't know you were gay be okay with that?"

"I...I-I" he stammered.

Monika exhaled, looking at the door, then back at Em. "I don't know if I'm the person you should be talking to right now, though. Why don't you go find her?"

Em nodded and sniffled as he stood up. He wiped his eyes on his sleeve before he exited the clubroom. _Well that was an unexpected turn of events,_ Monika thought to herself. 

When a single, not-so-well-read boy had joined her all-female club the previous day, she had questioned his intentions. 

_ I guess he really did just want to be supportive of Sayori and help us get official recognition, though... _

She turned around to address the remaining two club members. "Okay, guys, I think... they're gonna be a while. Why don't we just go ahead with the poetry exchange without them? 

Nats rolled her eyes, reluctantly fishing out a notebook, while Yuri gulped and reached into her bag. Monika thought it was pretty cute how nervous they both were about it.  _ Oh, I should've gotten my own poem out first— I'm in charge of this thing and I'm the least prepared… whatever, I guess they can share with each other first. What's the worst that could happen?  _

"Uh, you two get started, okay?" 

Monika stood up after flashing an encouraging smile to Natsuki and Yuri. She walked to the front of the classroom where she'd left her bag, and retrieved her composition journal. 

Flipping through her poems, she found the one she'd written first. It was called "lava cake," and mimicked the style of the poem Natsuki had forgotten at her desk the other day. In what was  _ definitely _ just a general metaphor, totally not referring to any specific person, it described a dessert with a hard shell of an exterior, appearing as a solid hunk of chocolate, when in fact, it was not solid at all inside, but gooey and vulnerable. But these two parts alone did not define the dish— it was all being supported by a strong foundation of cake that was both solid and soft at the same time. 

Flustered by the very idea of sharing this first poem, she turned the page to a much more avant-garde, abstract poem that would keep most anyone guessing as to its meaning.  _ This'll do. Don't want to give anyone the wrong idea... _

When Monika looked up and saw the other twos' faces, she was hit with an uneasy feeling.

"What's with this language?" Nats muttered to herself.

Yuri looked up from the page she was reading. "Huh? D-did you say something?"

"Oh, it's nothing. I guess you could say it's fancy"

"Oh— Thanks… Yours is… cute..." Yuri replied, avoiding eye contact.

"Cute?!?" Natsuki snapped, nostrils flaring. "Did you completely miss the symbolism or something? It's clearly about the feeling of giving up. How can that be cute?"

"I-I know that! I just meant… the language, I guess… I-I was trying to say something nice."

Natsuki glared back indignantly. "Really? You mean you have to try that hard to come up with something nice to say? Thanks, but it really didn't come out nice at all!"

_ This is bad. This is very bad… _

"Um… w-well, I do have a couple suggestions..." Yuri muttered timidly.

Natsuki scoffed. "If I was looking for advice on how to write pretentious bullshit I would have asked."

"E-excuse me?!?" For the first time ever, Monika saw anger in the eyes of her quietest club member. "Is a basic metaphor too much for you to comprehend? Should we sit in on some middle school classes together so that one of the most fundamental of literary devices doesn't seem so outlandish and  _ pretentious _ to you?"

_ Oh no. I need to do something about this. But… fuck! _

"It's not the fact that you used a metaphor, it's the way you used it," Natsuki retorted in frustration. "You're obscuring the actual message of the poem behind all the convoluted language! The meaning should jump out at the reader, not force them to have to figure it out."

Yuri shook her head. "That's such a reductive idea. Is there no nuance, or paradox, or doubt to the human experience? Is everything black and white? There's a reason we have so many deep and expressive words in our language! It's the only effective way to explore complex feelings and ideas. Avoiding them is not only unnecessarily limiting yourself...it's also a waste!"

Monika felt obligated to step in and tell them to stop before this argument got out of hand, but she was paralyzed. The thought of confronting them while they were already so heated was just- AAAAHHHH.  _ If only Sayori was here. _

She shifted where she stood, trying to will herself to say something, when Natsuki's head suddenly whipped around toward her. "Monika! You get what I'm saying right? Back me up here!"

"Don't drag her into this!" Yuri scolded.

_ Oh shit, they noticed me.  _ Monika's mind began to spin out of control _. I need to stay neutral as the president right? Aah, but I really don't want to make Natsuki mad— maybe I should side with her… But fuck, my poem is pretty metaphorical too, so that would make me kind of a hypocrite. My own approach is probably closer to Yuri's here, and I can't agree with Nats just because I have a crush on her. Wait… did I just admit to myself that… okay that's not important right now, fuck.  _

In the end Monika just stood there. She kept opening her mouth to say something and then closing it again.

"Will you tell Yuri to stop being such a stuck-up jerk?" Natsuki asked, completely ignoring the purple-haired girl's protest.

Yuri stepped closer to catch Natsuki's attention once more. "She would never! Look at her— it was your immaturity that made her upset like this in the first place!"

"Are you listening to yourself?!?" Natsuki pointed a finger at Yuri's face. "This is exactly why…" she hesitated for a moment before going in for the kill. "Exactly why nobody likes you! Have you ever considered that maybe there's a  _ reason _ you don't have any friends?!? Like, how maybe that self-important attitude of yours is  _ kind of _ fucking off-putting, and maybe nobody would pick on you if you just acted like a  _ regular fucking person _ ? Or are you too fucking  _ inept _ to even have that level of self-awareness?"

The wind vanished from Yuri's sails completely. There was no comeback, no defense, no reciprocated insult... Without another word, she fled, not quite walking but not quite jogging either. For minutes, Monika stared at the door, dumbfounded as she wondered how this one meeting had gone so horribly wrong. The dissonance of someone she admired saying something so mean flooded her mind.

Shifting her gaze to Natsuki, she saw the short girl back at her seat in the corner of the classroom, holding her face in her hands. Awkwardly, Monika approached and slid into an adjacent chair. "So…"

"I know." Natsuki cut her off. "I went way too far, and I need to apologize or whatever."

"Uuh… yeah." Monika's heart palpitated. She wanted Natsuki to like her, and having to admonish the girl felt dangerous; this situation was on a totally different, much more  _ real _ level from just teasing her about her manga. "W-what… what was that about?"

"I don't know. I was just...  _ really pissed _ and I wanted to hurt her. And I said the nastiest, deepest-cutting thing I could think of, 'cause I'm an awful bitch."

"Natsuki, don't say that. It's… it's not like you actually meant what you said, right?"

The shorter girl made eye contact, silent tears rolling down her cheeks.  _ Christ, that's everyone now, isn't it?  _ Monika swallowed, realizing they might not make it through this without losing a member or two.

"Did you see her face before she ran off?" Natsuki asked. "Thinking about it makes me want to throw up. Everyone knows she gets bullied a lot. This was probably the  _ one _ safe place she had and I just ruined it."

Monika nodded. Yuri was a year older than the rest of them, but even the second-years (except maybe Sayori) knew that Yuri's status was quite low amongst her classmates, and that she was often the target of cruel remarks, pranks, and occasionally minor violence.

“I feel like I should leave the club so that she can feel safe here again but…” Natsuki’s quiet tears began to break into sobs, “b-but I don’t wanna give it up. I-it’s the same kind of place for me.”

After a moment of panicked indecision, Monika gently hugged the weeping girl, softly patting her on the back. Her heart felt like it was trying to break out of her ribcage with a battering ram. Not one of the modern ones that police used, but the gigantic logs armies used to break into castles in the middle ages, or at least in movies loosely set in the middle ages.  _ Hopefully Natsuki doesn't notice that.  _

After what felt like several long moments of silence, but was just a few seconds in reality, Monika tried to reassure her companion. “Hey, it’s alright. You don’t have to worry. We’ll get this sorted out.”

As she said that Monika heard the scuff of someone's school slippers against the floor on the far side of the room. Her fluttering heart sank into the pit of her stomach.  _ Please be anybody but Yuri. _

Sure enough, Yuri was back, still shaken and raw-eyed from earlier, and now bearing a look of hurt and betrayal towards her.

"Y-Yuri… uh… it's not what it looks- uh, I… I'm not taking sides, I swear!"

The tall girl didn't reply. Hiding her face with one hand, she walked to her desk, hastily grabbed her things, and literally  _ ran _ away.

_ Fuck.  _

Just minutes ago, Monika had imagined a fanciful love triangle between Sayori, Em, and Yuri, as if this was some cute TV drama, but suddenly the strained interpersonal relationships between her club members were threatening to dismantle the whole thing. 

_ The day after we'd gotten enough people too… _

After Natsuki had managed to calm down, she awkwardly said her goodbyes and left Monika alone in the clubroom. The green-eyed girl glanced at the yet-unclaimed bags belonging to Sayori and Em. With a resigned sigh, she pulled out her phone to text Sayori. 

[Will you & Em be coming back for your bags? I can take them if not.]

Monika sat down, mind wandering to what Nats had said.  _ 'I don't want to give it up. It's the same kind of place for me.' _

Why would the club be the only place Natsuki felt safe? She had friends to eat lunch with, and while they seemed to tease her about her height, she didn't have a serious bullying problem like Yuri. And Yuri— how would she approach her to explain what had happened? She must've felt abandoned and betrayed, seeing the club president comforting the person who had just attacked her so ruthlessly.

Monika's thoughts were interrupted by the buzzing of her phone, with a reply from Sayori.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here I am with a ship fic now after spending like 2 years on mostly non-romantic stories :O   
> Hoping I can do a passable job of writing lighter, fluffier, more romantic stories.  
> In this story, Sayori, Natsuki, Monika, and MC are all second years and Yuri is a third year, in a 4-year high school system. I hope you'll come along for the ride!


	2. Vulnerable (Sayori)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sayori and Em have a chat after the awkwardness that happened in the clubroom. Eventually their talk is interrupted by something worrying

_ Stupid stupid stupid! _

Sayori smacked both of her hands against her head as she rushed down the hall. She'd just found out that Em, her childhood friend and the boy she'd had a crush on for as long as she could remember, was gay.

_ How could I not have noticed? I'm supposed to be his best friend! _

Sayori sniffled, wiping her nose on the sleeve of her blazer. She knew it was gross and messy and not the smartest option, but she was too upset to care. She opened the door to the stairwell at the far end of the school and sat down on the steps. She was upset in so many different ways at the same time, and it was overwhelming.

The sting of being rejected, albeit in an unconventional way. The frustration that she'd never noticed on her own, despite calling herself his friend. The guilt over running off after he came out to her, and over accidentally outing him to the whole club. The hurt that he hadn't confided in her earlier.

_ Why didn't he trust me enough to tell me before now? And it seemed like he let it slip on accident…god, I'm a useless friend aren't I? _

She cried for what felt like the thousandth time this month. Typically, Sayori just felt hollow and numb, experiencing only faint shadows of the emotions she ought to be feeling. But, for a few minutes almost every night, usually in the wee hours of morning, she'd be hit with waves of misery so deep and powerful that she wanted to die. She'd often break down and weep into her pillow, reverting to the anesthetized husk of a person that normally occupied her body shortly thereafter.

Today, it seemed she was getting an extra helping. Sayori wished she could go back and re-do that whole interaction. That she go back to her childhood and stop herself from falling for Em. That she could go back to before she was born and stop her existence from ever happening.

She heard the door open behind her and held her breath. She didn't want whoever was passing through the stairwell to hear the disgusting sounds of her sobbing, or worse, have to waste their time trying to make a pathetic sad sack like her feel better. But it wasn't just some random stranger passing through. 

"S-Sayori?" Em's voice, quiet and breaking, called her name.

The peach-haired girl released her breath and turned to look at the brown-haired boy. He looked so anxious and scared. His eyes were raw and watery and  _ pleading _ as he cautiously approached and sat down beside her.

"Y-you don't hate me, right? M-Monika was telling the truth? That you were just sad because you had a crush one me?"

Sayori felt a sharp pang of embarrassment. 

"Of course I don't hate you, Em. I… just c'mere"

Sayori pulled the boy's face into her shoulder and hugged him tightly.

"I was so s-scared," he whispered. "You looked so upset, and I thought you were gonna stop talking to me and… I need you Sayori. You're my best friend and I can't lose you."

Sayori knew that was a lie. Or, more like a misjudgement. She knew she was the one who needed him, and that she'd somehow managed to trick him into thinking it was the other way around because she was an evil nasty piece of evil nasty trash, subconsciously manipulating kind-hearted people into caring for her.

She tried to snap herself away from this negative spiral. "You sure pick on me a lot for someone who feels that way!" She teased. "Really, though, I'd never think less of you for your sexuality, Em. I was just upset that… that I couldn't have you, I guess. And that I hadn't figured it out on my own, even though I call myself your friend."

Breaking out of the hug, the boy pulled his knees close to his body. "Well… I did try pretty hard to hide it from everyone. I-I'm... not the only one from our mosque who goes to school here, so, y'know… i-if word made it back to my parents..."

"Ah… okay..." Sayori replied.

_ His parents are pretty old-school. I guess it makes sense that he doesn't want them to find out... _

"I wanted to tell you before, I really did, but…"

"N-no that's okay. I understand. And it's not like the subject ever came up. I'm bisexual. If I'd told you about it… maybe you wouldn't have felt so alone..." Sayori looked down at the floor, guilty. 

_ I'm such a hypocrite, being hurt that he never came out to me when I never told him about this before... _

"Hey, it's alright," Em assured. "You've been a better friend to me than I deserve, Sayori. I don't treat you well enough. A-and you better not try to fight me on that!"

Sayori held her tongue. She didn't believe him, but she didn't want to argue and make him mad. She shouldn't have made that joke earlier— It was perfectly fine how much he picked on her.

_ I guess it felt kinda nice to hear, though… _

"Do you wanna go get a snack with me?" he offered. "It'll be my treat."

Sayori looked back at him for a moment. Even now, knowing they couldn't be together in  _ that way, _ her heart raced a little at the offer. "Okay."

Em helped her to her feet and slowly descended the stairs. "I'm sorry I can't return your feelings Sayori. You deserve so much love. From someone better than me, to be frank."

The peach-haired girl didn't know what to do with herself— It was uncanny hearing Em say such kind things, or at least nice things that weren't bookended by insults. (When he did that it felt like less of a lie.) But it had been years since she'd seen this vulnerable side of him. 

_ This is... nice _ , she thought as they walked together in silence to the first floor vending machines. Sayori chose a packet of chocolate chip cookies, while Em opted for a bag of Doritos. The pair sat on a bench near the shoe cubbies and shared a bottle of apple juice as they munched in their snacks.

_ Maybe this is for the best. If I get a boyfriend or girlfriend, they have no right to complain about me being too close with a gay guy, right? _

"So," Sayori mischievously inquired, "anybody you have a crush on that I should know about? Huh? Spill it so I can critique your taste in cute boys!"

"W-well," he said blushing, "I don't know. There are guys that are nice to look at here... I don't really  _ hang out  _ with anybody enough to get a crush… but I do have an online friend that I kind of like."

"Ooh, okay. And you're sure he's not a catfish, right?"

"Uh… yeah. We've been in group video chats together before so... yeah." He said bashfully. "It's kind of weird but we're both part of this, like, sub-community, like… support group thing for queer people within the fandom of a game that-"

Em's explanation was interrupted by the sound of loud footsteps approaching. It sounded like the person was very upset, struggling for breath and crying. 

Sayori gasped as Yuri suddenly rushed by, not even bothering to stop at the cubbies and change into her real shoes.

"Yuri? Are you okay?!?" Sayori called out, but the tall girl didn't seem to notice, already halfway out the door by the time she managed to speak.

"Uh, sh-should we maybe follow her and make sure she's alright?" Em asked.

Sayori's eyes darted between him and the door for a moment. "Y-yeah, let's."

As they put on shoes to go after Yuri, Sayori received a text from Monika.

[Will you & Em be coming back for your bags? I can take them if not.]

_ That's what she's texting about right now? _

Outright ignoring the question, Sayori replied,

[What the heck happened?!?]

[Why did Yuri just run out of the building crying?]

[We're looking for her now.]

She ran out the front door with Em.

"Shit," he said, looking around the school yard, "no sign of her."

Sayori nodded anxiously.

"Okay, uh, I'll look down the streets to the left of the gate, and you take the right. Text if you find her."

The boy nodded and ran down the street.

Sayori's phone buzzed with a message from Monika as she set off in the other direction. 

[I messed up.]

_ What the heck happened? _

She peered down all the perpendicular streets as she jogged along the sidewalk, weaving around the occasional office workers and students walking along the road. The sun had recently set, and while the sky wasn't completely dark, it was getting somewhat difficult to see down the side streets that didn't have lights.

A cramp began to stab at Sayori's lung on one side as she ran, and she cursed herself for being stupid and lazy and out of shape, but before she could stop for a break, she spotted Yuri's tall figure, limping ahead. She quickly texted Em.

[Found her, you're off the hook!]

With renewed vigor, she dashed toward her club mate. It turned out to be a mistake, as she was too out of breath to speak when she finally reached her target.

"S-Sayori? What are you doing here? D-did you follow me?"

Sayori nodded, taking in the sight of the teary-eyed girl, who had scrapes on the heels of her hands and a badly skinned knee.

_ She must have tripped when she was running. _

"I-I'm sorry." The shy girl looked down at her feet. "I must have run past you in the school at some point... n-naturally you would be concerned," Yuri seemed to be thinking out loud. She lifted her eyes to look at Sayori. "I'm sorry. It's not worth s-straining yourself over. I should have been more considerate."

"Don't- *hahh* don't apologize Yuri. It was- *haahh* my choice to chase after you." Sayori spoke through her labored breathing.

"But it's not worth-"

Taking a step closer, Sayori covered Yuri's mouth with her hand. "Nope, you're- *hah* not allowed to decide that. Come over here."The purple-haired girl was taken aback with the forward gesture.

Leading Yuri to a nearby concrete wall that was an acceptable sitting height, where they could chat out of the way of other pedestrians, Sayori sat down and motioned for Yuri to do the same. After taking a moment to catch her breath, she turned to her friend.

"Are you okay? Your knee looks pretty busted up."

"O-oh it's nothing," Yuri dismissed.

"But you were limping. And look, your sock's getting all bloody 'cause it's dripping down…"

Looking away, Yuri countered, "I-it's just a sock. A-and I'm sure I'll be able to walk n-normally in a few minutes. Y-you know how it is right after you hit your elbow or knee."

Sayori nodded, uneasily. It felt like Yuri was showing a bit of disregard for her own wellbeing.  _ I'm a hypocrite if I say anything about that though... _

Reluctantly, she switched topics to the issue at hand.

"So tell me what happened at the club after me and Em left. Like, in detail. I want to know what happened to upset you so badly."

Yuri fidgeted with her hair and avoided eye contact.  _ Probably trying to think of some way to worm out of the uncomfortable topic, _ Sayori thought, but eventually the purple-haired third-year gave up and responded in earnest. 

"W-well… we did the poetry exchange without you two, a-and I traded with Natsuki first. W-we had… a bit of a disagreement about what should go into writing a poem, and… i-it devolved into an argument. Natsuki said some things that were… very hurtful, th-though I suppose fairly accurate, and…" Yuri buried her face in her hands.

"Go on," Sayori encouraged. She made a mental note to corroborate this story with Monika. Natsuki certainly had a temper; Sayori knew from experience that the short girl was liable to lash out and say super nasty things under certain circumstances, and she wasn't sure that Yuri, with such low self-esteem, was a reliable narrator regarding the severity.

Yuri swallowed and nervously continued her recounting. "W-well, I left for a little bit. I-I didn't want to cry in front of them, I guess… And when I came back, M-Monika was holding Natsuki, c-comforting her. Th-the worst I called her was 'immature,' a-and the fact that Monika thought she was the one who ought to be sympathized with…" Wet streaks glistened on Yuri's face. "I know it's petty, b-but it really hurt me. I-it made me feel… unwelcome."

_ So that's what Monika meant in that text. _

"I'm sorry Yuri, that sounds tough." Sayori gently wrapped her arms around the other girl.

Yuri's voice broke as she leaned into the hug. "T-t-to be honest I'm d-dreading going back to the club. Part of me just w-wants to resign, but..." Her cracked voice petered out to silence.

_ Poor Yuri.  _

Sayori thought for a moment, carefully choosing her words as she let go of her companion. "Well, I understand where you're coming from, and it's  _ your _ choice, but for what it's worth, I'd be really sad to see you go."

Yuri was silent for a long moment, before she quietly replied, looking resigned and staring at the ground in front of her. "Y-you don't have to say kind things like that just to m-make me feel better. I know everyone basically just _ t-tolerates  _ my presence."

Sayori sat, stunned for a moment. It was a thought she'd had about herself recently, almost verbatim, when Monika was telling her how important she was to the club. Could Yuri feel the same kind of emptiness as her? Was she not the only one who felt so worthless? 

_ There's no way… she's so pretty and smart… she's not actually useless like me. But maybe I should spend a little time with her to make sure she's okay… _

"Y-Yuri… I promise that's not true." Sayori took the purple-haired girl's hands in her own, making her flush. "Tell ya what— let's skip club together tomorrow. Let's go out after school."

Yuri's blush deepened. "G-go out?"

"Yeah, just the two of us! There's a bakery on the other side of the city that Em went to a couple weeks ago, and he brought me back a pastry that was  _ soooo good _ . I wanna go there myself and see what else they have to offer!"

"Uh, I-I…" Yuri took a deep breath in an out. "Y-yes that would be nice. A-are you sure it's okay with M-Monika?" 

"This isn't something for Monika to decide. You had your feelings hurt, and I want to help you feel better. Not because I have to, but because I want to. And it'll be nice to get to know you a little more, Yuri, you're always so quiet."

Yuri's eyes widened and she quickly averted them. "U-uh, y-yeah, that sounds... n-nice."

"Great!" Sayori replied. "Here, can you add your number to my phone?"

"O-okay."

When Yuri had entered her number and handed the phone back, Sayori sent her a text so that Yuri would have her contact info in turn.

[Hey there grape juice, here's my numberrrr]

To Sayori's surprise, the taller girl pulled out a flip phone to read the text. 

"Grape juice?" Yuri asked, perplexed.

"Yeah! 'Cause you're purple and you're sweet!" Sayori announced playfully.

Yuri looked down at her feet. "W-well, I suppose purple is an accurate way to describe me…"

"Don't forget sweet," Sayori admonished with a grin that seemed to make Yuri even more uncomfortable.  _ Way to go, me. She probably doesn't even want to go...  _

"Oh, it looks like some gravel might have gotten you through your blazer, see?" She pointed to a dark splotch forming on the outside of Yuri's uniform near the elbow. "Th-there's a bus stop right over here. If you ride with me to my house I can patch up your scrapes," she offered. 

This seemed to fluster the taller girl, who tugged her sleeve further down over her hand. "Ah, th-thanks, but I should really get home. M-my aunt is expecting me so… I can take care of it there."

"Oh, alright. Well, I'll see you tomorrow, Yuri!"

The tall girl nodded and set off down the road, still looking pained, but not noticeably limping anymore. After worriedly watching until her friend was out of sight, Sayori decided she'd walk home. She didn't have an injured companion to worry about, after all, and it'd give her a chance to call Monika, both to make sure she was doing okay, and to get her account of what had happened with Natsuki and Yuri. She pulled up Monika’s contact as she walked through the brisk evening air.

"Hi Sayori, what's up?" Monika answered after three rings.

"Hey Moni, I just wanted to make sure you're doing okay. I know I shouldn't assume anything based on text messages, but I got the impression that you're feeling depressed."

There was a long pause. "Uh… well… kinda. I don't know. I just feel like… like maybe it was a mistake making this club. I feel like I'm not cut out to be in charge."

Sayori heard a sigh from the other end of the line. She felt bad for Monika, who was really a much more apprehensive person than her confident demeanor let on. The brown-haired girl seemed to be okay with letting her guard down around Sayori, though, and even though she felt undeserving, she was honored that Monika would confide in her.

"Well, for what it's worth, I think you're a good leader," Sayori reassured. "You've always had such cool ideas for the club."

Monika clicked her tongue. "But I'm not good with people. I can't win over new members, or stand up to anyone when they're out of line, or de-escalate any arguments. If I had half your tact I could have stopped the fight today."

Sayori thought for a moment. "Well, I've been trying to recruit members since the start too, so I'm not much better at that part… but do you think I would have gotten half this far starting a club by myself? The whole application process, and that charter you had to write up, and all the cool ideas for activities and events you want us to do eventually… It's not a one-person job, Moni. Maybe being direct with people isn't your strong suit, so let me handle it. It's okay that you're not the best at absolutely everything, because we're a team!" She tried to finish on a positive note, well aware of how cheesy it sounded. 

Sometimes cheesy is good though. It was what Monika needed to hear, even though it greatly overstated how important Sayori's role was. Nobody  _ really  _ needed her. Especially not Monika. But bringing that up would only make people worry, and that would be no good.

"Yeah… y-you’re right. Maybe… maybe it'll be okay. Were you able to find Yuri and talk to her? I-is she gonna quit in the club?”

Sayori scratched the back of her head as she walked. "I… I hope not. I think she was hurt by what happened today, and she feels like you and Natsuki don't want her around. She's… not angry or bitter, but, like,  _ scared _ to face you, if that makes sense. I'm gonna skip club tomorrow and take her out. Try and make her feel better, y'know? Maybe I can convince her to give it another chance while I'm at it.”

“ _ Please, _ ” Monika replied, desperation in her voice.

“So… can you tell me your side of what happened today?” Sayori was super eager to hear another perspective on the events at the club, but she tried not to let it show. She shouldn’t pressure poor Monika too much.

“Uuuuggghhh.” Monika groaned. She sounded really stressed, and Sayori wished she was there to give her a hug. “So they got in a bit of an argument about their writing styles during the poetry exchange. Yuri said the language in Natsuki’s poem was  _ cute _ , and that set her off. She went off on Yuri, saying her writing was too convoluted, and that it was  _ pretentious _ and everything, and then Yuri got all offended, and she was saying how you need complex language to express complex feelings…” 

Sayori  _ yep’d _ and  _ mhmm’d _ along as Monika explained. “I knew I should have stepped in but I just… I couldn’t put my foot down and stop them. I know if you were here it wouldn't have gotten this far. It got personal really fast and Natsuki really laid into Yuri. She said… actually, well, how much do you know about Yuri?”

_ That’s a weird question, isn’t it? _

“Uh, not a ton. Just that she’s really shy, and introverted, and that she doesn’t think very much of herself even though she’s super smart— like, in the top 5 out of her whole year, right?”

“Y-yeah…” Monika replied. “Well, she’s kind of a loner, and not really by choice. Nobody in her grade talks to her, to the point that I think the club is the closest to friends she actually has.”

Sayori frowned. _ She’s really that lonely? And she’s considering resigning despite that? _

Monika cleared her throat and continued. “A-anyway… Natsuki was all like  _ ‘This is why you don’t have any friends. Your personality is off-putting and nobody wants to be around you because of it’ _ — something like that. It was really bad. She also made fun of Yuri’s… uh…  _ poor social skills _ , which I'm pretty sure is actually au-" she cut herself off. "…well, I… nevermind— that's a topic for another day. Anyway that’s when Yuri ran off.”

"Jeez." Knowing her friend had been so vicious made Sayori's stomach turn. She really adored both Yuri and Natsuki, and it hurt knowing this had happened.

"B-but she felt really bad about it! Natsuki knows she has anger problems and, well… like… she was saying  _ she  _ might leave the club so Yuri can feel safe there again, and… well, I just kinda started to comfort her because she was crying there in front of me. I… I wasn't trying to take sides or anything, but that's when Yuri showed up, and  _ God _ , she looked  _ so hurt, _ and just… aah!"

"Hmmm, okay. So it's kind of a misunderstanding then," Sayori pondered out loud. "Well, I can explain that to her tomorrow. She has trouble expressing herself, so I'm sure Yuri's used to being misunderstood. She should be able to relate."

"Yeah, that… that's a good point." Monika let out another long sigh. "Do you think Yuri will be okay? I feel really bad."

"I think so. I'll do my best to cheer her up tomorrow."

"Oh and what about Em?" Monika asked. "I have both of your bags, by the way..."

"It went well. We talked in a way we haven't in a long time." Sayori smiled as she remembered. "By the way, thanks for outing me to him, you big meanie! I kept that crush a secret from him for like four years!" She yelled facetiously.

"What was I supposed to do? He was sitting there crying because he thought you hated him! Look, clearly I can't handle being around crying people without messing  _ something _ up!" 

They laughed together. The kind of uncomfortable, nervous laughs of people trying to relieve tension when something is still very wrong.

"Y'know," Monika continued, "he called you his only real friend. You mean a lot to him, even if he's not romantically interested."

It still stung to hear that last part verbalized. It was strange, though— Sayori had expected, if her feelings were ever bared, to be shot down because he was in love with a smarter, prettier, more put-together girl, not because he was interested in men. It felt uncanny, but she thought that it probably hurt a lot less than it would have. And the part about being a "real" friend to him… it was bittersweet.

"Sayori? Are you still there?"

"O-oh, yeah, sorry. I got lost in thought for a second. Thanks, Monika. Oh, and could you try not to talk about Em's sexuality with anyone?" Sayori pivoted. "His parents are pretty serious with their religion, and he's not ready to publicly come out yet."

"Oh, of course. I'll keep that in mind."

* * *

That night, with her thoughts occupied by Em, Yuri, and Monika, Sayori didn't have time to feel worthless. She fell asleep around midnight, which was  _ pretty darn early _ by her standards. The next morning, she found Em waiting on her front steps, ready to walk to school together (and desperately wanting to hear the scoop about what had happened with Yuri).

She had a rare feeling that it was actually going to be a half decent day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright I know the first two have been a little heavy on the angst side compared to fluff, but I think the next chapter has a better balance. I think Sayori's relationship with Yuri is going to be very slow burn.
> 
> Even though Yuri already very much has feelings for her, Sayori needs time to process her emotions about her un-returned feelings for Em.
> 
> As for Monika and Natsuki... we'll see.


	3. Distraction (Natauki)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natsuki wants to apologize to Yuri at school, but circumstances keep getting in the way. What will happen at today's literature club meeting?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So with chapter 2, I had a draft for several days before publishing, and I forgot to update the release date, so it didn't jump to the top chronologically when it was actually published. If you've been following this story, you might want to do a quick double-check that you didn't miss that chapter.

Natsuki's school didn't have a cafeteria large enough to accommodate the entire student body at once. Because of this, lunch was broken down into four 25-minute shifts, and that in turn screwed up the period lengths, forcing the school to institute a rotating schedule that cycled different classes through the time slots every day.

The end result of all this nonsense was that students weren't guaranteed to eat at the same time, or with the same classmates each day, and that  _ day 8 _ of this  _ rotating fuckery _ left Natsuki stranded, with none of the other girls from her friend group. Most days, she could scrounge some odds and ends from her friends, who all at least pretended to buy her  _ 'too lazy to pack a lunch for myself' _ story, but on  _ day 8  _ she was on her own. She'd usually just sit there and read a manga, trying not to breathe through her nose and smell everyone else's food. The fact that it was the fourth lunch shift certainly didn't help.

Today was different though— for the first time, she noticed that her club mate, Yuri, also had lunch during this period. The tall, shy girl sat alone on the outskirts of the cafeteria, nibbling at one of the sad excuses for a sandwich that the school sold for a dollar each, and staring into her lap. 

_ I wonder if I have any other lunch periods with her. If I'd noticed sooner and started talking to her on these days, maybe we'd be actual friends by now. Maybe we'd never have fought like that. _

Natsuki watched her, trying to will herself into approaching and apologizing for the awful things she'd said at the literature club the day before. She wanted to, but  _ FUCK _ was it hard. Situations like this sucked, because she'd get all worked up prior to the apology, making her liable to lash out  _ again  _ at the drop of a hat.

So she sat. And she watched. She watched her outcast upperclassman try to draw as little attention to herself as possible as she ate. And she watched as another third-year, who was passing by, swiped the second half of Yuri's sandwich and tossed it onto the floor without even looking at her, muttering some insult as she passed. (The last part was an assumption on Natsuki's part— she couldn't hear from where she sat, but she'd seen the girl's stupid smug lips flapping on her stupid smug face.) 

After the initial reflex of following the movement in front of her, Yuri apparently realized what was happening and looked away, shrinking in on herself even further than she already had.  _ Is she trying not to engage? It's clearly not making them stop. _

Natsuki felt a wave of nausea. This was how Yuri was treated at school, and she'd essentially _been a part of it_ yesterday. She laughed to herself. _Maybe I should go around being a shitty person more often— the self disgust might make it hard to feel so hungry all the time._

Before Natsuki could think much more, her legs were moving. They carried her over to the desecrated lunch, which she scooped up, and then to the green-haired bitch who had thrown it.  _ Holy shit what the fuck am I doing?!? _ She thought to herself, but it was too late to back down now; the other girls sitting around the oblivious bully were already staring at her. In a motion similar to a hug from behind, Natsuki used one arm to hold the girl in place and the other to smear the inner contents of the sandwich, mayonnaise and all, down the front of her shirt, vest, and blazer.

" _ You shouldn't go wasting food like that, you fucking cunt, _ " she whispered directly into the bully's ear in an eerily calm, unwavering tone.  _ (Nailed it!) _

Walking away before the girl turned around, she found that Yuri was now gone. 

_ Like, what the fuck, Yuri? I can't let them see me go and sit by myself after I just caused that scene… God dammit, I really hope she got to see that before she dipped.  _

With her plan to sit next to Yuri now foiled, Natsuki just kinda  _ left _ the cafeteria, trying to look as nonchalant as possible. She tried to imitate the calm, confident way that Monika walked. It would have helped if she had long sexy legs like the brown-haired stunner of a club president, but that wasn't something she could do much about, was it?

Once she was safely out of sight, Natsuki wandered aimlessly around the halls, eventually deciding she might as well use the toilet while it was less crowded. She headed to the nearest bathroom and did her business, but heard something strange as she exited the stall. It was like a sharp inhale, like someone in pain. Was someone crying in there and trying to hide it?

"Y-Yuri? Is that you?"

Before any reply came, the school bell loudly announced the end of the period, and the bathroom quickly became crowded with girls from the nearby classrooms. Giving up, Natsuki washed her hands and left.

_ Guess I'll just have to talk to her at the club, like the original plan. If she even comes back... _

Natsuki traversed the hallways with a jittery spring in her step, still riding the adrenaline from the confrontation at lunch. Her next two classes were lectures, so she took the long way there in order to burn some of the nervous energy.

One was about the post-WWII reconstruction period of her country, where Japan and the US basically re-built the entire infrastructure and culture from rubble in 'cooperation,' each trying to leave their mark like rival older siblings. The other was a review of the first act of Shakespeare's Macbeth, which there would be a quiz about later that week. 

Natsuki thought history was boring, and hated the overly complicated play that made Yuri's convoluted writing look like Clifford the Big Red Dog by comparison, but she did her best to absorb herself in the presentations nonetheless. It was better than sitting around lost in thought, feeling hungry and guilty. 

With the final bell, she rushed to the literature club. She needed a few minutes to psych herself up if she was gonna apologize. 

_ Yuri better say she's sorry too. Her whole tirade about me needing to go back to middle school... _

Natsuki sat at her usual desk, rehearsing the words she wanted to say, and hoping she'd be able to say them without getting defensive. Monika arrived shortly after, offering a smile and a wave as she entered, and Em showed up a few seconds later.

"Hey, Natsuki," he said "I heard you, like… smashed a sandwich into some third-year girl's uniform at lunch?" This question drew a curious look from Monika.

_ God dammit I guess some people in our year saw that... _

Natsuki let out a long sigh. "She had it coming okay? She was being a bully and she totally deserved it."

"H-hey, no worries. I wasn't trying to, like, scold you or anything. I just wanted to ask about it in case it was a good story… s-sorry."

_ God dammit. _

She hadn't meant to shoot him down like that. Pinching the bridge of her nose, Natsuki explained, "It was Yuri that she was picking on. I lost my temper at the club yesterday, and I was about to go up to her and apologize, and then suddenly that bitch shows up and throws Yuri's food on the ground and I just… fucking… ugh!"

"Oh, alright. That was… cool of you, I guess..." 

"Yeah whatever."

Natsuki thought he was most likely being genuine, but there was still a chance it was sarcasm, so she figured 'whatever' would work either way. 

She pulled the manga volume she'd been reading lately out, as a sort of non-verbal cue for him to fuck off and leave her alone, which he seemed to get, surprisingly. However she was interrupted after just a page and a half.

"Alright guys," Monika called out from the front of the classroom. Now that Natsuki got a good look, the club president seemed notably more frazzled than usual. "It's just the three of us today. We'll do the poetry exchange later, so… just do  _ whatever _ for now, I guess."

"What?!?" Natsuki exclaimed out loud before she could stop herself.

Monika scratched the back of her head, looking uncomfortable. "Uh, yeah, Sayori's taking Yuri out to try and cheer her up. A-and to clear up the misunderstanding from yesterday…"

Natsuki growled in frustration. It wasn't fair— she missed her chance to apologize while Sayori went and cleared Monika's name  _ for  _ her?!? 

_ Because Monika didn't tear into Yuri's deepest insecurities like a sadistic bitch, now, did she? God why am I so irrational? _

Natsuki laid her cheek down on the desk, staring out the window. Why did she always have to get angry so fast? She didn't mean to; she was just so used to the venomous, insult filled screaming matches she had with her dad, and she'd just… kinda snap into that mode with outsiders once in a while.

"You alright there, cupcake?" came a tease from her other side. Natsuki grumbled. Monika was probably sitting at the neighboring desk judging by the sound of her voice.

"Don't patronize me," Natsuki said flatly. "You're not looking too great yourself, y'know."

"Oh, and I got myself all dolled up for you and everything. You really know how to break a lady's heart, Natsuki!"

Natsuki finally worked up the motivation to flop her head onto the other cheek to look at her friend. Despite looking emotionally drained, Monika was still super hot, and her makeup game was on point as usual, but what she said was definitely facetious, so Natsuki decided she better not say anything about it. She didn't have the energy to get caught up in that kind of back-and-forth quipping bullshit today.

"Are you gonna talk to me about it or are you just gonna sit there and make dismissive jokes?"

Monika sighed, deflating as she looked down at the desk in front of her. "I don't know. I guess I'm worried about the club. From what Sayori told me last night after they talked, Yuri is afraid to come back. She feels like we don't want her here, and if Sayori can't convince her that's not true today, and she leaves... we'll be back below the requirement. If they end up needing this room for anything else we'll just be kicked out and… a-and it'll be over. I'll have failed."

Natsuki stared back, trying to think of something to say that might help Monika feel better. Sayori was way better at this kind of stuff.

"Ah, when I say that it sounds like I don't care about Yuri as anything more than a checkbox." Monika added. "I do honestly feel really bad for hurting her feelings. She may be hard to talk to, but overall I think she's a really gentle and considerate person."

_ Ooh there's something I can work with! _

"Uh, yeah, well... since she's considerate like that, I'm sure she'll be understanding. Once we say we're sorry, I'm sure she'll give us a second chance." Like a true pro, Natsuki pulled this reassurance from thin air, continuing, "a-and even if not, and we get kicked out of the clubroom, we can still meet in the library or somewhere and, like, read together and share poems and stuff. Just 'cause we aren't an official club doesn't mean you're a failure. I really like it here." 

Monika nodded and smiled, or at least attempted to. She still seemed pretty anxious and drained, and Natsuki kinda wanted to give her a hug (like the one Monika had given her yesterday) but that would be embarrassing, so she held back. 

Okay, she kinda wanted to do  _ a lot more _ than hug her, but it's not like someone as beautiful-inside-and-out as Monika would ever be interested in her anyway, so she pushed the gay thoughts out of her mind.

"Thanks, Nats," Monika said, bizarrely shy. "I-I appreciate that."

Natsuki eyed her. "D-did you just call me  _ Nats _ ?"

Instead of making some snarky remark about it, Monika, of all the million things she could have done,  _ blushed _ . "S-sorry. It's just kinda how I've been referring to you in my head lately. I didn't mean to say it out loud."

_ Fucking MONIKA is being BASHFUL? What is this? _

"Jeez, Monika, the way you were joking earlier and now this— keep it up and I'm gonna think you're hitting on me."

Natsuki thought that oughtta snap Monika out of…  _ whatever this was _ . She was willing to take one for the team and leave such a gaping opening for the president to tease her if it would get rid of the weird atmosphere that was hanging around them.

But it backfired.

The brown-haired girl squirmed in her seat, blush deepening. Stammering almost like Yuri, she blurted out,

"W-well, uh, n-not exactly. I-I was trying to be subtle about it and drop hints so that maybe  _ you'd _ ask  _ me  _ out eventually, but… uh… y-yeah I guess I came on too strong."

Natsuki's heart palpitated. Her face felt like it was on fire. She snuck a glance towards Em to make sure he wasn't listening in. The boy had dozed off while reading the book that Yuri had gifted him before everything went to shit yesterday. 

Crossing her arms in front of her, she forced down the excitement bubbling in her chest. There was no way this could be real. Natsuki looked back at Monika and snapped.

"Are you joking? Just rubbing it in my face how far out of my league you are?!? 'Cause if you are this is too far!" She shifted her gaze toward her feet. "I can put up with  _ some _ teasing, especially if it's from  _ you _ , but this is just cruel okay?"

"Y-you don't need to be so defensive, Natsuki. I'm being honest." 

Natsuki looked back up to see that Monika's nervous smile had given way to a frown. But her eyes— her  _ beautiful _ green eyes were so earnest.

"R-really?" she asked before she could realize how idiotic it sounded and stop herself.

"Really," Monika said, laughing through her nose. "I was super nervous because I wasn't sure if you liked girls or not..."

Natsuki felt a tingling rise within, like she was full of flapping jellyfish, all tickling and bumping into her insides. She was pretty sure that someone could cook an egg on her face, but she jammed it into Monika's shoulder anyway, changing her mind on the hug she had decided against before.

"I-I'm sorry I didn't believe you," she whispered awkwardly. "So… w-will you… be my girlfriend?"

With her face pressed tightly against Monika's body, Natsuki could hear the other girl's heart pounding. "Okay."

It was still hard to believe that someone could… _ admire _ her. Her body didn't make her proud— if it weren't for her super girly hairstyle and her makeup, she thought, she'd look pretty androgynous, or even boyish. Beyond looks, she wasn't too confident that her personality was any more desirable. Sure, she was an expert trash talker, which could be fun, and she could come up with a clever joke once in a while, but she was always so irritable and rude, and she loved to complain...

Monika, meanwhile, was just… Monika. She was driven, intelligent, thoughtful, gorgeous… 

_ I guess I'm just… lucky??? Or…? _

It seemed weird, but Natsuki supposed they could discuss it once they were together for a while, and comfortable talking about more personal things.  _ If we even make it that far before I drive her away by blowing up about stupid bullshit that doesn't even matter... _

Natsuki had thought she'd be nothing but elated the day she finally got a girlfriend. And don't get the wrong idea— she was really happy, but at the same time she was… confused. Anxious.  _ Overwhelmed _ . She wanted Monika to keep hugging her like this forever, but the embrace soon came to an end.

"So are you free this weekend? What should we do for our first date?" Monika asked with a hint of giddy, girlish excitement Natsuki hadn't seen in her before.

"W-well I'll have to check if my dad will let me go out. And… uh, d-do you think we could go places that don't... cost money? I don't really get an allowance or anything, and I'll feel bad if you're just paying for me all the time…"

"Oh… yeah, that's okay with me."

They sat in awkward silence for a moment before a third voice chimed in. "The botanical garden is free the second Sunday of every month. That might be a nice place for you to go together sometime." Em smiled at them with heavy-lidded eyes.

"Aah, w-when did you wake up?!?" Natsuki felt her face reddening once more, and she could see Monika's doing the same.

The groggy boy rolled his eyes. "You're the one  _ loudly scraping _ your chair across the floor to hug Monika. It scared the tits offa me."

Natsuki looked down and realized that her chair was halfway across the aisle. She hadn't consciously noticed when she'd scooted over there.

"I was gonna apologize for falling asleep, but it looks like you guys preferred me unconscious," he joked with a grin. "So are we doing this poem thing? Or… I can just leave if-"

"N-no, let's do it!" Monika cut him off, laughing awkwardly.

* * *

The TV was on when Natsuki entered the apartment, and she could smell fast food. So he was home. It meant she'd probably get dinner tonight, but it also meant there might be an argument. There  _ probably would _ be an argument because she needed to convince him to buy groceries, and convincing him to do anything was… difficult. She peeked around the corner into the living room to see how the situation looked. 

He still hadn't kicked off his shoes, meaning he hadn't been home very long, and there weren't any empty cans or bottles lying around his chair, so it seemed pretty safe. It was probably only one night a week that he was drunk enough to be dangerous, and one out of every ten of those that he actually hurt her, but that was often enough to condition her into doing this kind of investigation every day.

She left her shoes by the doorway and flopped down on the sofa. "Hi Papa."

"Hey Suki. There's McDonald's for you in the kitchen." Her father laid back in his recliner chair, looking half-dead. With his graying hair and the dark circles beneath his sunken eyes, he appeared about ten years older than he actually was. The man worked at a warehouse for their country's biggest e-shopping site, and he pulled 10-12 hour shifts most days, occasionally working on weekends too. What time he didn't spend at work was usually spent drinking.

  
  


"Thanks," she said, jumping up and scuttling over to the counter to see what the paper bag had in store for her. It was a Big Mac with fries. Not her favorite sandwich that the golden arches had to offer, but she was grateful to have anything to fill her belly, really, and it was even still warm. As she happily munched on the hamburger, he asked something that sent a chill down her spine.

"So was that your girlfriend?"

Natsuki almost dropped her food. Monika had walked her home from school, and they'd shared another really long, really really nice hug before they parted ways. Apparently he'd seen them out the window. __

_ Shit shit shit. I didn't have time to hide my facial expression or anything— _

"Uh, th-that was my friend Monika. F-from the literature club."

Her father let out a long sigh. "You don't have to hide it. I've kinda known you were gay since you were about nine. I know I do a shitty job at it, but I'm still your father. Parents can tell that kind of thing."

She stared back, incredulous. "Y-you're… not mad?"

He shrugged. "It's whatever. I'd tell you  _ 'no sex until you're 18,'  _ but hell if you've ever fuckin listened to me. At least this way you won't get pregnant and make the same mistake as me and your mom."

_ So I'm a mistake, huh? _

Deciding not to have  _ that _ argument again, Natsuki cautiously resumed nibbling on her burger. "Y-yeah. We just got together today. I-is it okay if I go out with her this weekend?"

"Yeah that's fine. Just make sure the apartment still gets cleaned, and be back before curfew."

"Okay," she replied. 

_ Maybe I'll wait till tomorrow to ask about the groceries, since I just asked for something else right now… _

Finishing her burger, Natsuki decided she'd save her fries for breakfast. She needed to plan around the now-delayed grocery request. She had lunch period with Chizuru tomorrow, and Chizuru was a generous sharer, so it would probably be okay. Fries for breakfast, Chii's scraps for lunch and then… well, two meals was  _ far enough _ ahead. As she got up to put the fries in the fridge, though, that plan fell apart.

"Hey, Suki, I'll take those fries if you're not gonna eat 'em."

_ Fuck. _

"I, uh, wanted to save them for breakfast tomorrow, since we don't have any other food."

He grumbled.

"What do you mean  _ 'we don't have any other food?' _ You're just being a picky little brat again, aren't you?"

And just like that, Natsuki's calm snapped. "No! We _literally_ don't have any fucking food," she spat back. "I ate pickled olives for breakfast yesterday and the day before! I finished them then, so I just drank fucking _ranch_ _dressing_ this morning, so I'd have _something_ in my stomach! And nobody shared lunch with me at school today so that was all I had before this! You need to buy groceries or give me lunch money or something!"

_ Fuck I shouldn't have sworn I shouldn't have yelled fuck fuck fuck. _

He sat up to shout back at her.

"Jesus Christ, I'm trying alright?!? I haven't been to the bank to get you any cash— I'm sorry. But I'm working sixty hours a week to fucking support us and all I get is ungrateful whining?!?  _ Come on!" _

At this point Natsuki couldn't contain herself anymore. "Where does the money from all that work go?!? It's certainly not into fucking food! I'm literally starving, Papa! I fainted in gym class last week, and I keep falling asleep in class because I don't have energy to function! I even got detention for it."

His expression softened for a moment. Natsuki saw guilt in his eyes. 

She could've won— the fight would have been over if she just shut up and left it right there, but she was just so _angry_ and so _hurt_ and so _used to_ _fighting like this_ that she couldn't stop. "Do you really work for the money, or are you just spending time there to avoid raising your child? You're just running away from responsibility like a fucking deadbeat coward!"

"That's it! Shut up and go to your room, you nasty, evil little bitch!" her father screamed, livid.

Natsuki didn't waste any time grabbing her school bag, running to her bedroom, and slamming the door behind her. He'd never hit her when he was sober, but she didn't want to push that luck. She didn't want to be around him right now anyway. 

Sitting with her back against the door so it couldn't be easily opened, Natsuki scrolled through some web comics on her phone. She actually had a pretty nice smartphone, despite often lacking lunch money. He'd bought it for her the day after hitting her. That was… two times ago, maybe? He always got all guilty and weepy when he sobered up the next day, and he'd often buy her some kind of gift, as if that would make up for it.

The worst part was that he actually loved her. It would have been so much easier if he didn't— then she could just purely hate him. But he loved his daughter, and he was just so broken and hurting and fucked up and jaded that he did all the terrible things anyway. How different would things have been if it were him that had been him that had run that guy over while drunk, and not her mom? 

_ If he was the one in prison, would mom have turned into the same kind of monster? _

As Natsuki finished another chapter of her comic, she realized she hadn't even processed what she was reading at all. Her thoughts were too caught up in her family. With a sigh, she closed the app and stared at the background of her phone. It was a screenshot of a cat that had appeared in the background an anime, which looked just like the cat they'd had when she was little. The black and white fur in a lopsided tuxedo pattern... It was a bit grainy and pixely, but it was the best image of it that she could find. She missed that cat. She missed her mom, and _that_ _version_ of her dad. She missed feeling safe and _at home_. They were _actually_ a family back then. She'd give up all the stupid gifts in a second if it meant she could just have that back.

It was then that a text from Monika flashed on her screen with a buzz. 

[Hey babe]

_ Oh my god, "babe?" She has to be fucking with me, right?  _

[You can't see it but I'm giving my phone the hardest death glare rn.] Natsuki replied.

This earned her a barrage of rapid fire texts from Monika.

[What's the matter, babe?]

[Do you not like being called "babe" or something, babe?]

[I don't know if I believe you about the glare, babe]

[Pics or it didn't happen.]

[*Pics or it didn't happen, babe]

Natsuki laughed as they came in. She typed back, [We've been a couple for 2 hours and you're already trying to solicit photographs from me, a minor]

[Is it so wrong to want a photo of my adorable gf for my phone background?]

Natsuki'a face heated up. That was way more direct than anything Monika would ever say in person, and it caught her totally off guard. [Omg you're so corny.]

[This is who I am as a person.]

Rolling her eyes, Natsuki replied, [I never said I disliked it. Maybe corn is my favorite food. You don't know my life.] 

[BS. Theres no way your favorite food is a vegetable.]

[Maybe Yuris is, but not yours]

Natsuki laughed through her nose. She had thought her throwaway joke was pretty good for a text, but of course Monika had to come back with something more clever. [Ok you got me there] she replied.

[So are you gonna send me a selfie or do I have to rip one off of your Instagram?] Monika asked.

[I wasn't joking about the phone background thing.]

Grumbling to herself, Natsuki opened her camera app, and was immediately reminded that she had been crying by the state of her makeup. She didn't want to let her new girlfriend down, though. The idea of trading pictures taken specifically  _ for _ each other made her heart flutter in a really nice way. [Ugh, fine. give me a few minutes.]

She decided she'd rather just take her makeup off than spend a bunch of time fixing or reapplying it, especially since she preferred using the bathroom light for that, and she  _ really _ didn't want to leave her room while Papa was still awake. Not tonight. It wasn't like Monika was going to be showing this to a bunch of people anyway, and she would probably be excited to see Natsuki in a state she hadn't before, so…

Pulling out a pack of makeup removing wipes from her bag, Natsuki went to work with a hand mirror. This approach came with the added bonus of an excuse for why her eyes looked red and puffy, in case Monika asked. ' _ Oh I was just scrubbing the makeup off my eyes, sorry.' _

_ God, look at me planning ways to lie like a piece of shit. _

When her face was satisfactorily clean, she moved on to phase two— trying to find a flattering camera angle. After dozens of poses and deleted attempts, Natsuki had a photo she was proud of.

She sent it to Monika before she had a chance to second guess herself. The brown haired girl texted back almost immediately-

[Omg <3]

[Super cute!!!]

[I already took my makeup off too.]

A photo of Monika arrived before Natsuki could reply. Her long hair was wet from the shower, hanging down where it naturally fell upon a pastel purple pajama top, as she smiled sleepily. Natsuki's heart pounded  _ hard _ in her chest.

[Omg and YOU call ME cute?!?]

[Are you kidding?!? Look at you!]

[Also, who buys dedicated PJs instead of just using an old t-shirt? You old lady.]

[Why do you look so tired at 7pm?]

The icon indicating that Monika was typing appeared and disappeared several times before a message finally came. 

[I kinda sorta maybe didn't fall asleep til 4 last night.]

[RIP brain cells]

_ God, was she really that anxious about me and Yuri? Doesn't she wake up at 6am? _

[Holy shit. Go to bed, Monika]

[But I don't want to stop talking to youuuuu] Monika textually whined. 

Natsuki took a moment to be amazed at how different the brown-haired girl seemed via text. She smirked as an idea came to her. It was cheesy and awkward and kind of embarrassing, but that seemed to be the trajectory of this whole relationship, so  _ whatever _ . [I'll give you a reward tomorrow if you go to sleep now.]

[.....I'm listening…...]

[You will be allowed one kiss on each of my checks, optionally reciprocated.] Natsuki was blushing like an idiot as she pressed send. Would she be saying dumb shit like this if she wasn't so emotionally exhausted? Probably not, but... it felt nice.

[So that's four kisses for each of us?] Monika replied.

[TWO YOU WEIRDO! NO BUTT CHEEKS]

[Okay okay, deal.]

[I'm going to bed now.]

[In fact I'm already asleep.]

[Zzzzzzz]

[ -_- Goodnight dork.]

[Goodnight Nats <3]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I decided to write Natsuki's family a little differently this time. Her father is not a great guy, but he's not a control-obsessed narcissist starving her on purpose either. Here he's actually kind of like my grandfather was when my mom was a kid. 
> 
> As for the monsuki, I know it's a bit early, but since I'm covering multiple ships in this fic, I wanted to differentiate the themes and struggles. So Sayori and Yuri will be the "when are they going to get together/crush" story and Natsuki and Monika will be the "couple facing couple problems and doing cute couple things" story.
> 
> I really hope you're liking the story so far. The text conversation between Nat's and Monika was really fun to write.
> 
> Any questions, criticisms, reactions, etc. left in the comments are greatly greatly appreciated. They are what keep me going. Thanks!


	4. Frazzled (Yuri)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuri is having a terrible day. Will she be able to keep it together during her time with Sayori?

"Y-Yuri? Is that you?"

The question from the other side of the bathroom stall came like a bucket of ice water as Yuri sat on the toilet. It was Natsuki's voice. What was she doing there? How the fuck did she know it was Yuri in the other stall?!?

_Does she know about me? No, there's no way. This is the first time I've done it at school in… almost six months? But if she knows it might explain why she hates me so much… maybe she does? No. No, please no._

As if answering her pleas, the school bell rang, and within seconds the bathroom was bustling with students. It was something that would normally make Yuri super anxious, and she supposed it still did, but _crowded bathroom_ anxiety was worlds better than _Natsuki literally standing outside the fucking stall trying to talk to her while her arms bled_ anxiety.

Yuri sat, waiting out the rush. She decided she'd just skip her next class. She had near-perfect attendance, so the teacher wouldn't suspect anything if she just went to the nurse and got a sick pass. Was it really even a lie? Anyone who could see her in that moment would probably agree that she was _sick_. And if she went in late, everyone would stare at her, and it would be awful. Skipping would definitely be better.

Today had been an awful, _awful_ day so far. She was dead tired after getting _maybe_ two hours of sleep— she'd laid in bed, staring at the wall as her head spun and spun like a whirlwind.

Over the terrible, nasty, _hurtfully true_ things Natsuki had said. 

And over the fact that she'd have to face Natsuki and Monika eventually, even if she quit the club, because she was bound to run into them at school.

And most of all, over the upcoming outing with Sayori, where Yuri was _definitely_ going to say or do something stupid that made the one person she felt accepted by hate her. 

When she'd woken up from her fitful, restless sleep, she'd been greeted by the aching scabs from her fall the previous evening, and a menstrual cramp that just kept coming back again and again _all fucking day,_ because _of course_ she also had to be on her period while all this shit was happening, and she wanted to take her knife and gouge out her stupid uterus and burn it with fire and thermite _and nuclear fission_. 

And then, at lunch, Katrina and her friends had targeted her again. It was just half her sandwich and a low effort comment about her weight, and it shouldn't have even mattered, but hearing the cluster of her peers laughing at her had just… broken her. They only bothered her like that once every few weeks, but of course it _had_ to be _today_ , when she was already at her wit's end, and when she was supposed to spend time with the girl she had a crush on and _God why_?!?

It was all too much. It was like drowning in a turbulent, swirling vortex in her mind that pushed against the inner walls with such pressure that she was liable to burst…. And so she'd pulled an emergency release valve.

And there she sat, having broken her streak of not cutting while at school, and shattered her hopes that she was maybe getting the _tiniest bit_ better.

_Why is it so hard to just function? Why are you so overwhelmed by day to day life? it's not like you're even doing anything difficult or special… God, you're so fucking pathetic._

After 'just one more' that turned into three, Yuri felt… okay again… kind of. She felt shitty and guilty and _disgusting,_ but she didn't feel like her brain was on fire anymore, so she began cleaning her arms off. One of the downsides of her long streak of no in-school cutting incidents was that she didn't have her first aid supplies in her bag anymore. She just patted down the beads and streaks of blood and applied pressure until the wounds seemed to have calmed down a bit, then wrapped them up in a layer of toilet paper, before pulling her sleeves down.

It would probably stain her button-up shirt, but today's cuts weren't deep enough to get through her blazer too, so _whatever_. It was better than using the bathroom sink and risking someone coming in and seeing. She did her own laundry, separate from her aunt and uncle, and she had plenty of stupid white shirts, so it was fine.

Well, nothing was fine, really, but _relatively speaking_ , the stains were fine.

After closing her eyes and just breathing for a few minutes in an attempt to calm down, Yuri exited the bathroom and walked the empty hallways. The toes of her left foot still ached with each step, from when she had tripped yesterday. There was something eerie about her footsteps reverberating as she moved, mixing with the faint, muffled voices of the teachers in the classrooms around her. Just knowing that there were hundreds of people in close proximity even though she was alone… it felt like she was being watched. 

Quickening her pace, she arrived at the door labeled Infirmary, and entered with a knock. The nurse looked up from whatever he had been doing on the computer and greeted her.

"Good afternoon! Hall pass?" The school nurse was an amicable man with a wrinkly face and salt-and-pepper hair.

"I-I… uh… n-never made it to 6th period… b-because I was stuck on the toilet…"

It was only a half truth, but even so, telling it was humiliating. Yuri could feel the intense heat in her ears and cheeks.

"Ah, I see. Any vomiting, or just ...?"

"N-no, I…"

_I should have said yes._

"Alright, I get it," said the nurse. He pulled a half-sized soda can from a mini fridge and placed it on his desk. "This is ginger ale— the kind that actually has ginger and not just corn syrup— to soothe your stomach a little, and…" he trailed off momentarily as he searched through a cabinet. "Any allergies?"

"N-no" She stammered out.

"Alright, these should help with the diarrhea," he said, measuring two tablets into a tiny paper cup and handing it to her. "They're sold over the counter at pharmacies and at most corner stores, in case you want more for at home. And make sure to drink a lot of water to make up for what you lost."

Yuri nodded, shamefully downing the medicine she didn't need.

_So stupid and pathetic and wasteful._

"No need to be ashamed, kiddo," he reassured. "The human body is just a complex, _squishy_ machine, and sometimes it produces weird by-products." 

It was strange— she felt like she should have been annoyed that some strange adult was calling her 'kiddo,' but she almost felt relieved, in a way, that he didn't call her 'young lady' like her aunt did all the time. "Anyway, can I have your student ID for a second? I'll log your visit here so the attendance software doesn't think you're skipping school."

As he entered her information on his computer, the nurse gestured towards one of the beds, closest to the small bathroom that was inside the office. "You can go lie down for a bit. Sixth period's already half over, so it's probably not worth going to your class. Take the one by the toilet just in case."

"Thanks," she replied, accepting her ID card back before shuffling over and lowering herself into the bed. 

"Hey, if this becomes a recurring thing for you, make sure you talk to your PCP about it, okay? Just to make sure it's not a symptom of something more serious."

Even though she hadn't actually been sick, the very idea of visiting her primary care physician made Yuri shudder. She hadn't gone in for a check-up since she moved in with her aunt and uncle. If they examined her, they'd find what she'd done to herself, and throw her in a mental hospital for deranged psychopaths or something. Just locked away without her books or her knives or her aromatherapy...

_Okay, maybe it wouldn't be that bad, but at the very least I'd still be forced to go to a LOT of therapy, which we can't really afford._

But it was okay— While well-intentioned, Auntie wasn't the most attentive person, and (thankfully) it was easy for things like doctor visits to fall through the cracks.

Thinking about this kind of stuff was exhausting. Yuri decided to rest her eyes for a few minutes and…

"Hey, ah… _what was her name again?_ " There was the sound of a computer mouse clicking " _Ah here we go..._ Hey, Yuri? Sorry to wake you, but school's over, kiddo. You can head home, or... to your club or whatever."

_I slept through seventh period?_

"O-oh… okay…" she sat up and rubbed her eyes, still hazy.

The man nodded.

"You looked dead tired so I let you sleep."

"Um… th-thanks."

Pulling her phone from her bag, she saw several text messages from Sayori. Asking where they should meet. Asking why she wasn't responding. Asking if she wanted to cancel. Asking if she was okay.

_You made her worry about you, you stupid piece of trash._

She texted back as quickly as she could, which, due to her lack of experience and antiquated flip phone, was not very fast.

[I'm so sorry. I fell asleep in the nurse's office. Can we meet in the front yard now?]

[OK, see you there! Hope you're feeling okay <3], came an immediate response from the peach-haired girl.

_She was probably actively waiting for me to reply. God she's so caring and sweet…_

It had apparently been a few minutes since the bell rang— the halls were mostly clear. Stopping at her assigned cubby to change into her outdoor shoes, Yuri saw that it had been written on again.

'slut'

'whore'

'dyke'

'autistic bitch'

The last one actually stung. She wasn't sure if it was medically accurate or not, but her social ineptitude, her obsessive interests, her weird stimming habits and ticks… these were all things she was _very_ insecure about. She swallowed.

_They're after me twice in one day? Did I do something to upset them? It's not like I retaliated after the sandwich or anything… Did someone see it, and tell a teacher, and now they think I ratted them out? Ah, I should really clean this before I go._

With a heavy sigh, she took out her phone to message Sayori. [I will be a few minutes late- something just came up. I'm terribly sorry.]

Again, a reply came almost instantly. [I can see you y'know :P]

As soon as she read it, Yuri looked up, wide-eyed, and saw Sayori coming back inside the school, smiling. "Hey, Yuri! I was making a face at you through the glass the _whole time_ and you didn't notice! What's going on? Is it something I can hel-" Yuri panickedly tried to obscure her cubby, placing herself in between it and Sayori, but it was too late. The smile vanished from the chipper girl's face the moment she spotted the writing. "Oh…"

Defeated and blushing from shame, Yuri hung her head. "I-I… P-please just... just wait outside while I clean-"

"I'm helping," Sayori interrupted flatly. 

Wordlessly acquiescing, Yuri walked to the nearest bathroom, collecting a handful of paper towels from the dispenser, and dampening them in the sink. Sayori did the same. Together, the two girls scrubbed the ink away in silence. It must have been permanent marker of some kind, because it wasn't easy— the muscles in Yuri's hands were cramping by the time they finished. On the bright side, her shoes were black, so this time they weren't able to write on those as well.

By now, the embarrassment had subsided, and Yuri was just glad to be spending quiet time alone with Sayori. She had always wondered how much the underclassmen at the literature club knew about her bullying situation, and while it was awkward and uncomfortable and _terrifying_ knowing that Sayori was _definitely_ aware now, having one less unknown was actually relieving, in a way. "S-Sayori… I’m sorry you had to-"

She felt arms wrap around her. It was the second time Sayori had hugged her since yesterday. Yuri was pretty sure the previous evening was the first time she'd been hugged since the funeral. These two occasions were the definitely the first times she'd actually _enjoyed_ hugs since her mom was still alive— It was a type of comfort she'd forgotten about.

_Jesus that's kind of depressing, isn't it? Am I just slowly becoming less and less of a person in my loneliness? Is the isolation causing my humanity to atrophy?_

Sayori's soft voice snapped the purple-haired girl back to reality. "Yuri… I didn't realize you get treated like this. D-does this happen very often?" Sayori asked.

Yuri avoided eye contact, which was pretty common for her. She didn't make a conscious decision to do so— it was just that eye contact didn't come naturally to her and when she was nervous she would often forget to force herself to do it. "W-well this is only the second time they've written things on my cubby..." 

_That’s technically the truth, right? Sure, they pick on me regularly in other ways but that’s not necessarily what she asked…_

Yuri really didn't want to talk about it right now. She prayed that Sayori would recognize this using whatever impossible magic powers she seemed to have for understanding people's feelings without them saying anything.

There was a long moment of silence. "Well let's not dwell on it too much. We're supposed to be having fun today after all! Just know you deserve better okay? Now let's go!"

_She could see it. Thank you Sayori. So much._

The air was brisk outside. Even as hot as their country’s climate tended to be, it couldn’t stay warm this far into the autumn. It was almost November after all, and soon their school blazers alone wouldn’t cut it outside. Sayori led the way to the nearest bus stop. Sitting down on the bench, she beckoned Yuri to the spot beside her. "So I want to know about you, Yuri. Let's see, what to ask first… How about music? What kinds do you like?"

Nervously toying with a lock of her hair, Yuri replied, 

"W-well, I don't want to be one of those _'I listen to everything'_ people, since there are plenty of things I don't care for, but the genres I do like are… very _eclectic_."

"Eclectic?... I uh, can't say I know that word…" Sayori flushed.

"Oh, s-sorry. It means they're… from all over the place. They aren't necessarily similar, in all cases."

"Ooh, okay. What are some examples, then?"

Yuri didn't know if her companion was actually this interested, or if she was just being nice. In middle school, before she'd learned to keep quiet, she would prattle on endlessly about her obsessions, oblivious to the fact that her peers, who feigned interest, were laughing about it behind her back. 

_Sayori's definitely not that cruel, but she's maybe too kind to tell me to stop…_

Seconds of silence passed while her thoughts spiraled like this. Giving up and deciding to take the question at face value, Yuri answered, "Well… th-the Brit pop scene of the early 2000s had a certain subset of bands who really leaned into the psychedelic and experimental aspects of the genre, and I like those a lot. I also really enjoy certain types of classical music. I think that technically 'classical' was a specific period, and there are several other periods, b-but I don't want to be overly picky about the distinction. I can say I'm a big fan of post-rock, motown, and certain, more _atmospheric_ types of metal too…" With every word, Yuri felt mounting dread. She was going on for too long. She was wearing away at Sayori's patience and goodwill.

_Stop rambling and wrap this up before you annoy her too much!_

"umm… and I'd be lying if I said I didn't frequent ' _lofi-chillhop-beats-to-study-slash-relax-to,_ and other similar streams," she added with a smile. Yuri wasn't very confident in her pop-culture knowledge, but she'd spotted the animated character from the stream she often consumed on Sayori's phone screen in the literature club one day, so she went for the reference.

Sayori laughed. She was so fucking beautiful when she laughed.

"Oh, I like that station. I like to listen when it's raining."

The bus arrived before Yuri could formulate a reply or ask about Sayori's music taste in turn, blasting out everyone's eardrums with it's air break. Once aboard, she said almost nothing. Between the crowds of people all around and the fact that she was rubbing against Sayori as the bus lurched about, she was being pummeled by two very different kinds of anxiety at once. Sayori seemed to pick up on this, at least in part, and didn't press her for conversation while they were in transit. 

Eventually the pair transferred from the bus to the green line of the train, and Yuri began to feel a pit in her stomach. 

_The direction we're heading… is Akiyama's the bakery she was talking about?_

Sure enough, Sayori stood up as they approached the stop for the neighborhood where Yuri used to live. Exiting the station and walking the familiar streets, she was filled with both nostalgia and dismay. She had good memories from these parks, and these sidewalks and the bakery that was their destination, but being here without mom… it felt like they would turn a corner and she'd be there, smiling, and every time she wasn't, Yuri's heart ached a little more.

_Keep it together, Yuri. You're supposed to be having fun, not wallowing._

"You alright? You've seemed a little… _uncomfortable_ since we got off the train."

"Oh, n-no, I…" she stammered. Sayori frowned back at her in a way that broke her heart. _She knows you're lying. Just be honest._

Yuri took a deep breath. "W-when my mom was still alive, our apartment was about a kilometer or two from here, on the opposite bank of the river. A-about two blocks from the bakery that I assume we're going to. We used to come around here a lot, a-and… i-it feels… really weird to… b-be here again."

It was the first time Yuri had told anyone her age about what happened to her mother. When she transferred to her current school, she’d just avoided the question from any of her classmates until they realized what a socially inept piece of garbage she was and stopped talking to her altogether. 

_Okay maybe I shouldn't have been honest. Now she's gonna feel bad and ask about mom and I'm probably gonna cry and that'll make her feel worse and I've ruined this trip and oh my god._

"Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry!" The peach-haired girl exclaimed.

"N-no! It's okay. Y-you didn’t know or anything, so… i-it's okay."

There was a long moment of awkward silence before Yuri continued, "I-if you don't mind… talking to me… it might help distract me from… well, you know. I-it can be about anything, really..."

"Of course!" Sayori said. 

This time Yuri led the way down the sidewalks as the pair pressed on.

"So… hmm, what to talk about… Oh, I guess I wanted to tell you that I talked to Monika about what happened yesterday," Sayori explained as they began to walk over the suspension bridge that crossed the river. "I think there might be a bit of a misunderstanding. Right after you left, Natsuki was really upset with herself for what she said during your argument. She knows she got carried away, and she wants to apologize to you. Monika was trying to calm her down so you two could talk it out when you came back to the room. They definitely want you to stay in the club and they both feel really bad about what happened."

Yuri felt uneasy at this. Natsuki and Monika probably hated her, and they were just trying to apologize and be nice out of obligation. "I-I don't know. Is that really true? I'd rather have them be honest than force themselves to pretend to like me…"

"Oh, c'mon, don't talk like that! They're for real. Just… come to club tomorrow before you decide if you're gonna quit. Let them explain it themselves, okay?"

"I-I don't know..." Tomorrow was Friday. If she could skip again, Yuri wouldn't have to face them until next week, which sounded a lot better than facing them tomorrow...

"Aww, C'mon, Yuri! Please? It would mean a lot to me if you came,' Sayori pleaded.

Yuri felt her cheeks heating up. How could she turn down Sayori if she was begging like this? Sweet, beautiful, pure-hearted Sayori?!? Yuri bowed her head in defeat.

"O-okay. I… I suppose I can come." 

"Great!" Sayori smiled back at Yuri, and tingly heat radiated out from her chest. Just having that smile pointed at her… she felt so giddy that she forgot where she was for a moment.

But then they reached the precipice of the suspension bridge, and the top of her old apartment building came into view behind the storefronts, and that pleasant, warm feeling in her chest turned into searing hot spikes of dread and anxiety.

_Nononono I can't do it._

Yuri stopped walking. The closer she got to her old home, the more memories would be triggered, and she'd break down crying, and make Sayori really uncomfortable, and it would ruin everything...

"Uh… d-do you think we could maybe go somewhere else? I… that side of the river… I don't know if I'm ready to face it…"

_No this is bad. You shouldn't be avoiding this. And Sayori was so excited to eat at Akiyama's and you're ruining it you stupid anxious bitch!_

"Oh… yeah, that makes sense," Sayori said. Even Yuri, as much as she struggled with people, could read the disappointment in her voice. "I don't wanna force you into anything you're not ready for."

Yuri felt so guilty. She was trying to think of some way to backpedal and tell Sayori they could go, when, suddenly, her phone shook to life, chiming a generic ringtone as it vibrated. The only people (apart from Sayori) who had her number were her aunt, uncle, and little cousin, so it was probably somewhat important. "I-I'm sorry, do you mind if I answer?"

Sayori shook her head and smiled, so Yuri accepted the call, reading that it was from her aunt as she flipped her phone open. 

"Hello?"

"Hi, Yuri, it's me."

"Hi, Auntie."

"Are you at your club still, honey?"

Yuri swallowed. It wasn't like she wasn't allowed to go out, but it still felt embarrassing to talk about for some reason.

"Uh… a-actually I went out after school with o-one of my friends from the literature club today."

"Oh that's great! Where did you go?"

"W-we're in mill town…"

"Ooh, can you pick up a box of donuts for us at Akiyama's? I'll pay you back"

"O-oh… um…I… well..." _No. NO. You can't weasel out of this twice. Just go there._ "...okay. Y-you don't have to pay me, though"

"Aw you're such a sweetheart. Thanks honey. Anyway, I called because something came up at work. The company we hired to implement the rebrand on our website flaked out, so me and the owner's nephew, who's some kinda computer wiz, are working together to try and do it ourselves before this weekend." 

Yuri's aunt, after whom she was named, was in charge of marketing for a small travel agency specializing in all-inclusive, thoroughly-planned trips and tours. She continued, "I'll probably be here all night today and tomorrow. Tadashi is home now, but he's leaving for a big shipment tomorrow morning. Can you get Shota from school tomorrow, and take care of dinner?" 

Tadashi, Yuri's uncle, was a truck driver, and would often leave for several days at a time. Because of this, she'd occasionally have to keep an eye on her cousin while Auntie was busy. 

But this time she'd already made a promise. "I… uh… I p-promised Sayori I'd be at the literature club tomorrow for s-something kind of important… w-would it be okay if I brought Shota with me?" Maybe she could keep her promise _without_ failing her obligation to the relatives who took her in...

"Oh, sure, that's fine. Just go get him from the elementary school, okay? I don't know if he knows how to get to the high school from there."

"A-alright." When her aunt hung up, Yuri let out a sigh, relieved but also nervous. Shota, her nine-year-old cousin, was understandably resentful of her, after she'd unceremoniously crashed into his life. He'd probably make trouble at the literature club if given the opportunity.

Yuri turned her attention to Sayori, who had zoned out while she was talking to Auntie. The peach-haired girl leaned against the handrail of the bridge, staring down into the waters below… was it longingly? Her eyes looked so exhausted and dull. Yuri had long wondered if the younger girl's bright, sunny disposition could be a way of covering up something painful. Was she...

_No no no don't say anything! You're an inept recluse who can't read people at all and you're going to out yourself if you say something just keep your stupid fucking mouth shut like usual and-_

"Sayori… Do… do you feel it too?"

_Fuck_

_Fuck_

_FUCK_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I know the dead parent thing is kind of overdone in anime, fanfiction, etc. but a huge aspect of Yuri's dialog in the game resolves around loneliness, and a lack of real deep connection to anyone, which I interpret as both at school and at home. In my other fic timeline I had her very disconnected from her cold, emotionally neglectful parents, though, so this time wanted to do something different. Having grown up with a close, loving parent let's it make more sense that she desires and appreciates hugs and affection too, things that might be a bit more foreign to my other stories' Yuri.


	5. Dazed (Sayori)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sayori planned a trip to a cool bakery she'd heard about on the other side of the city. She wanted to take her friend Yuri there to cheer her up after her feelings were hurt at the literature club. Things are getting a lot more intense than she expected, though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The POVs are in a different order for this cycle! Also, I'm going to throw in some Em chapters once in a while. I know nobody comes to the DDLC fandom to read about a gay version the blank-slate MC, so he might not come up as often, but I can't just abandon my boy in good conscience.

“Sayori… Do… do you feel it too?”

The question turned Sayori’s heart to ice. She had just spaced out while Yuri was on the phone and looked over the edge of the bridge and… and… 

She made a conscious effort not to turn towards Yuri and reveal her shocked expression.

_ Did Yuri, of all people, see through me?!? Was I slipping that badly, that she could tell what I was thinking? And she said “too.” Oh god, what do I do here? Crap, I need to say something before she gets suspicious. _

“Huh? Uh… y-yeah it’s starting to get a bit chillier. I’ll have to start wearing a jacket over my blazer when I walk to school soon, ehehe…”

_ No no no! Stupid stupid stupid! You need to tell the truth so she'll open up too… but I can’t just tell her………...can I? _

The taller girl walked over and leaned with both arms on the handrail beside her, staring into the murky water below. Her face was pale, like she was about to be sick, and her expression was anxious, but also… resigned.

Like a convict about to be sentenced

Like a loved one in a hospital waiting room, bracing for bad news.

After more than a minute of silence, Yuri spoke again. "I-I've… I've always admired you. Ever since I joined the club," she said quietly. "Th-the way you just… care  _ so much _ about everyone. How you work so hard to make us feel welcome... A-and I know th-that I'm probably the worst candidate for reading and understanding people, and maybe I'm just  _ projecting _ , b-but… it would make sense to me if you were trying so hard to make others happy because… inside you felt like some kind of burden, a-and you wanted t-to compensate for that."

It was like a punch in the gut. Yuri had figured her out, not even through any social sense, but just by analyzing her actions objectively and trying to find subtext, like she was a character in a book. Had anyone else figured it out too?

"I…" Sayori was at a loss for words. It wasn’t worth hiding her face anymore, so she just stared back.

"I know what it's like to be a burden," Yuri continued, her face now obscured by hanging hair. "I know the literature club would probably be a much tighter group if I wasn't there to make everything awkward. I know that talking to me makes my classmates uncomfortable- m-makes them not want to be around me, and that I kill any kind of fun atmosphere. I know my aunt n-never planned on suddenly having to raise a neurotic teenager alongside her own kid, and that saying 'no' to her dying sister wasn't a  _ real  _ option." There was a long pause. "I-I know what it's like… to feel that maybe everyone would be b-better off if you were gone. Th-that once they got over the obligatory grieving period, they'd actually be s-so much happier… a-and you'd finally be free, if you just…"

Chills shot through Sayori's body as her friend trailed off. There could no longer be any doubt that Yuri was in the same kind of situation as her. She had no idea how to approach this— her head was spinning, and she felt like she might throw up. Yuri looked close to vomiting herself.

"Just… y-you've been the opposite for me," said the purple-haired girl. "Even as limited as our interactions have been before today… y-you've made me feel…  _ accepted _ . Like I actually matter and  _ belong _ somewhere. I-I want you to know that. Being able to come to the literature club and hear your voice… sometimes, on bad days, it's what helps me hang on."

"Y-Yuri…" Sayori looked to her companion and then back to the water.  _ It really is that bad. Yuri… is like me. She wants to die, at least on some level. But for some reason… knowing me has helped her?  _

In that moment, Sayori gathered her resolve. If her presence helped Yuri, she was going to share it generously. "I wanna spend more time with you. Like today. I promise it won't be a burden to me, Yuri. You're worth it a million times over. Let's… let's do this regularly."

Yuri looked back at her, anxiously, for a long moment of tense silence. "C-can I be there f-for you too? O-or… w-was I wrong? D-d-do you n-not feel…  _ it _ ?"

Sayori frowned. "No… you were right. Was it not obvious? From my face and my response?"

Yuri looked away shamefully. "S-sorry."

_ That's right, she has trouble with that. Stupid stupid stupid. She just bared her deepest secrets to me and I immediately had to make her feel worse. What a terrible, terrible friend. _

"N-no— _ I'm  _ sorry. Yeah, let's… let's both be there for each other. Maybe if we face it together… things can be different?"

The words felt so hollow as she said them. Sayori was doubtful that she could ever be rid of the painful emptiness that lived inside of her, but if she could somehow help Yuri, maybe something meaningful could come from her worthless life after all. 

She'd help Yuri, because Yuri  _ deserved _ to be helped, because Yuri actually had  _ real _ problems, and was worth being saved.

_ I'm gonna do better. I'm gonna be the best friend I possibly can to this girl. _

"So… anyway, where should we go now?" Sayori asked. "Is there somewhere around here that's less, uh…  _ weird _ for you than the bakery?"

Standing back up straight, Yuri took a deep breath. "L-let's just go with the original plan. My aunt asked me to go there and buy some donuts for the family when she found out I was in this part of town… i-it's probably bad for me to avoid it like this anyway."

Sayori flashed an encouraging smile to Yuri, whose facial expression failed to match the determination in her words. "Alright. Just let me know if it gets to be too much, okay? I'll get you out of there right away!"

The timid girl nodded, looking both relieved and apprehensive at the same time, and they resumed their walk. Sayori couldn't decide whether or not she should try to talk to Yuri. Earlier she'd said it would help distract her, but after that last exchange, Yuri seemed to be pretty worn out. She was one of the most introverted people Sayori knew, and she must have been running on empty in terms of social energy. 

This thought process was interrupted by Yuri. "I-I'd like to know about you, too, Sayori. C-can you tell me about y-yourself?"

Sayori smirked. Yuri taking the initiative to start conversation was a sight to behold.

"Okay! I'm not all that interesting, but I'll share… um… so I live with my parents and my little brother and sister. My sister's name is Kei and she's eleven. My brother Tachi is thirteen. They're both, like,  _ way smarter _ than I was at their age, but we all look the same— they have the exact same eyes and hair color as me, and they're a little bit chubby, just like I am."

"I-I wouldn't call you chubby," Yuri replied softly. "W-well I suppose it depends on how you define that word, but... It's good to have  _ some _ amount of fat, a-and I think your body is within a healthy range, and really quite attractive, so-." Turning beet red, Yuri cut herself off and apologized, "I-I'm so sorry! Th-that was weird to say, wasn't it…"

_ Yuri thinks I'm attractive? I wonder if she means that in a platonic way or if she's actually physically attracted to me… by the way she's blushing… _

Sayori filed that thought away, deciding not to press it right now. "Ehehe, thanks, Yuri. I think you're way prettier though." This made the tall girl look down at her feet. Sayori had noticed in her time at the literature club that Yuri had trouble taking compliments. This one, though, seemed to trouble her more than most. 

_ I wonder what that's about… _

Another question, filed away in some corner of her brain— Maybe the answers would come eventually as she spent more time around her reclusive friend. As they reached the end of the bridge, Yuri turned left down a set of concrete stairs. It was the opposite direction of the bakery, but she looked over her shoulder to explain, "These will let us go under the bridge and through the park. I-it's a much nicer walk, and it's actually about the same distance s-since you don't have to go the long way around the block."

Sayori nodded and followed her down towards the bank of the river. 

"Y-you were telling me about your family…" Yuri prompted as they descended.

"Ooh, right! So, yeah, it's me and my brother and sister living with my parents. We have a house big enough that we don't have to share rooms, which is nice. My mom does data analysis for the government, and my dad's an engineer for a company that makes car parts. I have some cousins and aunts and uncles and stuff, but they all live on the northern coast near my grandma, so I don't see them much. But they're all really smart with sciency stuff too."

_ The only stupid one is me.  _

"I've lived in the same house since I was, like, two or three years old, so I don't remember anywhere else," Sayori continued as they walked through a pleasant waterfront park, along a path lined with lamp posts on one side and small trees on the other. "It's in a little development of free-standing houses. Em moved into the house diagonally across the street from me when we were both five, and we've been friends ever since."

"That must… be nice. H-having a friend like that for so long..." Yuri stared towards the river as she spoke.

Sayori reached over to pat her on the back. "Well I think he likes you. He's kinda introverted too, and he was really touched that you gave him that book yesterday. I think you two could be good friends."

"R-really?" Yuri's eyes looked so genuinely hopeful— she really  _ was _ lonely, wasn't she? Sayori wondered about the older girl's home life. It seemed like she lived with her aunt, and she'd confirmed that her mother had passed away… what about her father? Was there not anyone at home that Yuri was close with?

"Mhmm." Sayori nodded back. She really hoped she could eventually bring everyone in the literature club together as a tight-knit friend group. For now, bringing Yuri close to her and Em would be a good start.

Now the bakery was in sight as they neared the edge of the park.  _ Akiyama's _ read in white letters across a dark green awning over one of the storefronts in a red brick building.

"Wow, I've never been to this part of town. This looks like something you'd see in America!"

"It does," Yuri nodded. "Th-this whole area was actually built by an American development company in the fifties. The buildings are meant to look like the retrofitted factory and warehouse buildings you see in the eastern US, particularly in New England, b-but they've actually just been commercial and residential buildings all along. I-it's just for the aesthetic."

"That's really cool!" Sayori remarked. "It's neat that you know this kind of stuff, Yuri." The purple-haired girl always seemed to have some cool tidbit of information whenever she got the nerve to speak up at the club too.

"Oh, i-it's nothing, just something I learned g-growing up here," Yuri dismissed as they came out onto the street. After crossing, she held open the door to the bakery. With an exaggerated curtsy, Sayori stepped through, not failing to notice the mounting nerves written across Yuri's face. The interior wasn't  _ crowded _ , exactly, but it was certainly bustling, with several people waiting to place or receive their orders.

But the air was warm and thick with delicious scents, and there were so many amazing looking treats on display in the glass counters that it was hard to stay worried. The atmosphere of the place really helped to bring her spirits back. There were sweets, like cakes and cream puffs and pastries, but also fresh breads, croissants, and biscuits… this place was heaven.

_ I think this will have to be my dinner. There's no way I can try everything I want and still leave room… _

She texted her parents not to wait for her. As she waited in line, mentally debating what to order, Sayori glanced back at Yuri every minute or so. It was mostly to make sure she wasn't starting to freak out or break down, either from crowd-related anxieties or painful memories, but also, just a little bit, because the way her tall friend got all flustered and shy in public was pretty heckin' cute. As long as it didn't get serious. 

Sayori knew that pressing Yuri for conversation in situations like this would stress her out pretty badly, so she just quietly revelled in the charming ambience of the bakery and the company of her friend. Soon enough, she was at the front of the line.

"Hello, how can I help you?" asked the black-haired woman behind the counter.

"Hi! I'd like a chocolate-frosted cream puff, a strawberry Danish, a slice of coffee cake, and a ham n' cheese croissant please. Oh, and a small mochaccino, too, please!" It was a little embarrassing to order so much— whatever Yuri said, Sayori still wasn't proud of her body, and it felt like everyone around was probably silently judging her. But after paying, she had a paper bag full of delicious food and her sweet chocolatey coffee to distract her from these icky feelings. 

She stood off to the side and watched Yuri order. Soon, the purple-haired girl also had her food, and she approached with her iced tea, homemade jam, and three popovers balanced on top of a box of donuts.

"You wanna go find somewhere to sit outside?" Sayori asked, earning a grateful nod from Yuri. They exited the building and sat on a sidewalk bench, overlooking the water. It was on the far side of the street from the storefronts, with pedestrians only passing by occasionally. 

"You looked so grown-up buying stuff with a credit card, Yuri," Sayori remarked with a playful smile, before taking a heavenly bite of her coffee cake.

"Oh… i-it's actually a debit card. It pulls directly from my bank account, instead of racking up a balance." Yuri took a sip of her tea.

"Oh, alright. So do your pa- uh... d-does your aunt put money in there for you or something?" Sayori didn't get a consistent allowance from her parents like some kids did, but they'd usually give her some cash if she told them she made plans with a friend, like today. Involving bank deposits or transfers in either process, though, seemed unnecessarily complicated.

"N-no, I couldn't ask my aunt and uncle for spending money like that. Th-they're already  _ forced _ to feed and house me even though- w-well, anyway, I work as a delivery driver for a local pizza place on the weekends, and my paycheck gets deposited directly into my account every two weeks." The purple-haired girl looked down at her feet while she explained.

"Whoa, hold on! You have a job? And a  _ license _ ?!? And don't you need your own vehicle to do delivery unless it's for a big chain?!? Do you have a motor scooter or something?" Sayori spewed crumbs of coffee cake in her excited line of questioning.

"Uh…" Yuri suddenly seemed embarrassed. "I inherited a car from my mom— she needed it for one of her jobs— a-and my uncle was kind enough to keep it and maintain it until I was old enough to drive, so…"

This was surprising news; a huge portion of working adults in their area got by without ever getting any kind of driver's license, nevermind  _ owning _ a car. 

"Holy cow, that's so cool! If I had a car I'd be showing it off to everyone!"

Yuri seemed unsure of how to respond to that. She stared back at Sayori for a few moments before stuttering out, "I-it's really nothing fancy. J-just a beat-up little two-door. I only use it for work, s-since I never really go anywhere I can't get to by bus or on foot… Oh, b-but I'd be happy to give you a lift sometime, i-if you need it and I'm available."

"Oh, that's not... uh… I wasn't trying to, like, pressure you into offering that, but... thanks." Sayori rubbed at the back of her head. They sat for a few minutes, quietly chewing on their baked goods and looking out over the water. The awkwardness of the silence faded into calm over the course of a few minutes. It was actually pretty relaxing, watching the water and the sky as the sun drew close to the horizon. Looking over at Yuri, the taller girl seemed less anxious than she had for the entire afternoon. 

_ Is this how to properly spend time with Yuri? She looks so serene. _

Sayori smiled.  _ Genuinely.  _ As long as she could keep her mind from wandering to dark places in the silence, quiet time like this might be really nice. Suddenly a ripple disturbed the water's surface several meters out. "Hey, do you think that was a fish?"

"Maybe." Yuri tapped a finger on the donut box as she thought. "I-I think the water here is brackish, since it's only a couple kilometers from the ocean, so there could be both freshwater and saltwater fish in the area."

"Oh, I didn't know it worked like that. It doesn't hurt them at all?

"W-well, I don't think  _ all types _ of fish can handle the changes in salinity, but some species can," Yuri explained. Sayori had doubts that her upperclassman friend was an avid fisherman, so she wasn't sure why or how Yuri knew this, but it was cute, in a way.

While Monika seemed indifferent about it, Natsuki quickly got annoyed with Yuri's tendency to spout off tangential facts on the soemwhat-rare occasions that she was involved in conversation at the literature club. The pink-haired girl interpreted it as Yuri's attempt to prove herself smarter than everyone else. To Sayori, though, all these little bits of trivia that Yuri had absorbed showed that, in her own way, the girl really cared about the world around her, and that she wanted to share that passion. It was charming.

Sayori looked over at her friend. "It's been nice sitting together like this, Yuri. Are you feeling a little better, now that we're out of the crowds?"

"Y-yes, I'm... feeling alright."

There was a twinge of sadness in her voice. It was clearly apparent that the purple-haired girl was not as anxious as she'd been on the train or inside the bakery, but she was hiding something.

Maybe Yuri had sat on this bench with her mother at one point. Maybe her mom was the one who taught her about fish. Maybe she was still upset about the bullying— it was obvious from the way she reacted that it went far beyond just the two locker-graffiti occasions, even if she avoided mentioning it.

_ But if she doesn't want to say anything about it, who am I to press her? I shouldn't force my friends to behave in a way that isn't natural for them, right? _

Sayori decided to let it go, and the comfortable silence returned as they finished their food. After throwing away their trash, the pair set off towards the train station they'd come from. 

The sky was painted with warm colors as they crossed the bridge once more. Sayori stopped walking where they'd had their talk earlier. It still felt… _ unresolved _ . 

Like she'd cut it short too early.

Like she should say something else.

"S-Sayori?" 

Yuri turned around, giving her a confused look.

"Hey… if you ever have a really bad day, and you have…  _ these kinds  _ of thoughts," she nodded towards the ledge, "or… I mean if you have them worse than usual… try to call me, okay?"  _ 'Those kinds of thoughts' _ could happen every day, and didn't necessarily mean a day was  _ particularly _ bad, in Sayori's experience. "I… I know I kind of avoided talking about it in depth earlier, but I want to be there to help you. S-so just call me if it's bad, and I'll come be with you. I'll sit quietly, or talk your ear off, or give you a hug… whatever you need."

It wasn't the most elegantly worded speech, but Sayori thought it got her point across well enough.

Yuri stopped herself from responding immediately, thought for a second, and said,"O-only if you promise to do the same with me. Try to r-reach out when it's bad, and I'll d-do my best to comfort you."

Sayori was a little bit proud of Yuri, for being something that resembled  _ assertive _ with that response. "Sure."

They finished their walk to the station in relative silence, and quietly sat together on the now-crowded train en route to their part of the city. Sayori realized that taking the train home during the evening rush with the shyest person she knew probably wasn't the best way to bond with her, but the 8:00am-4:30pm timing of school didn't really leave them a choice on weekdays like this.

_ Maybe I should just have her over at my house next time… _

They switched to a bus once they got to the closest train stop, and parted ways soon after. Sayori felt bad leaving her friend alone on the bus, but her neighborhood was several stops away from Yuri's and she was already a bit tired from walking. She waved, sighing, as the vehicle pulled further away, and set off towards her street. That had been… way more emotionally exhausting than she was expecting. 

Finding those nasty things written on Yuri's locker, discovering that the other girl's mother was dead, being confronted about her depression and her… bad urges.

_ We were just supposed to go to a bakery and eat sweets, jeez. _

Sayori considered stopping by Em's, to visit him and take her mind off of everything that had happened, but decided she better stay out of his hair. He'd spent enough time putting up with her that day, walking to school and eating lunch together— she better not bother him anymore.

Her parents, watching news on the TV, greeted her when she arrived at home. "Hi honey, did you have fun with your friend?" Asked her father.

"Mhmm. That part if the city is really cool! I can't believe we've never gone there," she replied.

"Well," said her mother, "we sort of avoided it on purpose. Mill town has improved a lot the past several years, but it was a little sketchy when you were a kid. Not like gang wars or anything, but lots of drugs and homeless."

"Really? I wonder what Yuri's experience was like, then— I think she grew up there," Sayori wondered aloud. 

Her mom nodded, "Interesting. I forget— is Yuri the short one who came over to bake, or the brown-haired girl you made the promotional flyers with a while back?"

"Oh, this is a third girl. You haven't actually met her before. Yuri's a third year. She's tall, with purple hair and eyes, and she's  _ super _ shy. I think I wanna spend more time with her, though, so you might meet her soon."

"Well, your friends are welcome over for dinner anytime. Just, y'know, give us some notice so we know how much food to cook or order," added her father. Order was probably the more realistic scenario. 'Cooking' that didn't involve dehydrated packets or pre-frozen meals was rare in their household.

Sayori nodded back enthusiastically. She made her way to the kitchen for a glass of water. She'd done a lot of walking, and the coffee-based drink she had earlier hadn't done much to hydrate her. Probably the opposite. 

Tachi was working on his homework at a cleared spot on the cluttered kitchen counter. she said hello to him while she retrieved a cup from the cabinet and filled it in the sink. While the rest of her family didn't share in her learning struggles, they were just as messy as Sayori (even more so in her father's case) and their house was enough to cause an aneurysm in any neat freak. Monika had worn a brave face on the occasion that she'd come over, but it had been obvious that she was super stressed amongst the clutter. 

Hydration in hand, Sayori shot up the stairs to her room, passing Kei's closed door on the way. Sayori's younger sister, like her, seemed to prefer seclusion for her schoolwork, while their brother liked the background noise of the ground floor. Sayori had homework tonight too, but how could she focus on that right now? After everything that had happened, she was now left alone in her bedroom to process the events of the day, and her head was spinning. 

Someone knew about her depression. They knew it was bad enough that she thought about killing herself. That person, her friend, had  _ the same kinds of thoughts. _

Sayori's heart raced as she flopped face-down onto her bed. She had to be a good friend to Yuri. To save her. There were real stakes now- she knew from the TV that suicide tended to be contagious for those who were already vulnerable. If she were to go through with it, Yuri would probably follow, so it was absolutely not an option. Em might even be vulnerable too, with what he told Monika about Sayori being his only 'real' friend. Living in the closet in fear of his parents certainly couldn't help his mental state. 

Sayori  _ had _ to stick around, at least until Yuri and Em moved on to better friends, and that could take months or  _ years. _ She looked over towards the bottom drawer of her desk, where the rope was stashed. She'd gotten it from the shed on impulse weeks ago, but her alone time and her resolve had never aligned since then.

_ I need to put that back… _

It didn't get  _ that  _ bad  _ that  _ often, but she thought she should remove the temptation either way. It would probably be a little easier now, though, since she had a goal to work towards.

With a heavy sigh, she took her algebra book and notebook from her school bag. She'd probably get everything wrong, especially with how distracted she was, but if she at least turned  _ something  _ in she'd get partial credit.

  
  



	6. Disappointment (Monika)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Monika goes to school for her first day with a "taken" relationship status.

Monika laid in bed, smiling like an idiot as she stared at her new phone background. She had a girlfriend.

She'd "dated" two different boys when she was in middle school, but it felt like those didn't count. This was a  _ high school  _ relationship. It was with somebody she'd known since the spring, and really had the chance to fall for— not some kid she'd never met asking her out because she looked cute. She'd hardly done more than hold hands and share an awkward dance in the school gymnasium with her "boyfriends," but she was already going to get to  _ kiss _ Natsuki tomorrow and OH MY GOD!!!

She shut off the phone and wrapped herself up in the blankets, exhausted enough to overcome even her romantic butterflies and club-related anxieties, and drifted off.

* * *

When she awoke, Monika had the usual split second of confusion as she tried to remember whether she was in her mom’s house or her dad’s condo. Her rooms in both domiciles had beige carpet and white walls, and they’d both gotten her the same model of electric keyboard to practice on, so it was hard to figure out without inspecting the furniture. Today it was the latter.

She glanced at her phone and realized she'd woken up before her alarm, by about twenty minutes. Going to bed at 7:30pm might have helped in that regard. Standing up and stretching with a yawn, Monika ambled down the stairs into the thick smell of cooking eggs.

"Oh hey, you're up early," greeted her father's boyfriend Satoshi. He was a short, pudgy man in his mid forties, with thinning, graying hair that used to be the same peach-pink color as Sayori's, and he'd been a part of her life since she was eleven. "Your dad's not back from his jog yet. I'm making omelettes."

"Thanks, they smell great!" Monika commented, taking a seat at the counter. Satoshi was a professor of mathematics at one of the local Universities, and would make hot breakfast for Monika and her dad on days when he didn't have morning classes to teach.

He turned away from his cooking for a moment to give her a once over. "You're looking way happier than yesterday morning. Did something happen at school?"

Monika blushed hard. "Uh… y-yeah, I... got a girlfriend."

The man’s eyes lit up. "Ooh, congratulations! Tell me about her!"

"Well… uh... her name is Natsuki. She's in my year, but we don't have any classes together. We know each other because she's in my literature club. She's pretty independent— Like... she doesn't let anybody else's opinion stop her from enjoying what she likes. And she's, like, easy to get fired up... I guess  _ passionate _ is a good word. I really like that about her."

Monika could go on and on in her head about what made Natsuki so great, but she was far too embarrassed to gush about it out loud.

"She sounds lovely, Mons! You should have her over for dinner soon." he said. Then, with a toothy grin, he added, "but I'll be the first one to sit with you and trash-talk her if she ever hurts you."

Monika laughed. 

"High school girls beware the wrath of Satoshi, the grown-ass man. Berating underage girls with zero shame."

"You know it, baby," He cheered. 

With his playful personality, Satoshi really blurred the lines between a parental and older-sibling figure for her. Looking back, it may have been intentional on his part, considering how devastated Monika had been when they met, from the one-two punch of her parents’ divorce and her sister moving away for college.

"So… what about your mother? Are you gonna introduce her, or… did you ever even tell her you were interested in girls yet?"

_ Fuck. _

This made her smile disappear. Monika looked down at the counter in front of her. "N-no. I… I'm kinda scared to."

Satoshi scratched at his stubbly chin, seemingly debating something in his head. After briefly looking over his shoulder, he turned to her. "Don't tell Marc I said this, but I think she'll be fine. I really think her whole  _ being homophobic  _ thing is just… it's not real. It's a  _ petty _ reaction to him getting with me after the divorce. There's no  _ conviction _ to it, y'know? She really loves you, Mons, so I think she'll change her mind as soon as she realizes you're serious."

Monika looked up to meet his eyes. "You think so?"

"I really do. Totally different vibes from my family." He turned back towards the stove. "Ooh, you should send your girlfriend a good morning text! You get to experience all that cute  _ new relationship  _ stuff now, I'm so happy for you!"

With a smile, she nodded. It was a good idea. She pulled up Natsuki's contact and started typing.

[Good morning cupcaaaaake]

[I fell asleep right away like a good girl.]

[I'm comin' for those cheeks (• 3 •)]

As she sent the last message, her father returned from his jog, greeting both of them. "Morning, Mons. Ooh it's smelling really good, 'Toshi."

"Hi, dad." Monika set her phone down, not expecting a response for some time. Nats probably wouldn't wake up for another half hour or so.

"Morning Marc," said Satoshi. "So, Mons was just telling me about her new girlfriend, Natsuki!"

"Huh? Oh, wow, that's great, honey, congratulations." His reaction was much more subdued, but still genuinely happy for her. "She's one of your literature club friends, right? I remember hearing that name at some point."

Monika was surprised, and a little bit touched. She'd probably only mentioned her members by name two or three times since the spring, when she'd founded the club. She wouldn't blame him for a second if the names of some random school girls he'd never met had slipped his mind. "Yeah, that's right."

"Well, I look forward to meeting her," he said, splashing water from the sink on his face, then drinking from the faucet. "Have you told Sarah yet? She's gonna be excited for you."

"No, but I'm supposed to FaceTime with her tonight." Monika's older sister, now working as an accountant in the capitol, did her best to stay in touch with her, and they’d typically have a video call at least once a week.

"Great," said her father. 

His face got serious as he looked into Monika's eyes

"Be careful around your mother. She might go off on you if she found out."

_ Ah, there it is. _

Over her dad's shoulder, she could see Satoshi rolling his eyes. Her parents were on bad terms, to put it mildly, and hearing them subtly put each other down under the guise of concern for Monika was, unfortunately, not uncommon. It hurt her somewhere deep down, picking at scars that had never fully healed from the custody battle when she was ten. She could never say that out loud, though.

In a slightly sullied, but still overall positive mood, Monika ate the veggie omelette that Satoshi had made for her, listening to the two men banter and bicker over their meal. Afterwards, she went upstairs, put her hair up to keep it dry, and hopped in the shower. Monika had bathed the previous night, but she liked to start her day with a cold rinse-off to energize herself.

When she got out, she had a new reply from Natsuki. 

[Morning.]

[Too early to come up with quips or cutesy bullshit. Sorry.]

Monika rolled her eyes, put her phone down, and got dressed. Still, she couldn't help but smile. With a well-practiced hand, she got her makeup done in just a few minutes, and returned to the ground floor. She said goodbye to her father, now in his business suit, and Satoshi, still his pajamas, and set off towards school with a boxed lunch prepared by the latter. 

The air was chilly and thick, and although everything was wet, as if it had rained overnight, the sun was peeking through the clouds. As the walk progressed, Monika's fingers were starting to feel pretty cold, so she shoved her hands into her custom-sewn, secret skirt pockets. (Take  _ that _ , women's clothing designers.) Almost immediately, though, she felt a vibration from her phone, and had to remove them from their sanctuary to check what it was. Unlocking the screen, she found a series of new texts from an unknown number.

[Hello Monika, this is Yuri.]

[I asked Sayori for your number. I'm sorry if that is unwelcome.]

[I have to take care of my cousin today, and I wanted to ask if it is OK for me to bring him to the club meeting.]

[I meant to ask you yesterday, but it slipped my mind. I'm sorry for the short notice.]

Monika laughed to herself.

_ Oh my god, she texts so robotically.  _

With a smile, she typed back,

[Hey, no worries at all!]

[Of course you can bring him]

[And im happy to have your number!]

[Is it cool if I text you once in a while?]

It took a while, but eventually a reply came.

[OK. I don't have unlimited texting, though, so please keep that in mind.]

Monika squinted at the screen. The last time she'd heard of a phone plan that didn't have unlimited texting, she was in elementary school, begging for her first flip phone. 

_ Is she too scared to just tell me she doesn't want to be texted? Maybe she’s still upset about Wednesday... _

Monika brushed the thought aside for now, nearing the school grounds.

Her heart began to flutter as she thought about seeing Natsuki. About meeting one another for the first time since becoming a couple. About the shorter girl's soft, freckled cheeks and what they might feel like beneath her lips. She could already feel herself blushing. 

_ Man, she's not even here and I'm getting all worked up. Why can't I keep calm? _

Monika shook her head just before passing through the school gate. She wasn't sure whether Natsuki usually went straight to her homeroom in the morning, or hung out in one of the common gathering areas, so she found a spot to stand and observe the main entrance. She was fairly early, and Nats didn't  _ seem like _ a morning person, so Monika was hopeful that she'd catch her new girlfriend on the way in.

But the first bell drew closer and closer, and there was still no sign of the pink-haired girl. At 7:56, she gave up and reluctantly hurried to her homeroom. After greeting her classroom acquaintances, Monika sent a text to Natsuki. 

[Guess I missed you this morning. :'( I was looking by the entrance.]

A reply came quickly this time.

[I was super early today. Long story. Tell you later.]

She was early? Had Natsuki already been on the way to school when she’d replied to Monika’s good morning text?

[Ok. Which lunch period do you have today?]

[1st.]

_ Dammit _ .

[( ｡>﹏< ｡) I have 3rd today.]

Monika had been so excited to see her new girlfriend, but now it was looking like she'd have to wait all day. Nothing was going according to plan and it was starting to stress her out.

Her phone buzzed with another message from Natsuki.

[It's okay. There's still the club.]

_ Is she getting annoyed? _

Looking back at the messages she'd just sent, it certainly seemed like Monika was being ‘ _ too much’ _ — that Natsuki's replies were short and not very open-ended, and that she’d been quite persistent.

[I'm sorry. I won't always be so overbearing.]

[I'm just excited because it's our first school day as a couple, i guess.]

[It's fine. You're overthinking.]

[Looking forward to seeing you too.<3]

Monika couldn't help but crack a small smile at the reassuring messages, complete with a heart. Maybe she hadn't annoyed Natsuki. Yet. But she'd have to keep an eye on herself, and try not to be so...  _ clingy _ .

Thinking about that was making her anxious, though, so Monika did her best to absorb herself in classwork, and eventually, made it to lunch period. She found herself in the cafeteria, glancing around in search of a familiar face. 

She spotted Sayori, holding a cup noodle and waiting in line for hot water. The machine was attended by a staff member (after an  _ incident _ the previous year) and soon, he was handing Sayori's now-steaming noodle cup back to her. It was difficult to flag down the peach-haired girl, oblivious to Monika's waving as she concentrated on not spilling burning hot broth onto her hands.

"Oh, Monika!" She exclaimed when she finally noticed. She shuffled over, still carefully cradling the noodles. "I'm so happy for you two!!! Natsuki told me!!!"

If Natsuki was telling their friends, it probably meant she wasn't  _ too  _ annoyed, and that she wasn't already regretting her decision, so… good news?

"Thanks, ehehe," she laughed awkwardly. "Mind if I sit with you today?"

"Sure!" Sayori replied, "I didn't sit down anywhere yet, so pick wherever you want."

"Alright," Monika replied, stopping on the spot and sitting in the nearest seat.

"Good choice," Sayori commented with a smirk. "So, how long have you liked Natsuki?"

Monika blushed. "I-I… uh… s-since halfway through first term. So, like, in May, I think"

"Wow really?!? I only started to suspect, like, a month ago!"

Monika was embarrassed, but not totally surprised that Sayori had seen it. 

"Do you have any dates planned?" Sayori asked excitedly.

"Well, we're getting together this weekend. Nats doesn't get an allowance, so I'm trying to think of places we could go for free. She says she doesn't want me paying for her all the time."

"That sounds like her," Sayori commented, smiling. "It's gonna get colder soon so maybe you should do outdoor stuff while it's still nice. Like, have a picnic at the public beach, or walk on some of the upriver trails."

Monika nodded back. "Yeah, Em heard us talking about it yesterday and suggested the botanical garden."

"Ooh, I love it there!" Exclaimed the vice president. "It'll be free on… um… two weeks from Sunday I think?"

"Yeah, that's what he was saying. It's too bad I waited this long, though," Monika said. "I've always wanted to try taking the train up towards the mountains and floating back downriver in a pool float. That would've been a good date."

"Oh yeah, I've seen people doing that. It looks fun! You're about a month late for it, though. Hypothermia's not in fashion this year."

"Yeah…" Monika sighed wistfully.

There were a few moments of silence before Sayori spoke up again.

"So you've been crushing on her for six months… No wonder you were trying so hard to get the club to meet up in the summer, little miss ulterior motives." She raised her eyebrows.

Monika squirmed under her friend's mischievous gaze. "H-hey, that was, like,  _ mostly  _ pure-intentioned. Like… seventy-thirty." That made Sayori laugh. "It's too bad nobody had Yuri's number back then, though. It would have been nice to have all four of us," Monika continued.

"Oh yeah, that reminds me— did she text you this morning? She has to look after her cousin today..."

Monika nodded. "Yeah, I told her she could bring him. I'm glad you convinced her to come back. Even when she had a valid excuse to skip. You must have been very…  _ persuasive _ ."

She winked suggestively, and watched the innuendo fly right over Sayori's head. 

"Well, I was just honest with her. Or, well… that coupled with a little bit of begging."

"Ah, you flexed the puppy dog eyes then? For that to have worked, though, it must mean she's pretty fond of you." 

Monika was 75% sure that Yuri had a crush on Sayori, and, like,  _ 99% _ sure that Yuri would  _ never ever  _ say _ anything _ about it if it were true. Regardless of whether the feelings were reciprocated or not, Monika wanted to plant seeds for Sayori to realize. That way it would actually get addressed, instead of just festering, unresolved, until the purple-haired girl graduated and disappeared from their daily lives.

"Mmm…" Sayori replied, her expression becoming far more somber. "I think you were right about her being… really lonely. And it's more than just being ignored by her classmates— they're actively bullying her. There were all kinds of nasty things written on her shoe cubby when we met up yesterday."

_ Well, now she knows… _

It was kind of sad, in a way, to know that Sayori had lost that blissful ignorance. Monika frowned before the peach-haired girl continued, "I'm gonna spend more time with her from now on."

With a nod, Monika asked, "How was yesterday, by the way? Like, what did you do?"

Sayori considered for a moment, chewing on her lip as she thought. "It was... unlucky. But alright. We went to a bakery in Milltown that Em told me about, but it turned out Yuri grew up in that neighborhood, and it brought up some… painful memories for her. Things got a lot more… uh,  _ personal _ than I expected. B-but I feel like we got closer, so I guess it's alright. I just feel guilty."

"Oh… well, you had no way of knowing that, so don't beat yourself up. And it's good that you got closer. Maybe once the stuff from Wednesday blows over, Natsuki and I can get closer with her too."

Sayori smiled warmly, looking down at the table, and softly said, "Yeah, that'll be really nice."

Monika had the impression that Sayori normally amped up her cheeriness, to some extent, for everyone else's sake, but the way she just spoke… it was  _ so _ genuine. This joy, sparked by the prospect of everyone in their club becoming closer friends, reminded Monika of what a pure-hearted person Sayori was.

_ This girl is a national treasure.  _

"W-what? Do I have something on my face?" Sayori looked back at her nervously. Monika realized she'd been smiling and staring.

"Oh, n-no, you're all good. Sorry. Just… I'm glad you're my friend."

"Wha-? W-where's all this coming from?" The peach-haired girl twiddled her fingers awkwardly.

"Don't worry about it," she replied.

* * *

Monika had spent her last period of the day, a free block, practicing at one of the pianos in the smaller of the school's music rooms. She had tried to play the previous day as well, but had been too distracted by the peril of her club. Today, somehow, the tone of the school bell had been lost among the noise of the instrument, and she found herself running through the hallways, more than fifteen minutes late for the literature club.

_ What note is the tone of the school bell? Is it in key with what I was playing? _ Monika pondered absently as she rushed up the stairs. When she reached the third floor and turned towards the clubroom door, she saw Yuri approaching from the opposite direction, with a boy who must have been her cousin in tow. He looked about ten, with a messy mane of hair that bordered between dirty blond and light brown, and pale gray eyes. In other words, he looked nothing like Yuri.

The purple haired girl waved, looking uncomfortable, as they awkwardly converged on the clubroom door. 

"Hi Yuri," Monika said, breathing heavily. "And it's nice to meet you, my name is Monika," she said to the boy.

"Hi, I'm Shota," he replied, squinting as he looked her up and down, then in the eye. 

_ Shit, this kid is intense. _

She entered the room first, still catching her breath. “Hi everyo-”

"About freakin time!" Natsuki remarked, glaring at Monika and Yuri as they entered. "You were acting like you wanted to see me so badly this morning, but then you can't be fucked to show up to the club on time? And who's this kid?" Nats seemed mostly facetious, but her words still stirred up little clouds of guilt in Monika's belly.

"Th-this is my cousin, Shota," Yuri nervously explained. "I-I'm looking after him today."

"Hey there! I'm Sayori, the vice president," the peach-haired girl introduced herself with a grin, "and these two are Em and Natsuki." 

Em meekly waved as the young boy eyed all of the club members suspiciously. "Hi."

_ The poor kid is probably just nervous meeting all these high schoolers. _

Monika cleared her throat. "Okay, everyone, sorry I'm late. Let's just take it easy and read for a bit. We can exchange poems later if everyone remembered to write one. It's not a big deal if you forgot, though. I know it's been… hectic this week."

"Oh yeah, and what about the festival on Monday?!?" Sayori chimed in. "Are we still doing the thing?

Monika's heart sank. She'd been planning to pitch the idea of a poetry recital to everyone the other day, but because of the fiasco that had happened, she'd forgotten. It's not like she'd had a chance to anyway, considering half the club was absent yesterday. 

"Uh… I think we might have to save that for spring. Maybe we can all come up with something together that's a bit simpler, or maybe just, like, sit this one out? I don't know…"

Sayori nodded. "Alright, that's okay with me." Her blue eyes scanned over Natsuki and Yuri as she spoke. Monika was relieved that they wouldn't have to pressure them into the recital, and she guessed Sayori might be thinking the same thing.

"Um, is anyone up for some tea?" Yuri asked, looking around the classroom without actually making eye contact with anyone.

"I'll have some if you're making it," said Em. Sayori nodded in agreement. Looking relieved for a chance to escape the room, Yuri left to fill up the pitcher. She was in such a hurry that she forgot to set up the electric kettle like usual. As the door closed behind her, Monika and everyone else awkwardly realized they were left with her cousin.

"So, uh, Shota, how old are you?" Sayori asked, trying to break the tension. 

"Nine," answered the boy flatly, giving her little else to work with.

"Ooh, so are you starting middle school the year after next?"

"Yep." The kid seemed very unenthusiastic about talking to her, giving terse responses and crossing his arms. Monika thought she should chime in.

"Just make yourself at home, Shota. You can work on your homework, or  _ read _ or something. Natsuki has some manga in the closet that she might share if you ask nicely."

Monika immediately saw that she'd made a mistake as her girlfriend glared back indignantly.

"What, you think manga's all for kids? I'll have you know at least half my collection is rated sixteen or eighteen plus."

Em smirked at this. "Natsuki… are you keeping porn in the clubroom closet?"

She blushed hard. "No! Well… s-some of the stories have sexual elements, I guess, but, like, so does, like, every book we read in class.  _ Romeo and Juliet, 1984, Catcher in the Rye _ …"

"Alright, alright, I get it," he said, putting his hands up, but still smirking. Monika was relieved to have Natsuki's ire redirected away from her, but also felt kinda bad that her girlfriend was being teased.

The pink-haired girl let out a dramatic huff. "I don't trust this kid with my books anyway. He's been giving us the stink eye the whole time he's been here." Nats turned towards the child. "What's your deal?"

_ C'mon Nats, he's just a nervous little kid, cut him a break… _

At this point Yuri returned with her full water pitcher. The boy glared defiantly at Natsuki, undeterred by the presence of his temporary caretaker. 

" _ I'm _ trying to figure out what  _ your _ deals are. None of you would be hanging out with Yuri if you weren't all gross weirdos." He pointed at the purple-haired girl as he said her name.

_ What. _

_ W h a t _

Monika glanced over at Yuri, to find her staring at the floor. Shifting her gaze back to her girlfriend, Monika saw fire in Natsuki's eyes.

" _ Excuse _ me? You're gonna come here to our meeting, insult all of us, and talk shit about our friend?"

The boy backed up a little, apparently intimidated by the way Natsuki got up from her desk and closed the distance between them. It didn't stop him from continuing, though. "W-well she lives with me and my parents— I know her better than you do! Did you know she hardly leaves her room or talks at home? Did you know she collects knives like a serial killer? And she has a bunch of those freaky plants that eat bugs, too. Plus, if you look close, you can see she has mustache hairs on her face!” 

The comment about Yuri’s appearance didn’t seem to fit in with the rest of his arguments, but it was clear that the kid was just trying to tear into her any way he could, and hadn’t put much thought into it, “You shouldn't be friends with her. I bet she doesn't even want to be your friend— she probably just secretly wants to kiss you, because she's a lesbian!"

Yuri, who had merely looked absent and slightly dejected up to this point, started at that last part. "H-how… Shota… I only ever told mom…"

"When she was still alive, I heard her telling  _ my _ mom."

Yuri's eyes widened further. She glanced around panickedly between her clubmates. Monika reasoned she must not have been ready for them to find out about either of those things. Was the loss of her mother what Sayori had meant by 'painful memories' associated with Milltown? 

The meeting was going downhill  _ real fast _ , for the second time this week, but all Monika could do was watch. Again, she was frozen.

Sayori took a step closer. "Alright guys, let's–"

Natsuki, looking about ready to punch the child, cut her off. "You got a problem with gay people, you little shit? Well guess what— I'm a lesbian too. Monika, here, is my girlfriend, and Em is also gay! You’re outnumbered here."

Taken aback at first, Em eventually nodded his confirmation.

" _ Yeah right _ . You're just messing with me," said Shota.

_ Oh my god. This kid… _

Monika turned her head to find that, suddenly, Natsuki was right in front of her. Before she could ask what was happening, the shorter girl shot up on tiptoes and firmly planted her lips on Monika's, hanging small arms off her neck and pressing herself close.

_ What the fuck is happening oh my god I'm not ready for this oh my god _

Monika could hear the pounding of her heart inside of her head, and feel her face profusely blushing as the increasingly invasive kiss continued.

"See?!? Natsuki said, breaking off and turning towards Yuri's cousin without letting go of the stunned Monika. "She's my girlfriend. Asshole."

"THAT'S ENOUGH EVERYONE!" Sayori shouted before the boy could retort. "This is the literature club! It's not the fighting club," she shot a glare at Natsuki, "and not the bullying club," she gave an icy look to Shota. "Let's have our tea, and just calm down."

This was the harshest Monika had seen Sayori be when de-escalating some kind of argument, but she wasn't sure if anything more gentle would have worked. After all, she couldn't exactly play the  _ friendship _ card against the mean-spirited nine-year-old she'd just met.

Yuri, seemingly having forgotten that she was in the process of making tea, took a deep breath, and started fiddling with her electric kettle.. Monika could tell that the purple-haired girl's hands were shaking. Meanwhile, Em just kind of awkwardly hovered around Sayori while Natsuki and Shota went to sit on separate sides of the classroom.

Monika sat down at the teacher's desk, Feeling undeserving of her role as president once more. She closed her eyes and held her face in her hands. 

She'd frozen up again, failing to break up an argument. Natsuki had just  _ made out  _ with her, for like  _ ten seconds _ , in front of  _ everyone _ , pushing her  _ far _ beyond her comfort zone and robbing her of the chance for her first real kiss to be romantic. She was  _ humiliated.  _

She'd started her day feeling so happy and light, like a rainbow-colored butterfly, fluttering in the sunlight, but now she just wanted to slither under a rotting log and live there like the cold, miserable, slimy slug she was.

Despite her chilly feelings, the tear that snuck out of Monika's eye, tickling its way down her cheek, was warm. Soon it was joined by another, then a third.

Why did she have to be like this? Why did these club meetings have to be like this? Why did Yuri's cousin have to be like this? 

She wished she was alone in the classroom, so she could crawl under the teacher's desk and curl up in a ball without making a scene. When she was little and Sarah hadn't moved away yet, her older sister would sit on the floor with her, enveloping her with strong arms and a blanket while Monika hugged her knees close and cried. Sarah had coined the name "beanpod" for this comfort strategy, and Monika hated to admit that she missed it dearly.

Sadly, though, their eight-year age gap meant that Monika's sister, closest friend, and third parent, graduated and moved away for college before she even entered middle school. It had been six long years since she was last able to be a sad little bean wrapped in a safe, warm pod.

As Monika sat, wishing to be comforted, the now-subdued voice of her girlfriend interrupted her nostalgic yearning and pulled her back to the classroom.

"Hey…"

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	7. Shame (Natsuki)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natsuki gets a stern talking-to from one of her teachers, eats lunch with a friend, and comforts Monika after Yuri's little cousin ruined the club meetnig

"How many times have I told you that _sleeping_ is not allowed in my class?"

A frustrated Ms. Navuluri made hard eye contact with Natsuki as she scolded her after class. She'd never noticed the little flecks of orange in her teacher's icy, gray-blue eyes before. 

Natsuki knew she could have just been given a detention, or sent to the office, so the fact that the teacher was talking to her meant she could escape real punishment if she played her cards right. In the most remorseful tone she could muster, Natsuki said, "I'm sorry."

Ms. N sighed. "I _want_ to believe that you're sorry, but it's happened so many times, Natsuki. If you're really sorry, why do you keep doing it over and over?"

Her tone didn't seem very angry— she was genuinely asking. Natsuki looked down at the ground. "I really am sorry, Ms. N. I-it's not like I'm _trying_ to fall asleep. I don't even remember closing my eyes today…"

"I see, so it's not voluntary." This didn't seem to surprise the teacher at all. Had she been expecting the conversation to come here? Natsuki had a bad feeling about this. "Is there anything _going on_ at home that might be causing this?" 

_Shit. I should have seen this coming._

Ms. N had been carefully leading to this exact point, hadn't she?

"U-uh, no, n-nothing that I can think of."

_Fuck. Way to play it cool, idiot._

"You know you can always talk to your teachers if something is wrong," prompted the teacher.

"Ok, thanks. Good to know. I-I should really get going to my next class…"

Natsuki could see the disappointment in the woman's eyes.

_She can see right through me, can't she?_ Natsuki thought as she turned and started to walk away. Her heart's pounding felt like an angry silverback gorilla was slamming its fists against her chest instead of its own. 

It would be okay, though. As long as _she_ didn't _say_ anything, then _they_ couldn't _do_ anything. Right? She wasn't sure exactly who _they_ were in this case. Maybe the school, or the police, or some social welfare department from the government or something? But if she kept her mouth shut, they wouldn't have any cause to investigate her. She'd still have a family. She'd still have a place to stay, and she wouldn't be carted away from her friends to live in some shitty foster home _God knows where_.

Her home life wasn't _that_ bad. Sure, she got yelled at a lot, but she also _did_ a lot of the yelling. It's not like he hit her very often, and when he did, he always felt really bad about it. The food situation was… well there was no denying it was bad, but after last night he'd probably feel guilty and go to the grocery. She'd be set for a little while, at least.

_Shit, it's Friday, though— he might not come home at all._

"Natsuki!"

Her teacher's voice snapped her out of her musing.

"Next period is lunch block, and you have first lunch," said Ms. Navuluri, pointing at a piece of paper she had in a manilla folder. She must have pulled a copy of Natsuki's schedule from the office. "You're not headed to a class with a teacher who will mark you as late. _Come back here._ "

_Shit, I messed up…_

She slowly approached the teacher's desk _._

The woman looked into her eyes for a good thirty seconds of complete silence. Without breaking the gaze, she handed a slip to Natsuki. "I'm not sure I've ever seen you with your own lunch when I've been on monitor duty. Turn in this pass at the counter and you can get a full size lunch tray."

Natsuki looked down to see her name and student ID number, along with Ms. N's signature on the voucher. 

"We can _help_ you Natsuki. Please let us."

Taken aback, Natsuki lowered her head. "Th-thank you… for this." She couldn't look her teacher in the face any more.

"You can go," said the woman, a little more softly.

"Th-thanks."

Natsuki awkwardly shuffled out of the room, full of mixed feelings. What the hell was that? Was Ms. Navuluri, like, the most observant person on the planet? She must teach at least five class blocks per day, each with twenty or more students— was she keeping tabs on a hundred different kids among the hundreds of others in the cafeteria whenever she was on duty? 

It was scary to learn how closely she was being watched, but that fear was accompanied by a more short-term relief that she could eat a full meal. For _lunch!_ Even when they had food at home, she’d usually skip packing a lunch to make the groceries last longer, so this was a rare treat.

Arriving at the cafeteria, Natsuki found that the line to buy lunch was almost empty. When she joined the short queue, she noticed a familiar mop of shaggy brown hair in front of her. 

"Hi Em."

He turned around, surprised. "Oh, hey Natsuki. Guess I'm not the last one in line after all."

Natsuki felt her cheeks heat up a bit as she decided which parts of her situation to leave out in response to that.. 

"Yeah, I… uh… fell asleep in class and the teacher held me back to yell at me about it."

"Oof, that's awkward. Do you at least feel refreshed after your nap?"

She squinted back at him. "If I was tired enough to _literally_ pass out while the teacher was talking, do you think a half hour is really gonna help?"

"I guess not. I mean, I was mostly being facetious… y'know… trying to make conversation." Em pouted slightly.

Natsuki rolled her eyes. Was he trying to guilt trip her now? Was he still joking around? Or should she take it at face value? She didn't have a good feel for the newest club member quite yet. "Alright, I get it. So what about you? What did you do to get held after class?"

“I was in the bathroom," he answered as he picked up a tray. If it made him late it meant he must have been in there for a while...

"Ew! At least make up some cover story! Nobody wants to know that you were taking a dump!"

" _You_ asked," sassed the boy, suddenly looking very embarrassed. "You don't have to yell it out like that. _Jeez_. I'm bad at making stuff up on the spot, okay?"

He scowled as he turned around, reached for a chicken patty sandwich, and placed it in his tray. Natsuki contemplated what to choose herself- the lunch voucher from Ms. N entitled her to a "full lunch"- one main dish and two sides, with a carton of juice or milk. She had to get the most she possibly could out of it, just in case Papa didn't actually end up buying groceries tonight.

_I need something sugary for short-term energy, something with lots of carbs for mid-term, and something with protein for long-term, right? Is that how it works? I should have paid closer attention in biology..._

For the main dish, Natsuki opted for a ham sandwich, just like the one she'd smeared on Yuri's bully the day before (beating out the smaller, more compact chicken patty and the sad-looking square pizza). Processed as it was, the ham would give her some protein, and the mayonnaise probably had a lot of calories in it. There was even a little bit of lettuce in there, which might give her some nutrients. A good thing, she reasoned, since she was probably deficient in, like, _every kind_ of vitamin.

For side dishes, the options were tater tots, salad, peas, fruit cocktail, and _rice and beans_ . She chose tater tots first- they were tasty, and full of carbs; never the wrong choice. As much as she needed the aforementioned vitamins, Natsuki ruled out the salad, since it had almost no calories. The peas were definitely off the table, because _eww—_ regular peas were gross enough, nevermind these nasty canned ones served by the school. She was sorely tempted to go for the sweet fruit cocktail, but she decided to double up on carbs with the rice and beans, and get her sugar from juice.

After the cafeteria staff had scooped her sides onto her tray, Natsuki looked down at it and smiled. She'd made the mature decision— one that would be more beneficial in the long run. She felt a sense of pride as she readied her voucher, but it was smashed to bits almost immediately— She looked over at Em, and watched him count out ten quarters to pay for his lunch. Two dollars and fifty cents. That was the cost of a "full lunch." A dollar for the sandwich, and fifty cents for each side and the drink. 

The excitement she'd felt over this rare luxury of a full meal at lunch time… The selection she was so proud of... The fact that this felt like a big deal... It all made her feel so stupid and childish.

As she reached the register and handed her voucher to the staff member who operated it, she noticed Em waiting for her. She felt hot shame, creeping up her face and ears.

_Of course he has to hang around to see this._

After the cashier looked up _something_ on the register's computer relating to the voucher, she said "You're all set," and Natsuki entered the dining area of the cafeteria. 

"Mind if I join you?" Em asked.

_I guess he still wants to sit with me even though I embarrassed him a minute ago..._

"Alright. I'm eating with my friend, though, so don't weird her out with your… _boy-ness_."

"Spoken like a true lesbian," he joked. 

"Um, who said I _only_ like girls? That's a bold assumption," Natsuki shot back. "...And a correct one," she added a few moments later as she spotted Chizuru and started leading the way towards her.

"Hey Chii!" She chirped, putting on a smile as she approached. 

The other girl's fluffy, light-blue hair bounced as she looked up. "Yo Nat! Thought I was gonna be on my own today."

"Sorry," she replied as she sat down, "I fell asleep in class and had to stay after for a yelling-at. This is Em, by the way. He joined the literature club the other day." 

"Hi," the boy said quietly. He seemed to have slid back into his shell a bit, meeting a new person. He had been the same way when Sayroi first brought him to the club meeting on Tuesday, hadn’t he?

"Ooh, is this your boyfriend?" Chizuru asked, pumping her eyebrows and grinning mischievously.

"Ew, no!" Natsuki replied, even though it was clear that Chii was joking. 

Em laughed along. "Well, even if I _was_ into _children_ ," he teased, "I'd be out of luck, since she's already taken." The 'children' comment earned him a sharp jab to the arm. 

The second part reminded her, though— she _was_ taken now, wasn't she? No longer _single_... Natsuki thought about Monika. She'd seemed really disappointed that they didn't get to see each other in the morning. Nats felt bad, but it couldn't really be helped.

"Whaaaaa?!? This is news to me!" Chii's face lit up. "Explain right now!" She demanded excitedly.

Natsuki blushed. Her and Monika had decided on the walk home yesterday that they weren't going to hide their relationship at school, but she'd never actually told her main friend group that she was gay. "W-well it _just_ happened yesterday after school… It's not like I was hiding it from you..."

"Well yeah, okay, but like _, who_ is it?" Chizuru prodded impatiently.

This was it. Natsuki swallowed nervously. She was positive that Chii would be accepting, but some of the others… she wasn't quite sure.

_They're gonna find out eventually anyway, though. No sense in hiding it, right?_

"It's Monika," Natsuki said, looking down at the table as she spoke.

"No way! Really?" Chii's voice remained cheerful and excited. "She's like, _way_ out of your league!"

" _That's_ what you're surprised about? And what the hell?!? Am I that lowly?"

"C'mon, I'm just teasing you. She _is_ a catch though. I know a lot of boys who are gonna hate you now. But yeah, I've had a hunch you were gay since we first met, and everyone else kinda felt it too. Sorry if you thought it was gonna be a _big reveal_." Chizuru laughed. "We actually made a bet last year—me, Alice, Moriko, and Nicole— about whether you were going to come out to us, and how."

"What? Ah, screw you guys! Really?" Natsuki complained while Em watched, amusement written plainly on his face. "Well… who wins the bet then? And what do they get?"

"Let's see… you got a girlfriend, and basically _had_ to say it because we'd find out anyway, right? So Nicole wins— she said you'd be forced to tell us by some kind of circumstance. We each have to treat her to a restaurant. Moriko thought we'd graduate without you ever having told us, and Alice went super specific, for some reason, saying you were gonna ask one of us out."

Natsuki blushed, thinking about the crush she's had on Moriko in the beginning of their first year. Had Alice seen that? 

"What about you?" she prodded. 

"Hey, what's with that accusatory tone?! _? I_ had faith in you. _My_ bet was that you were gonna tell us on your own," complained the blue-haired girl, gesturing dramatically as if she’d been stabbed through the heart.

"Oh…" Natsuki looked away shamefully. "Well jeez, now I look like an asshole."

"Meh, it's fine," said Chii. "We tease you enough to justify those kinds of assumptions."

Natsuki vaguely grumbled in reply and took a bite out of her sandwich. She noticed that Em, who had been pretty quiet, was already half done with his food. 

Chizuru watched her. "So you actually have a lunch for once, huh? Did you finally get your dad to cough up some cash?"

"Mhmm," she lied, not failing to notice the probing glance it earned from Em. Luckily, he didn't make a comment.

"Any chance he can throw some of that money my way for feeding you all the time? Half my lunch a couple times a week really adds up." Chizuru was clearly being facetious, but it still made Natsuki feel guilty. It also looked like Em was starting to put some pieces together and grow concerned. She should have scoped out the stupid lunch line beforehand, so nobody she knew would see her with the free lunch slip.

"You can have some of my tots if you want," she offered weakly. 

"No thanks, dude. I go through all this effort packing a lunch for myself _specifically_ to avoid the school food." The girl's expression softened for a moment. "I don't actually mind sharing, Nat. I'm just kidding."

Natsuki wanted to make some kind of sassy remark or quip to lighten the mood, but she couldn't come up with anything that wouldn't make her seem ungrateful. In the end, she just settled for "Alright. If you say so..."

"So," Chii turned towards Em, "you've been pretty quiet. Tell me about yourself."

Em shifted in his seat and put a finger up as he chewed and swallowed. Once he could speak again, he said, "I don't know— I'm not all that interesting. Just your typical nerd who likes video games and stuff. But, like, not the smart kind of nerd, unfortunately. Studying with me will probably make your scores go down."

"Hmm, well joining a _literature_ _club_ isn't exactly what I'd expect of someone who's _'not the smart kind of nerd.'_ what's the deal there?"

The boy scratched the back of his head. "Well, to be honest, I really only joined because my best friend is the vice president, and she asked me to. I haven't read much recreationally besides manga... oh, but Yuri gave me a novel the other day and I've been enjoying it so far. And I've liked getting to know Natsuki and the others."

"I see. Maybe you'll get into reading more over time. Anyway, who's the vice president again?" Chizuru asked.

"It's Sayori," Natsuki chimed in. "Messy, peach-pink hair, blue eyes…"

"Oh, okay, I had a class with her last year," said the blue-haired girl. "Does she really read all that much? I didn't get that kind of impression..."

"Mmm," Natsuki nodded in agreement. "She's always been pretty deflective when we've asked her at the club." She turned towards Em, hoping to hear what he had to say on the matter.

He grinned in response. "She reads a _lot_ actually. She's just embarrassed to admit it, because most of it's fanfiction."

"What? You mean, like, online smut stories?" Natsuki asked, shocked. She always thought Sayori was so innocent, so imagining her reading graphic, poorly-written sex fantasies combining characters from multiple fandoms was mind-blowing.

"Not really. I mean, she probably doesn't shy away from lewd stuff, but she mostly likes the ones that take existing characters she likes, and tell new stories with them. Especially when they're, like, mushy romance stories."

_There's really fanfiction like that? I've only ever heard of the bizarre pervy stuff..._

Chii rubbed her chin, nodding "What fandoms is she into?"

Natsuki eyed her suspiciously.

_Is she into it too? And she gives me shit about my manga?!?_

"Oh, a _ton_ of stuff. Some otome games, a few tv shows, and like, _every_ young-adult book series ever. Y'know— _Harry Potter, Hunger Games_ — that genre."

"Hmm, I approve," said Chizuru, nodding. "Now I kinda want to hang out with her sometime."

"You should," said the boy with a smile. "She's, like, the nicest person ever."

It was strange— The tone Em had used describing Sayori's love of fanfiction seemed almost gossipy, but the way he'd just said that last part was so full of love... He even admitted to joining the club solely to help her out. It seemed Sayori's childhood friend was a kind, caring person, beneath some kind of antagonistic shell. Maybe he just liked to tease his friends?

The impression she was starting to form of her newest clubmate was… acceptable. Maybe she wouldn't hold it against Sayori after all.

* * *

It was only twenty minutes in, but the club meeting had been a total disaster. Natsuki sat at a desk near the closet of the club room, fuming. She wanted to be mad at Yuri for bringing her little _demon_ of a cousin to the literature club meeting, but she couldn't— the purple-haired girl was clearly uncomfortable around him, and he was being way worse toward her than he was to anyone else. She must not have had a choice in the matter. On top of that, Nats still hadn't been able to apologize to Yuri yet, so she definitely wanted to avoid telling the girl off again. Maybe she'd have an opportunity to apologize during the meeting if she could calm down a bit.. As long as the little brat kept his mouth shut. 

"Psst."

_Fucking— what now?_

She looked over to see Sayori, quietly trying to get her attention, from a couple rows over. 

"What?" She mouthed silently.

Sayori pointed towards the front of the room. Following the gesture, Natsuki saw Monika. Her girlfriend sat at the teacher’s desk, looking pitiful and defeated as she cradled her face in her hands and cried. 

Natsuki felt a pang of guilt. She had been the one to escalate things. She was almost as much to blame as Yuri's little shithead relative for the club meeting turning into this _dumpster fire_ , and she'd hardly done anything but complain at Monika since they'd been reunited.

When she stood up to approach her girlfriend, Natsuki noticed Yuri, several seats in front of her, spilling scalding water on herself as she attempted to make tea while visibly shaking. She must have been in a rough spot— she probably felt responsible for the trouble her cousin had caused, and for the current state of Monika. Not to mention all the deeply personal secrets the boy had revealed about her. 

On the way up to the front desk, she stopped by the purple-haired girl, startling her with a gentle touch to the arm.

"It's alright, Yuri," she whispered. "Nobody blames you or anything. Just forget about the tea for now, alright? Like, try going for a little walk and taking some deep breaths, okay?"

Yuri, looking utterly surprised by Natsuki's words, glanced between the pink-haired girl and the puddle on the desk, before nodding and quietly leaving the room. (She left with her bag, for some reason, which was odd, but there was no time to probe.) With that out of the way, Natsuki swallowed and made her way towards the teacher's station.

She'd never seen Monika look anything but confident and strong. Well, maybe yesterday she'd seen her act nervous and bashful, but even in those moments of insecurity and vulnerability, the brown-haired girl carried with herself a certain powerful presence. Right now though, she looked so small. So _frail._

"Hey…"

Monika flinched at the sound of Natsuki's voice, slowly turning her head towards the sound, then averting her eyes the moment they made contact. Flush painted her tear-streaked cheeks. There weren't dramatic black trails of mascara running from her eyes, the way you might see in movies, but the tears had done a number on her makeup. Taking in the sight, Natsuki decided she ought to find a better place for them to chat, where Monika might not feel as exposed.

"Can we talk?" Natsuki asked. "M-maybe, like, sit in the hallway or something…"

"Mm," Monika nodded, wiping moisture from her eyes as she got up from the chair. Natsuki took her by the hand and led her out of the classroom. Luckily, there weren't many other clubs on this floor, so finding a somewhat private segment of hallway was easy. Natsuki took a seat against the wall next to a heating unit, and patted the ground beside her. Monika slid down the wall, hugging her knees close and hanging her head.

Natsuki chewed on her lip as she worked up the nerve to speak.

"I… uh… I'm really sorry about today. All I did was bitch at you and cause trouble for the club from the moment you showed up. I... shouldn't have let a little kid get to me like that.”

Monika, still maintaining the form of a compact ball beside her, didn’t respond.

_Must not be ready to talk yet…_

Natsuki reached over and softly rubbed circes between her shoulders. After sitting in silence for a while, she spoke up again. “I’m sorry about this morning too. I should’ve messaged you that I was here early or something.”

“N-no, _I’m_ sorry.” Monika revealed her face, previously hidden between her knees to look at Nats with puffy, reddened eyes. “I-I was just being clingy.”

“Monika, wanting to see your girlfriend before class when you go to the same school isn’t clingy. It’s, like, _common sense_. And it’s not like I didn’t wanna see you; I was just… distracted.”

“R-right,” Monika stammered, “w-what was the _‘long story’_ that happened this morning?”

Natsuki considered for a moment. “I guess the story isn’t _that_ long, but It seemed like it would’ve been obnoxious to explain it by text. I, uh… had a fight with my dad last night. It was kind of a bad one, and I wanted to get out of the apartment before he woke up, in case he was still mad. I actually didn’t check my phone to see your good morning text until I was already at school.”

Monika’s emerald eyes filled up with concern as she listened. “Jeez, Nats, w-what were you fighting about that got that bad?”

Natsuki’s blood went cold. She couldn’t exactly say something like ‘we were fighting because he hasn’t bought me any food for weeks, and it’s starting to affect my ability to function’ without major repurcussions…

  
_Fuck, I should have expected this question! Why didn’t I think of something ahead of time?_

“I-I… uh… we were fighting about… f-financial stuff…”

She was almost proud of the lie. She came up with it on the spot, and nothing says "do not pry" like _money issues_ , right? (At least to anyone who wasn't totally deaf to social cues.) Plus, it made vague sense as something a single father and his daughter would argue about...

But Natsuki couldn't _actually_ be proud. It felt _really_ shitty to lie to Monika. She wished she didn't have to, but she was cornered. She couldn’t risk social services being called. Natsuki’s mom wouldn’t be out of prison for another ten years— if she lost her father too, she’d be on her own. She just had to tough it out for two more years until she was old enough to move out and get a job— then she could support herself and live the rest of her life still having _some_ semblance of a family.

Besides, Papa could get better. Any day now, probably, he’d _finally_ hit his rock bottom, and he’d start going to AA meetings again. Then he’d get sober, and he’d be home more often, and he’d make her dinner and buy groceries and never hit her and-

“Natsuki? A-are you okay?” Monika waved a hand in front of her face.

“Oh, s-sorry, I was just…”

“Thinking about the fight with your dad, right? I-it's easy to get lost in your head about an argument when it's with your family, isn't it? Y-you can talk to me if you want. Don't feel pressured, obviously, but… I'll be here for you if you need me."

"Says the crying girl who's stammering worse than Yuri. I think if anyone here needs _'being there for'_ right now, it's _you!_ " Natsuki playfully bonked Monika's head.

"Hey! I finished crying a couple minutes ago, y'know!" Monika sassed with feigned indignation that failed to fully hide her goofy smile. God, she was so fucking cute. Natsuki leaned over, planting a kiss on Monika's cheek.

Immediately, she could tell it was a mistake. The spark of joy she'd been working so hard to kindle vanished from Monika's face. The brown-haired girl avoided eye contact, pulling her knees close to her body once again. This must have been about the kiss in the club room earlier.

"S-sorry." Nats said quietly. "You were all _gung ho_ about kissing me as your 'reward' for going to bed early yesterday, so I… I don't know. I thought you wanted to go fast with that kind of thing. I thought it would be okay."

"Th-that's a big jump." Monika said, still looking away. "Just a kiss on the cheek would've been cute and fun. _That…_ y-your teeth, and your _tongue…_ a-and in front of _everyone._ " she shuddered. "That was my first-ever kiss and it didn't feel good at all. I felt… violated."

So Monika had never kissed anyone before? Natsuki was by no means a master of love, especially living as a closeted lesbian before this week, but she'd played a few games of _spin the bottle_ and _truth or dare_ at her friends' birthday parties, and ended up touching lips with a couple different boys and girls. She had assumed that Monika, popular and beautiful as she was, would have had _at least_ the same experience, plus previous significant others.

"I'm sorry. But… don't you think ' _violated'_ is a bit much? It's not like I reached up your skirt or groped you or anything…"

Saying those words out loud made Natsuki realize how stupid the thought was, but they'd already left her mouth.

_Stupid. I'm just making everything worse._

"I wasn't ready!" Said the brown-haired girl, clearly wounded by the dismissive comment. "I'm telling you how I honestly felt! Boundaries are important!"

Natsuki knew she ought to backtrack and apologize, but the way Monika's voice had raised _ever so slightly_ … she could feel it tugging her toward the toxic, argumentative state of mind that the daily screaming matches with her father had programmed into her. It took all of her effort to keep her mouth shut, and stop herself from doubling down on the position that she knew was wrong… and so she sat, saying nothing as the seconds dragged on into minutes of silence.

Eventually, Monika stood up. "L-let's just go back," she said glumly as she started to walk away...

...and something in Natsuki snapped. The idea of Monika, of all people, believing she felt the opposite of how she truly did… it was unbearable. 

"WAIT!" She shouted, leaping to her feet.

Monika turned around, visibly shocked by the sudden yelling. 

"I know I'm wrong, okay?!? I realized it the second I said that out loud! I've been trying to calm myself down so I can explain that without yelling, but now you're leaving, and just… _FUCK!!!_ " She kicked the heater on the wall behind her, creating a thunderous bang that reverberated through the empty hallway. " _GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!_ " Natsuki drove her foot into the metal housing of the heating unit three more times, accentuating each word, before crouching down and covering her head with her arms. 

"I don't wanna be like this, but I just…" Natsuki trailed off.

She could feel the angry, hot tears streaking down her cheeks. She could feel the toes of her right foot screaming in pain. She could feel the immense shame welling up inside of her.

She'd done it— with this tantrum, Monika had seen the full extent of her anger issues— how quickly she could go from zero to one hundred, how small of a trigger could set it off... There was no way anyone would still want to be with her after witnessing such an outburst. 

Nats' shoulders started to shake as her breathing hitched and heaved. These weren't the graceful, silent tears that Monika had seen on Wednesday after the fight with Yuri. She was straight up ugly-crying, even harder than she had cried in her room after the fight with Papa yesterday. This time, though, she wasn't alone.

_Why am I such a useless crybaby? Breaking down every single day even though I'M THE ONE who keeps attacking and hurting people. She's gonna break up with me and I'm gonna fucking deserve it._

Natsuki suddenly felt a hand rubbing her back, the same way she had done for Monika minutes ago. "I'm sorry," she whimpered in a pitiful, stuffy voice. "Th-this is how I really am. Pretty disappointing, right? You can dump me, b-but please don't kick me out of the club. I really-"

Suddenly the rubbing stopped and a pair of arms squeezed her tightly. "Don't say that! I'm not breaking up with you."

"B-but-"

"The thing with your dad last night…" Monika interrupted, "you two fight a lot, don't you? That's why the literature club is a safe place for you, right? A-and why you get caught up in arguments so quickly? I understand. I want to help you, Nats."

Natsuki melted into a blubbering puddle in her girlfriend's embrace. This sort of comfort and reassurance, especially when she'd just gotten done being a massive bitch… It was so rare. So _overwhelming_.

"W-why?" She asked, noting the disgusting amount of snot she had deposited onto the sleeve of Monika's uniform."Why would _you_ want to be with _me_? Especially after... th-that?" Natsuki was truly baffled as to how anyone would be willing to put up with this level of bullshit.

Monika sighed, sitting down in a more comfortable position without letting go of Natsuki. "Y'know, I think I've had a crush on you since, like, May, b-but I didn't really… _admit it_ to myself until this week. And the moment that happened was when you were laying into Yuri about her poem, trying to get me to side with you."

Natsuki looked up and saw Monika smile as she explained, "Do you think it would have been _that moment_ if I was so put off by yelling? I-I almost gave in and sided with you, even though I'm _supposed_ to stay neutral, and my poem had more in common with Yuri's."

"Really?"

"Mhmm. D-dont take this the wrong way, but I kinda expected this sort of thing. So you don't need to be afraid that it's going to drive me away or anything. I know that underneath that anger you really care about everyone. You're a good person, and your issues don't _define_ you. I'm happy that you're my girlfriend."

Natsuki could feel the heat rushing to her face. She didn't understand how she could deserve this kind of treatment, but she was grateful to receive it. She nestled deeper into the warm embrace, burying her face in Monika's balzer and feeling contented, (but maybe just a little guilty that she was the one being consoled when she'd originally set out to console Monika).

"Monika! Natsuki! Are you two okay? I heard a loud banging noise." Sayori's voice reached her ears, but Natsuki didn't budge to look.

"Uh, y-yeah we're fine. Sorry." Monika responded, sounding quite flustered. She was probably blushing and looking really cute right about now, but Natsuki still couldn't peel herself away. 

"Alright," Sayori responded. "Have you seen Yuri? She still hasn't come back either."

This got Natsuki's attention. Her and Monika had probably been out there talking for a good half hour. What could Yuri have been doing by herself for so long? Had her bullies cornered her or something?

She pulled out of Monika's embrace and sat up straight. "I think she took her bag with her wherever she went. Have you tried calling her?"

"Hmm, let me try." 

Monika helped Natsuki up to her feet while Sayori tapped on her phone a few times and held it up to her ear. 

"Darn, straight to voicemail," said the peach-haired girl. "Well, I'm gonna keep looking for her. Text me if she comes back to the club room."

"We will," Monika replied as the vice president set off down the hall.

"Hey, uhh..." Natsuki said as she tried to hobble along towards the classroom without putting too much weight on her smashed toes, "for our date this weekend, l-let's do something that doesn't involve too much walking."

"Oh yeah, your foot." Monika put an arm around Natsuki to help her along. "Make sure you ice that tonight, okay? You wanna just come over my place for the date? We can, like, make a fire or watch a movie or something, and have dinner."

Natsuki smiled, recalling a memory of roasting hot dogs over a fire pit with one of her middle school friends (before the girl moved to another city) and nodded. "A fire sounds really nice. Oh yeah, before we fought yesterday, I got the okay for either day from my dad. Do you want me to come over on Saturday or Sunday?"

Monika's expression darkened. "Uh… I'm going to my mom's on Sunday, and… I haven't exactly _come out_ to her, so… m-maybe Saturday would be better? My dad already knows, so…"

_She seems really anxious. Her mom must not be the most accepting._

"Alright. Tomorrow it is."

Natsuki was grateful that Monika didn't seem mad anymore. In fact, comforting Natsuki seemed to have put the brown-haired girl in a better mood than she'd been at the start of the meeting. She stopped walking, prompting Monika to turn towards her curiously, and latched onto her tightly.

"I'm really sorry about earlier. C-can I give you a kiss without making you upset?" It was so embarrassing to say out loud, but it also felt so exciting.

"Alright, just… n-not on the mouth."

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if you don't like OCs- I know most people read fanfic of DDLC to see interactions between the girls, but in a lot of cases the world just feels so empty to me when it's only the 4 dokis (and maybe the mc, depending on the fic). I'm not confident that I could I'm especially trying to focus on families, since home life is one of the biggest things that shapes someone's character/personality, and it bothers me how parents are never around in slice of live anime/VNs about students. Here I also tried to include a glimpse into the friend group that Natsuki is so afraid to share her passion for manga with, and a concerned teacher who might be on to something
> 
> I hope the part about Natsuki picking out her lunch wasn't too much- i thought having her think really hard about what she wanted for the free meal would make sense, given her circumstances, the same way she goes through a little investigation of deductive reasoning to determine the level of danger every time she comes home.
> 
> And I know the time jump is a little odd, but if I retold the part of the meeting where Monika, Yuri, and her cousin show up, it would have pushed this already long-ish chapter even further.
> 
> Thanks for reading! I'm gonna try to keep the gap between chapters at 2-3 weeks, but i might fall behind.


	8. Drained (Yuri)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuri returns from the walk that Natsuki recommended she take, and gets a chance to process some of her feelings about the disaster of a club meeting.

Yuri felt woozy and unsteady as she made her way down the hallway. Her head was throbbing and her period cramps, which had subsided in the morning, were back with a vengeance. She disliked her body, and this monthly cycle was one of its worst aspects— all of the negative attention and assumptions that her form drew her way, and then, to make things worse, there was this awful ritual of discomfort and pain, plaguing her a few days each month. This frustration with her body was probably part of the reason she had so few reservations about marring its flesh with scars.

Before yesterday, Yuri had managed to keep her self-harm confined to home for almost six months. She'd rarely made it more than a week or two without any cutting whatsoever, but now she'd just caved  _ at school _ for the second day in a row. Unlike yesterday, though, she'd come prepared this time, with her first-aid kit in her school bag. It was a good thing too, because she'd gotten carried away and cut deeper than she intended to. If she didn't have the butterfly stitches and bandages, the evidence of her behavior surely would have seeped all the way through her uniform and given her away.

Still, despite this small positive, it seemed like a confluence of factors were working against her current mission to make it back to the club room. She'd skipped lunch that day, after overhearing that a certain bully was planning to come after her in the cafeteria. Then, after missing a meal, she also missed the chance to buy a drink or a snack from the vending machines, rushing off to her cousin's elementary school as soon as the bell rang. 

Hoping to minimize her tardiness for the club meeting, Yuri had made haste in both directions while retrieving him, and although it wasn't particularly hot, the direct sunlight was still quite draining for someone so hungry and dehydrated.

Finally, after the club meeting had immediately gone downhill, she'd run off to the bathroom to indulge her disgusting habit, like the revolting, pathetic excuse for a person that she was. (She'd tried to  _ just _ go for a walk around the school, like Natsuki suggested, but in the end, she couldn't resist.) And so, her accidental, extra-deep cut, along with the efforts of her uterus, had rid her of enough blood to contribute to this weakened, anemic state.

Halfway up the stairs to the third floor, and desperately in need of a break, Yuri lowered herself to the floor. But, she did so  _ a little _ too quickly, and the sudden change in blood pressure made her head feel like it was going to explode. She closed her eyes, trying to catch her breath as she sat in the corner of the landing, and prayed that nobody would come through this stairwell while she was recovering there. It was then that she heard the door from the third-floor hallway open.

_ Shit _

"Yuri?!? Are you okay?" Came a voice from above.

She opened her eyes to see a blurry image of Sayori, bumbling down the stairs toward her. 

"You look really pale, Yuri. What happened?"

"Uh, I… n-nothing really. I got dizzy coming up the stairs. I-I think I'm just… dehydrated." Yuri found it even more difficult than usual to speak clearly. It was like her head was full of radio static, making it harder to make out her own thoughts and translate them to speech.

"Would it help if I got you something from the vending machine?" Sayori asked, kneeling down and putting a hand against Yuri's forehead, then her own.

It took a few moments for Yuri, flustered by the close physical contact, to respond. "Th-that would be nice, if you don't mind. H-here…"

She fished her wallet out of her school bag and handed it to Sayori.

"Anything specific you want?" Asked the blue-eyed girl, smiling gently.

"S-some kind of juice or sports drink, please. I missed lunch today, so I think something sugary will help," Yuri explained. "A-and maybe a snack, too, if you don't mind… I should have enough cash there for you, too, so please pick something for yourself."

"Ah, that's alright." Sayori waved her hand as if physically slapping away the notion. "I still have some money left over from yesterday, so I'll be able to buy my own snacks for a while! Thanks, though!"

With that, a peach-pink blur disappeared around the corner, and echoey footsteps, bouncing and slapping against the walls, faded gradually, until the sound of a distant door closing reached Yuri's ears.

Sayori was so nice. So thoughtful and so beautiful and so  _ soothing _ to be around. She always seemed to know how to act— when to be cheerful, when to be gentle, when to be adorably mischievous in the endearing way that she was… and here she was, being helpful again.

Yuri sighed as she closed her eyes once more. The whole reason she'd promised Sayori that she would come today was to talk with Monika and Natsuki. So far she'd failed to do that, and club time was almost over. She'd also left Shota in the club room for half an hour. He wasn't completely unattended, but still… Hopefully he wouldn't tell Auntie. 

_ Maybe I should bribe him with takeout? _

Yuri didn't much feel like bribing him though. Part of her wanted to toss him out the window after everything he'd said to her friends. 

Was it okay to call them  _ friends _ ? Sayori had spent time with her after school, so she was probably safe to use that word with, at least. Had she held any significant conversation with the others? She'd talked for a few minutes about  _ A Portrait of Markov _ with Em when she gave him a copy… that was probably more than she'd ever conversed with Monika, wasn't it? 

Looking back, she hadn't actually talked much with Natsuki or Monika, but she'd watched and listened the whole time she'd been in the club. It really did feel like she knew them, to some extent. But if that were true, wouldn't she have seen it coming that they would get together as a couple? She'd been quite surprised to learn about what happened while she and Sayori were away the previous day.

They  _ were _ a cute couple though. Yuri imagined going on a double date with them and Sayori— walking through forested trails and sharing a picnic in the shade. They'd sit and walk together, and Sayori would sneakily kiss her cheek when the other two weren't looking...

It was a stupid fantasy though. Monika and Natsuki probably only tolerated her presence, if they didn't outright hate her below the surface. She'd ruined their first poetry exchange on Wednesday, and then ruined another meeting today by bringing Shota along. 

And even if Sayori was bisexual, like Monika had speculated with Em, the chances that she'd fall for someone as  _ reclusive _ and  _ insecure _ and  _ inept _ as Yuri were—

This aimless, meandering train of thought was interrupted by a hand waving in front of her face. "Yuri?"

"Oh, h-hi, Sayori. Y-you're back already?"

"Yeah…" Sayori said with a frown. "I took a long time deciding, too. You were spaced out pretty hard there."

"S-sorry…" Yuri replied, ashamed. 

_ She was already spending time helping you, and you have her more reason to worry. Awful. _

She watched as Sayori sat down beside her on the landing, and accepted the bottle of fruit punch-flavored powerade and the packet of pretzels, handed to her along with her wallet.

"So…" Sayori started quietly, tearing open her bag of miniature cookies, "it seems like your cousin is pretty mean to you. Is he like that at home, too?"

"Uh… I'm usually able to stay out of his way enough that he doesn't talk to me. I think he's maybe just… upset that he was dragged along today. P-please don't blame him for disliking me, though— I basically ruined his life."

The younger girl scrunched up her face. "What do you mean by that?"

"W-well… he was five when my mom... died. M-meaning he was old enough to have some sense of what normalcy was, but n-not old enough to be very rational or...  _ empathetic _ ." Yuri explained. "Even if my aunt had had another child the  _ normal _ way, it would've been hard for him to adjust, at that age. Getting me… suddenly all the attention, care, space,  _ money— _ it's all cut in half in the same way, b-but with none of the redeeming factors. He didn't get to be a big brother, or a mentor. He didn't get s-someone who would grow into a playmate. He got a grieving, depressed teenage girl who could barely function, n-nevermind play with him or talk to him. He even had to give up half his room, since our apartment only has two bedrooms..." 

Sayori nodded, frowning as she processed this explanation.

"E-even now, nine years old isn't exactly the age of  _ logical thinking _ ," Yuri added, "and I've never gone out of my way to try and win him over, so I don't blame him for resenting me. I-I think some day, when he's older, he's gonna look back and f-feel guilty about it, and if I make a big deal about it now, i-it'll only be worse for him then, so…"

The shorter girl looked down and shook her head. "I don't know. I see where you're coming from, but… it doesn't seem right that you should have to put up with so much. Some of the things he said about you were so  _ nasty _ . And telling everyone about your mother, and about your sexuality before you were ready…"

Yuri felt a stinging in her eyes at that reminder. Having everyone in the club find out hurt a little, but not nearly as much as learning that her mom hadn't kept it a secret. That Auntie had known all along and never said anything. She felt her lip quiver, and suddenly Yuri found herself pressed firmly into Sayori's shoulder, with two arms wrapped around her.

Within seconds, tears were welling up from deep within her, as Yuri wept into Sayori's uniform. She herself hadn't realized that this was inside, waiting to be released, but somehow Sayori had known. Was it really okay to use her like this? Sayori had her own problems to worry about...

"There it is… Let it out," Sayori gently cooed. "That was hard for you, wasn't it? I'm sorry I pressured you to come today."

"I-it's n-not your f-fault," Yuri struggled to say as the tears continued. "And i-it's not f-fair how much you've had to c-comfort me when I s-said I'd be there for you t-too."

Yuri knew from yesterday that Sayori was dealing with some kind of depression, likely worse than what she herself had, but so far she'd failed, at every turn, to be of  _ any kind _ of service. 

She heard Sayori sigh, and felt a hand pat her back. "It's alright. I guess… i-if you really want to hear about it, why don't you come over this weekend?"

"O-okay." Yuri was eventually able to stammer out, after separating herself from the hug. "I-I have a shift tomorrow night, b-but I'm free before five, o-or on Sunday."

"We can work out the details by text later, alright? Let's finish our snacks and then head back to the clubroom. We still have to talk about the festival, and I think Natsuki and Monika still want to talk to you about the other day."

Yuri nodded and downed a sip of her sports drink, still sniffling.

_ Right. I can still make good on that promise. Then today won't be a complete failure. _

"Here," Sayori said, pulling out a tissue packet and using one to gently wipe the wetness from Yuri's face. The moisture was replaced by heat as blush overtook her features. Yuri hoped her current anemia would make the redness less prominent to an outside viewer, but she had her doubts. Would Sayori's uncanny ability to non-verbally understand peoples' feelings reveal  _ Yuri's  _ feelings for _ her _ ?

_ Oh God, she probably already knows… and she's just not saying anything because she doesn't want anything to do with me in that way... _

Yuri stuffed her face with pretzels, trying to use the intense crunching sensation as a distraction from this sudden burst of anxiety. Eventually she had finished the small bag, and most of her drink, and Sayori was long done with her cookies.

The vice-president hopped to her feet and offered her hand. "Take it slow, alright? So you don't get too dizzy again," she said with a smile.

As Yuri gradually stood upright, the throbbing in her head returned, but it was not nearly as bad as before. Sayori's hand clasping her own was kind of a distraction from the aching anyway. Her heart fell, just a little bit, when it released.

"So, why'd you have to skip lunch today?" Sayori asked as they walked down the hall. 

Yuri felt her chest tighten for a moment. She tried to think of a lie, or some kind of non-answer, but quickly gave up. 

_ She already knows. Stop trying to hide it. _

"Um… I found out that o-one of my bullies was upset with me, and p-planning to do something to me at lunch, so I went to the library instead," she explained, blushing. Bullies seemed like such a juvenile problem to have, and Yuri was deeply embarrassed whenever it came up.

"Ah, jeez…" Sayori said, rubbing the back of her head. "I think I might know why she was mad at you. You should talk to Natsuki."

"N-Natsuki?" Yuri asked, confused. What did Natsuki have to do with Katrina? They weren't even in the same year.

Sayori scratched her head.

"Y-yeah, at first I thought Em was messing with me, or that he was just being gullible about some made-up story, but I had a class with Natsuki this morning, and she confirmed it. You should probably hear the full story from her, but she saw you getting picked on at lunch yesterday, and… took things into her own hands."

Natsuki had stood up for her? But didn't Natsuki hate her? Maybe Yuri had the wrong impression of how the pink-haired girl really viewed her. The way she'd acted when Yuri had spilled the tea water didn't seem very hateful, after all. But what about everything she'd said on Wednesday? 

"A-alright, I'll ask her…" Yuri said. She wondered how much worse things would get with Katrina now, but it was hard not to feel giddy at the thought of her bully facing some kind of retribution. If Natsuki had been as harsh with her as she had with Yuri on Wednesday, it must have been a wonderful sight to behold.

Soon they arrived at the club room, where Em, Monika, and Natsuki sat together, chatting near the closet in the back corner. Shota was working on homework on the opposite side of the room. Yuri noticed  _ A Portrait of Markov  _ resting on the desk where Em had sat earlier, and smiled seeing that his bookmark was nearly halfway through. He must have been enjoying it if he'd already gotten that far since Wednesday, and she was grateful that her recommendation was appreciated.

After a few moments, Monika noticed the pair had returned, and clapped her hands together. "Okay everyone, all the club members are here again. We're about to run over time, but let's talk about the festival real quick. I originally planned to have a poetry recital, but we never got a chance to prepare for that because of, uh…  _ reasons _ . I think it's too late to put together any kind of event like that, but I thought we could try to come up with something little to promote our club. Any ideas besides just handing out boring old fliers?"

"Goodie bags!" Sayori shouted. "What if we folded up notes about the literature club and put them in little baggies with candy?!?"

"Hmmm, I kinda feel like everyone would just eat the candy and throw the bag away with the note still inside." Em countered. "Is there any way we could have 'Literature club' written on the bag in a way that looks nice? Like, custom-printed baggies or something?"

"Custom printing is out of the question this late in the game," Monika stated flatly. "I see what you mean though- it would look really crappy to just write 'Literature club' with marker on a Ziploc. And I loved those custom-printed pencils the Math club gave out at last year's festival- they made a great impression."

"What if I made cupcakes, and used P'at to write it in frosting?" Natsuki suggested.

P'at was the name of their country's (sadly mostly-dead) native language, which had an ideographic writing system. It would allow 'literature club' to be written in just two or three characters, so it could fit on a cupcake.

"Nobody our age can read much P'at, though," Em complained. "We'd need to have a translation somewhere."

"We could hand them out on paper plates that have all the club info written on them," offered Sayori. 

"That's perfect!" said Monika. "They'll still get thrown away, but it'll be impossible to just flat-out ignore, like if they were just little notes folded up in bags.

Yuri, in her current state, had trouble enough keeping up with the conversation, never mind contributing, so she was grateful that a consensus was quickly reached.

"Looks like our stay-in date is mostly gonna be spent making cupcakes then," Natsuki commented towards Monika with a smile. 

"I don't mind that," replied the brown-haired girl. "If we start early, we should still have time for the fire."

Em cleared his throat and spoke up. "A-as long as someone tells me what to write, I can handle the plates, I guess," he offered. "My handwriting is pretty neat when I'm being careful."

Monika gave thumbs up.

"Is there anything for Yuri and me to do, then?" Sayori asked. "We were planning to meet up this weekend anyway, so we can work on something while we're together."

"Hmmm," Monika hummed as she thought. "Well, we're gonna be sitting at a fold-out table to hand this stuff out, and it'll be ugly and boring if we don't decorate it somehow. Could you two come up with some way to make it look nice and professional? I'll text you the dimensions later."

Yuri nodded as she considered her options. She'd feared she would be useless to help with the preparations, but the job she'd been assigned seemed like one she was well-suited for. If she could make their booth memorable and pleasing to the senses, it would certainly help shape others' impressions of their club.

Not only that, but she and Sayori would get to work together.

"Alright, it looks like we're out of time, so we'll hold off on sharing poems until after the festival," Monika announced. "I'll check in this weekend, in case anybody needs an extra hand."

After Sayori gave her a goodbye hug that left her flustered, Yuri went to her desk, to make sure she hadn't left anything. Apparently someone had put away the tea set and kettle, and wiped up the puddle she'd made. Then she felt a tap on her shoulder. Turning around, she saw Monika and Natsuki standing together.

"Hi Yuri, do you have a few minutes to talk? I don't want to make you late for anything…" Monika clasped her hands together as she spoke. 

"Uh, n-no, I already had to call out from work to watch Shota, s-so you're not holding me back from any plans."

"Oh, I didn't know you had a job, that's pretty cool!" Monika remarked. "Uh, you wanna… maybe move over to the corner so we can speak privately?" The green-eyed president shot a glance at Yuri's cousin on the far end of the room. 

"S-sure…" Yuri replied, following the pair over near the closet.

"So," Monika started, speaking quietly enough to keep their conversation private, "I wanna say sorry for what happened on Wednesday. It's my job as the president to step in before things get...  _ anywhere near _ that level, a-and I failed. I also gave you the impression that the two of us were ganging up, and like,  _ siding against _ you, which definitely wasn't my intention. I really value you as a club member, Yuri, and I'll do my best to make sure you don't regret coming back."

"I… uh… th-thanks."

Yuri wasn't sure how to respond. She'd never actually told Sayori, or anyone else, that she was definitely going to stay, but somehow she'd forgotten that she had been considering quitting. Perhaps the embarrassment about the scene her cousin had made overshadowed her anxiety toward Monika and Natsuki. Perhaps giving up her chance to spend time around Sayori was never truly an option at all.

"Nats has something to say too," said Monika, turning toward her girlfriend. 

Natsuki stood behind her, staring at the ground with her arms crossed. Taking a step closer, she looked up to meet Yuri's eyes for just a moment, then looked away. "I'm sorry about the other day. I didn't actually mean what I said about you. I was really mad, and I just… picked something I knew you'd be insecure about, and used it to try and hurt you. I promise it's not personal— I just… have… anger problems. I lash out a lot. "

Yuri stared back for a moment. Her pink-haired underclassman wore a scowl after so deeply swallowing her pride, but the explanation made a lot of sense. For now, she chose to try and let herself believe it was genuine— that Natsuki didn't secretly hate her.

"I-I… th-thank you. I'm sorry as well. I know I can be…  _ condescending _ at times, a-and I said a lot of things to m-make you upset that day. I'm not blameless in w-what happened."

It was in serious conversations like this that Yuri resented her stuttering the most. It was a side effect of her social anxiety, and she hoped that it, coupled with her general lack of social skills, wouldn't make her apology seem disingenuous. She at least remembered to make eye contact this time.

"Apology accepted," Natsuki muttered.

_ Thank God. _

Yuri wrung her hands .

"Also, S-Sayori mentioned you might know something about why Katrina— er, m-my bully is upset with me…"

"Ugh, is that the green-haired bitch? Is she trying to mess with you still?" Natsuki asked.

"Uh… y-yes?"

"God dammit,"Natsuki's scowl deepened. "She must be stupid if she didn't get the message to leave you alone."

Yuri looked at her curiously. "W-what did you do, exactly?"

The younger girl huffed.

"I took the sandwich she threw on the ground and smeared it all over her. I'm pretty sure I managed to get  _ everything _ — shirt, vest, blazer,  _ and _ skirt."

Yuri stared, slack-jawed for a moment, then tried to suppress a smile as the mental image of the bully being covered in mayonnaise and shredded lettuce crossed her mind. "W-why… why would you go that far for me?"

"Because she fucking deserved it!" Natsuki exclaimed. "Look— I know you get bullied a lot, and seeing  _ that _ , the day after I said all those horrible things to you… it made me feel like I was just as bad. I wanted to, like,  _ make up for it _ , I guess. I've… I've wanted to be friends with you for a while, y'know." She blushed with that last line. 

Yuri blushed in response. Was that true? Had she really been  _ that _ off with her impression of how the pink-haired girl perceived her? All this time she'd spent wallowing in loneliness, feeling like an outsider at the club meetings, and she could have had a friend...

_ If you weren’t so stupid and inept, you would have seen it, and been able to connect with her. _

Natsuki cleared her throat.

"Alright, if she's still after you, then me and my friends are gonna help. I'll feel bad if it gets worse for you because of what I did. Here..." Natsuki held her smartphone up, snapping a photo of Yuri before she realized what was happening. Monika raised her eyebrows at this. 

"This is so my friends know what you look like," Natsuki explained. "Between the five of us,  _ someone's  _ bound to have the same lunch shift as you every day. If we make sure you're not alone, it'll be harder for her to target you."

"You can sit with me, too," Monika offered. "Do they bother you in the mornings too, or any other times besides lunch?"

Yuri wordlessly stammered for a few moments. This plan was very sudden, and very overwhelming. Did Natsuki say she'd have to sit with  _ strangers?  _ Katrina had a lot of clout among the third-years— would Natsuki and her friends really be okay if they persistently got in her way? And Monika was often sitting in a large group at lunch— there was no way Yuri could handle that.

"Yuri?" Monika asked. Her brow was furrowed and her lips formed a frown. Had she spaced out for too long?

Yuri felt a hot wash of shame come over her face. "S-sorry. I-I don't know about this. I'm n-not good with people I don't know, and I don't want to cause any trouble for them, and... Please just f-forget about it."

"What?!?" Natsuki exclaimed. "But we can't just  _ let her  _ keep messing with you!"

"I-it's not  _ that _ often that she does anything," Yuri countered. "Usually only once every couple weeks."

"But it's gonna get worse because of me!" Natsuki huffed angrily. "Sayori said they wrote insults all over your shoe cubby after what happened at lunch yesterday, so that's  _ two things _ in one day! Way more often than you’re saying! And if you knew that she's upset with you, that means she tried something again today, right?"

Yuri avoided eye contact. "I'll just start b-binging a lunch and eating it in the stairwell or something. It's no big deal."

"Aw c'mon! You can't just  _ run away _ like th—"

"Natsuki, let's not force too much on her." Monika interrupted her girlfriend, placing a hand on her shoulder. "It's her choice. What good is it if we  _ bully  _ her into accepting our solution to her  _ bullying _ problem?"

Yuri was both grateful for and humiliated by this comment. She wanted to crawl into a crack in the wall and disappear, like a cockroach.

"Ugh,  _ fine _ ," grumped the pink-haired girl. "At least let  _ me _ sit with you on days when we have the same shift, alright? Gimme your phone number so we can text about which lunches we have."

"O-okay…" Yuri reached into her bag, fishing out her cell phone and flipping it open, only to find that it was out of battery. (It only needed to be charged once every several days, and since it wasn't a frequent part of her routine, it was easy to forget.) "M-my battery's dead, actually, so I'll just write my number down for— uh… w-what?"

She looked up to see the other two girls gawking at her. Natsuki spoke first. 

"Is that a burner phone? What are you, a  _ drug dealer _ ?"

"That's certainly a relic," Monika commented.

Yuri self-consciously glanced at the scratched-up logo of the prepaid phone company, printed on the outer shell of her handset. "I've kept it for… s-sentimental reasons."

_ I suppose they already know, thanks to Shota, so... _

She sighed and began to explain. "We… we couldn't afford a regular phone plan when it was just my mother and me. Th-these worked out for us, since we didn't really burn up many minutes. Auntie offered to get me something n-newer, but… I just can't bring myself to get rid of it. We had m-matching models and everything, and it feels like letting it go would… I don't know. S-so I just keep refilling it whenever I run out."

Monika bowed her head.

"Sorry for commenting about it. I didn't realize… it was like that."

"Y-yeah, same." Natsuki added, looking pale.

Yuri did her best to reassure them.

"D-don't worry about it." 

She was surprised by a hot tear that escaped, making a dash for her chin. She quickly swiped it away, hoping the other two hadn't noticed.

Straightening her posture, Monika cleared her throat. "A-anyway, I can send you her number, Nats. She texted me this morning to ask if it was okay to bring her cousin, so I have it."

"So  _ you  _ had some warning at least," Natsuki commented. "What's the deal with him?" She whispered to Yuri.

In a hushed tone, Yuri detailed the situation, as she had with Sayori earlier— how she was thrust into his life when he was too young to be expected to accept such a thing.

When the explanation was finished, Natsuki smacked her palm against her forehead.

"God, are you, like,  _ physically incapable _ of standing up for yourself? What happened to all that fire you had when you were defending your writing?"

Yuri kept her mouth shut, unsure of how to respond.

"Ugh. Sorry. I'm not trying to, like,  _ yell at you _ or anything." Natsuki shifted where she stood. "It seems like you've been having a pretty shitty day. You already looked like you were at your wit's end when you showed up here, before the kid started  _ berating _ you and everything. Are you, like… doing okay?"

Yuri had to look up to confirm that it was still Natsuki in front of her, and indeed it was. The pink-haired girl and Monika were both staring at her. 

Yuri shrunk in on herself. She knew they would see through a lie, but she didn't want to tell them how awful she felt deep down— Bad enough to have broken down in Sayori's arms. Bad enough to have mutilated her skin in a bathroom stall.

She tried to speak, but no words came to mind, and so she just stood quietly. And suddenly, she was sandwiched between her two club mates. The hug lasted a couple seconds and ended without a word, but it did well in comforting Yuri. It didn't induce the same tingly sensation as Sayori's hugs, but the feeling of this reassuring gesture was nice too. 

"I'll send you Natsuki's number," Monika said. "If you need someone to talk to, you can reach out to one or  _ both  _ of us, alright?"

Yuri nodded.

"Alright, well, I think we're gonna head out. Good luck this weekend," said the president. Natsuki nodded in agreement and waved goodbye.

As the couple disappeared through the classroom door, Yuri took a deep breath. Her headache was still pounding, but it was more manageable now. She turned toward her cousin, who was finishing packing up his bag. "What kind of f-food do you feel like, Shota?"

"Do we have stuff to make anything good?" asked the boy.

Yuri was too frazzled to remember what kinds of ingredients they had at home. "I th-think I'm too tired to make anything complicated. W-would you rather pick up takeout on the way home, or have something like m-mac n' cheese or Hamburger Helper?"

"If we can get takeout, I want pizza!" He replied.

Yuri nodded. Stopping by the shop would give her a chance to thank John for covering her shift on such short notice, so it worked out nicely.

_ If only Shota could have been this neutral when everyone else was around… _

"A-alright, let's head out," she said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey I managed to write a chapter without one of the horizontal-line time-skips for once!
> 
> Thanks for sticking with me as I work on this story. 
> 
> I have a little tidbit about how I write Yuri's POV in this fic, which I'd like to share if you don't mind.
> 
> If you're extra observant, (or read through my replies to comments on previous chapters) you may have noticed some differences in the writing in Yuri's chapters. Where other, more perceptive characters may have colorful descriptions of what the people around them do or say, reading into the emotions and intentions behind the actions or words, Yuri's chapters have very objective descriptions. There may be descriptions of the basic shapes of facial expressions (smiles or frowns, etc.) or the sonic qualities of someone's voice, but no granular analysis.
> 
> For example, in Sayori's POV, we have lines like this:  
> 'He looked so anxious and scared. His eyes were raw and watery and pleading as he cautiously approached and sat down beside her.'  
> While Yuri has lines like this:  
> '"Would it help if I got you something from the vending machine?" Sayori asked, kneeling down and putting a hand against Yuri's forehead, then her own.'
> 
> It's representative of Yuri's struggle to make sense of emotions and communicate with people, and how all of that feels very alien and mysterious to her.
> 
> The stream-of-consciousness parts (where it's all in italics and in present tense) are also in second-person for Yuri sometimes, particularly when she's having bad thoughts. I thought this would be a nifty little hint at how a lot of her negative self talk is internalized from her experiences with bullying.
> 
> There's my tidbit. I'm very much still an amateur writer, and maybe talking about this seems pretentious or cringe-y to those above my level, but I'm trying not to let that anxiety stop me from sharing, even if I look like an idiot. For me, writing is still new and fun and an adventure, and I'm trying to let myself get caught up in the enthusiasm instead of ruining it with my own cynical bullshit.
> 
> I really hope you're all still enjoying it.
> 
> -Randstrom


	9. Guilt (Em)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Em walks home with his childhood friend Sayori, and is added to a group text with four fifths of the literature club

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The MC chapters aren't going to be as frequent, and they're a bit shorter, but it felt wrong to leaving Em and his gayness purely as a plot device for the FF ships. He needs a voice. I've noticed icky vibes about MM stuff in this fandom on one or two occasions, (not on this site in particular, but still) and just- fuck that.

Glancing over his shoulder as he followed Sayori out of the classroom, Em saw Monika and Natsuki approaching Yuri. They must have been taking the chance to apologize to her, like they'd mentioned the day before. 

"Y'know," he said, catching up to his best friend in the hallway, "I just realized something. Since you said you're bi, and we found out today that Yrui's gay, it means there's not one straight person out of the five of us in that club. What are the odds of that?"

"Wow, I guess that's right," she replied. "I think queer people tend to find each other, though. Even subconsciously. Like gravity, or… maybe magnets!"

He laughed. "Is that a real-life thing, or is it just something used to justify the improbable gay scenarios in all the otome fanfics you read?"

Sayori giggled, blushing slightly. "I don't actually know…"

"Oh yeah, that reminds me. At lunch I was telling Natsuki and her friend about your fanfic obsession, and—"

"You _what_ ?!?" Sayori suddenly spun towards him, a much deeper shade of red than before. "Em, you _know_ I'm embarrassed for people to find out about that! What the heck?!?"

The boy looked away. He hadn't expected to upset her this much. "Well… she was saying that she didn't get the impression that you did much reading. I-I'd mentioned joining the literature club at your request, and that you were the vice president— that's how it came up. I… I guess I didn't want her to, like, think you were stupid, or that you didn't deserve your position, so I was saying how you spend all your free time reading. I told her about the books you like too."

The peach-haired girl squinted at him, pouting, and the pair started walking again.

"I'm sorry, alright? _Anyway,_ the point I was getting to is that she seemed into it. She wants to hang out with you sometime."

"Oh, really?" Sayori eyed him, wearing a dubious expression. "What was her name?"

"It was… uh… shit. Chiho? No, that's not right. Uh… she had fluffy blue hair, if that helps. I was kinda nervous to be meeting a new person so I, like, blacked out the part where we got introduced, or something…"

Sayori shook her head. "Chizuru," she stated flatly. 

"Yeah, that's right!" he replied enthusiastically. "You should have Natsuki introduce you sometime. She seemed nice."

"Nice enough to imply that I'm too stupid to help run a literature club?" Sayori shot back, before letting out a long sigh. Under her breath, she muttered, "she's probably right."

Where was this coming from? 

"Hey, c'mon, you're not _that_ stupid" he teased. "Sure, you bombed that last math test and fell in love with a gay guy, but you've also done plenty of smart things."

Silence.

Em cursed himself internally. He'd decided the other day that he was going to stop picking on Sayori so often, but here he was, making super-harsh jokes at her expense. It seemed to have genuinely hurt her, too, based on her body language.

"S-sorry. That was uncalled for."

"It's okay," Sayori dismissed. "You've been making fun of me for eleven years. I'm used to it by now."

_She didn't look 'okay' a second ago…_

Brushing the thought aside, he backpedaled.

"Well anyway… I don't think she meant it that way. Like, I think she's into fandoms too, and wanted to talk about that kind of stuff."

"Alright, if you say so," Sayori replied. "Speaking of new friends, Yuri seemed pretty interested in getting to know you when we were talking yesterday."

"Yeah? That's good. She seems really introverted, so I bet once she gets comfortable enough to not be a nervous wreck around you, hanging out with her would be super chill."

"Exactly!" The peach-haired girl smiled. "There were a few minutes where she settled down yesterday, and we just kinda sat together watching the river, and it was _so calming._ "

"And if we get another introverted friend, you won't have to get _all_ your energy by sucking it out of me," Em quipped as they reached the shoe changing area by the main entrance.

"Hey, don't act like I'm some kind of vampire!" She pouted once more as she took her shoes out of her cubby and changed into them. "Besides, unlike _somebody_ involved in this conversation, I have other friends."

On rare occasions like this, Sayori would shoot back and hit him in a soft spot. He didn't make a fuss about it though, knowing all the hits he took were well-deserved.

"Yeah, maybe you can leach off them while we're at school, but on the weekends you always suck me dry."

After a moment, Em realized how that last part might sound out of context, nervously glancing around the area as they exited the building.

_Hopefully nobody heard that…_

Sayori, as expected, seemed oblivious to the implications of this poor choice in phrasing. Her parents were both fairly science-y people, who took a super open and _clinical_ approach to discussing sexuality with their kids. The resulting lack of a "naughty" or "taboo" factor (combined with Sayori's somewhat-airheaded personality) meant most sexual innuendo and humor failed to land with her.

As the pair turned out of the school's main gate and onto the sidewalk, Em cleared his throat. "So are you looking forward to working with Yuri this weekend? Maybe you can take advantage of the alone time to get close with the shy, hot lesbian, _hmm?_ "

Sayori seemed to deflate a little bit.

"Em… I'm not ready to even think about that kind of thing. I kept it quiet, but I had that crush on you for _four years._ To be honest, I never really expected it to happen, but… it still hurt a lot."

_Idiot. I shouldn't have brought this up._

"S-sorry. I… should’ve... thought that through."

"A-anyway," said the girl, "Why don't you come over to work on the plates while Yuri is at my house? It might make your job less boring."

"I guess I'd be up for that. I'll feel bad if it ever turns out that Yuri has a crush on you after all, though— stealing her chance to be alone with you."

Sayori laughed. "Yeah right, there's no way someone as pretty as Yuri would have a—"

Sayori suddenly cut herself off, furiously blushing.

"What?" Em asked, amused. "Did you just realize something?"

"W-well actually… yesterday she said she thinks I'm attractive…"

_Wow, really?_

Em was impressed with the boldness— admitting _that_ to someone the first time you’ve hung out with them must take guts. But then, the more he thought about his interactions with Yuri, the less likely that seemed. It was probably an accidental slip, followed by flustered stammering and frantic apologies.

"Well…" Sayori continued, "even if she's attracted to my body, there's no way she'd like _me_ in that way, so I don't think we have to worry."

Em felt a sinking in his stomach. Sayori had always used self-deprecating humor, but it never felt like she actually believed what she was saying. The past couple days, though, she'd seemed different. These weren't even jokes, really, and the _way_ she said them was… _worrisome._

"Hey, that's enough of that. You're a good catch, Sayori.” His face grew hot as he spoke. “Once you've had time to process your feelings, and you're ready to date, you're gonna make somebody really lucky."

She didn't respond, but she stared at him, shocked. The sinking feeling deepened— was he so _rarely_ supportive and complimentary that she hadn't even considered it as a possibility? Was he such an asshole that kind words had caught her totally off guard?

When he’d first found out about her crush, he’d almost wished he were straight, for her sake. That he could accept her feelings and do his best to make her happy, but now he felt that he’d been giving himself too much credit. He didn't deserve her friendship, nevermind the romantic feelings he couldn’t return. 

Feeling heavy with guilt, Em didn't say much as their walk continued. Then he felt a buzz from his phone, and another. Taking the device out, he saw Sayori do the same. There was a group text from Monika, which included him, Sayori, and Natsuki. 

Monika: [Hey guys, it seems like Yuri is being targeted by a bully during lunch, and maybe in the morning too]

Monika: [A certain somebody who may or may not be dating me might have poured gas on the fire]

Texts started to come in as he read.

Natsuki: [Fuk off, she totally deserved it.]

Monika: [You're lucky no teachers saw you, Nats]

Monika: [Anyway, if you see her alone at lunch or before classes start, please try to sit with her.]

Monika: [They probably won't harass her if she's not alone.]

Em heard Sayori sigh, and a few moments later, another message appeared.

Sayori: [Is there a reason she's not a part of this thread?]

Monika: [ (Q_Q) ]

Monika: [Me and Nats said we'd sit with her, but we didn't mention you guys.]

Monika: [Please don't tell her this is a coordinated thing between us.]

"Jeez," Sayori said out loud. "I don't know if I like this."

"How come?" He asked. "Isn't it a good thing to stop them from picking on her?"

The peach-haired girl looked down at the sidewalk. "Well… it came up yesterday, and she seemed super embarrassed about it. I think if she finds out we were talking about it behind her back, she'll be really hurt."

"Hmm…" Em hummed as he thought. "Well it's kinda too late now— we can't un-talk about it, right? And since we have that knowledge either way, isn't it best to help her if we can?"

"I guess," Sayori replied, absently twirling her thumbs together and frowning. After a moment she started typing and soon her message appeared in the group text.

Sayori: [Okay, but I really think we should avoid doing stuff behind her back like this moving forward.]

Monika: [ (π_π) ]

Monika: [Sorry]

Em took note of how much more willing his childhood friend was to stand up for someone else than she was for herself.

_I need to do better for her._

Soon they reached their houses and said goodbye. When Em entered his home, he was greeted by his father, still wearing a shirt and tie.

"How was school?" asked the man 

Em steeled his nerves, putting up his guard for this conversation. "It was good. I, uh… I think I'm starting to make friends with some of the people in Sayori's club."

"Good. None of your school friends made fun of your Friday Prayers, right?"

"No, nobody gave me any trouble." The sentence itself wasn't a lie, but the implication was— he hadn't actually observed his Friday Prayers today.

Em still believed in God, but he was finding it harder to believe in the _version_ of God preached by his family's religion, or any of the major religions, for that matter. Because of this, the specific, seemingly arbitrary ceremonies and rituals were losing their importance to him.

"Good," said his father. "I think dinner will be ready soon."

"Okay," Em nodded, taking advantage of the opportunity to slip out of further conversation, and waving hello to his mother on the way upstairs. As he changed out of his school uniform, he could hear the dull thump of music playing in his brother's room. Lying down on top of the covers of his bed, he closed his eyes. The bass frequencies seeping through the wall were almost hypnotizing, and soon he found himself lost in thought.

Talking to his parents always felt so tense and dissonant. He knew that they loved him, but… knowing they would be so disgusted by the parts of himself that he hid made his chest tighten. He wasn't sure what they would do if they found out. If they'd try to send him to some kind of conversion therapy… if they'd kick him out of the house… 

So he kept it to himself, and prayed he wouldn't slip up in front of them. Maybe he'd come out to them once he lived on his own. Once he was financially independent and the risk shifted from _all-encompassing_ to _purely emotional_. 

For now though, he didn't have many options. With the kind of work a sixteen year-old boy could get, it wasn’t feasible to make enough money to have an apartment without dropping out of school. This meant he was stuck under the same roof as his family for the foreseeable future. Walking on eggshells around them was _exhausting_ , and so he'd usually hole himself up in his bedroom, escaping into video games, anime, and chats with his online friends.

A lot of them were in similar situations to Em. Or… at least they were queer and nerdy. Only a couple members of the group, as far as he was aware, were closeted in real life because of their families, but still… It was nice to be able to talk to people that understood him. Before this week, he didn't really have any options for LGBT+ solidarity among his real-life friends (being unaware of Sayori's bisexuality), so his online circle had been there for him on many occasions.

One member of this group had been getting much closer with Em lately. The boy, one year older than him, was moving to his country from America soon, and had reached out for advice about it. As they talked one-on-one more frequently, their friendship gradually blossomed, and Em began to develop feelings for this boy named Aaron (or, as he went online, _Pandaburger_ )

The two of them would voice chat while gaming together nearly every weekend. Em couldn't wait for this session, so he could recount the crazy week he’d had— the club he'd joined this week, and all the crazy drama that had happened _pretty much every day_ since then. He also wanted to hear how Aaron's week had been, and maybe even ask for advice about how to be a better friend to Sayori. Aaron seemed to be pretty good with people.

First, though, he had to make it through another dinner with his family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We like to glorify the act of coming out sometimes, but it's not always a real option for those in families or countries where the act could put their wellbeing at risk. 
> 
> Anyway, next chapter is gonna be a Monika POV. Stay tuned folks <3


	10. Reconciliation (Monika)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Monika is forced into a certain conversation with her mother. Natsuki does her best to be supportive, regardless of the outcome.

Monika pressed send and turned on speakerphone before setting off in her dad's car. He was reluctant to let her use it when he learned her reason for stopping by her mom's tonight, but eventually he relented, and promised not to interfere.

_ Please pick up… _

After three rings, Natsuki's voice came through the line. 

"It hasn't even been two hours! Did you miss me  _ that much _ ?"

Monika couldn't play along. She was way too anxious right now.

"Hi Nats. Sorry… I'm kinda f-freaking out a little."

"Why? What happened?" Natsuki's voice was suddenly full of concern.

"I… uh…" Monika swallowed. "Do you remember, earlier, before Sayori and Yuri came back, h-how I said I was gonna FaceTime with my older sister tonight? W-well, I was telling her about you, and about our date tomorrow, and she kinda... chewed me out about it."

"What?!? Isn't she, like, your  _ best friend _ ? I thought she knew you weren't straight. I thought she was supportive!"

"N-no, not about that," Monika backpedaled. "About my parents. They're really...  _ nasty _ to each other, and they kinda use me as leverage sometimes… i-if my dad gets to meet you before I even come out to my mom, he's gonna hold that over her head for a long time."

There was a long pause.

"Jeez, that's kinda shitty," Natsuki said. "I guess dads are just  _ like that _ , though."

Monika resisted the urge to cry. She had to hold it in— save it for afterward. "N-no, they're  _ both _ like that. If it were him that I was afraid to come out to, she would be the exact same way. But anyway, my sister called my mom and said I was coming over with something important to tell her, so now I don't really have a choice, and, just…  _ aah! _ I'm freaking out!"

A long moment of silence passed while Natsuki presumably tried to process this bizarre scenario.

"Uh… calm down, Moni. It'll be okay. Let's think it over. The  _ worst case _ is that she doesn't react well, then your dad holds that over her head for a while, and she fuckin  _ deserves _ it for being a homohobe piece of shit. If she's really as competitive as you say, there's no way she'll, like,  _ kick you out _ or whatever. That would be letting your dad win, so you don't have to worry about that possibility."

"I… guess?"

"And the best case," Natsuki continued, "is that she's okay with it, and your parents have nothing to be dicks to each other about, right? Big, happy, dysfunctional family."

"R-right…" Monika failed to control the shakiness in her voice. "He'll still probably gloat that I came out to him so much earlier, but… at least it shouldn't become anything bigger than that…"

"Text me the address, okay?" ordered Natsuki. "I'll come wait outside for you, and give you a big hug either way."

Monika felt a pang of guilt.

"Nats, you don't have to come all the way—"

"I don't  _ have to _ , but I'm  _ gonna _ , okay? Jeez. Let me do some girlfriend-y shit, would you?"

God, Natsuki was so sweet. She tried to hide it with crudeness, but underneath it all she was such a cute, gooey  _ sweetheart _ that Monika just wanted to melt into...

"Will that make your dad angry?" Monika asked after a moment's contemplation.

She'd never elaborated, but Natsuki had at least admitted, earlier, that arguments with her father were frequent and harsh. Monika couldn't bear the thought of  _ causing one  _ so soon after learning about it.

"Well, he's not home yet, and it's a crapshoot whether or not he comes home at all on Friday nights, so I think I'll be okay." Monika heard rustling as her girlfriend apparently got up and prepared herself to go out. "I'll leave a note just in case explaining what it's about— that'll reduce the damage if he  _ is _ mad."

"Alright…" Monika said, concerned at how casually Natsuki treated the prospect of another blowout with her father, but afraid to argue too much. "I'll see you soon."

"You've got this, Monibuns! I believe in you!" Natsuki cheered for her in a joking tone that still conveyed genuine support. Monika smiled as she heard the line cut out. 

She pulled over to text her mother's address to Natsuki, and then resumed her drive. With her girlfriend's pep talk, Monika was starting to feel like this would be easy. 

But all that confidence dissipated by the time she arrived at her other home, and saw her mother through the front window. She looked really concerned, watching as Monika rolled to a stop.

Parking at the side of the road, Monika killed the engine. Following the abrupt end to the background noise of the vehicle, she could hear her heart pounding in her head. She was sweaty and clammy and gross and  _ losing her fucking mind  _ as her jellified legs carried her away from the car and towards the front door. This was a confrontation of sorts, after all, and in that moment Monika would have gladly traded it for a hundred fights happening in the literature club.

Her mother opened the door as she was about to reach for the handle. "Honey, is everything okay? What's going on? Sarah called me to say you were coming here..."

Monika froze. She couldn't take another step closer.

"Monika?"

She opened her mouth, but no sound would come out. All of the nasty, homophobic things her mother had said about Satoshi and her father since they'd gotten together were playing in Monika's mind at once. She was dizzy, and having trouble hearing properly, and it was only after realizing these things that she noticed her breaths were now rapid and labored. She couldn't get them under control, and her heart was hurting as if it had been stabbed. It was like she was simultaneously outside and inside of her body, watching these things happen with no control, but also very much feeling all of the bodily pain and adrenaline.

Monika's vision was starting to fade but it felt like she was maybe on the ground? Or was she floating? No… she was being held.

She felt so comfy and warm, and she didn't really want to wake up, but she could hear talking and beeping.

"It's okay baby, I've gotchu," said her mother's voice amongst the chirping DTMF tones of a phone number being dialed. A warm hand stroked the side of her face, and then there was a ringing and a click, and soon Monika could faintly hear her sister's voice as well.

"Hello?"

"Sarah, what the hell?!? What are you forcing Mons to do? She just had a panic attack and hyperventilated until she passed out!"

There was a sigh from the other end of the line. "This is something she has to tell you herself. I know we've both coddled her a lot, but I can't do this for her. It's important."

Monika opened her eyes. Her vision was really blurry and everything was so bright.

"But she's so stressed, and— oh, I think she's waking up, hold on."

"Talk to  _ her _ then, alright? Just know it's  _ your fault _ she's so afraid to come to you about this! I'm hanging up!" The noise of the phone abruptly cut out, followed by a beep that signified the end of the call. 

"Dammit," Monika heard her mother mutter.

As she blinked the bleariness out of her eyes, she realized her head was on her mother's lap, having been laid out on the living room couch. She must have been carried inside at some point.

"Hey honey, are you okay? Do you need some water?" Her mom softly spoke as she looked down into her eyes.

"N-no, I think I'm okay," she responded weakly, averting her gaze. The embarrassment of having fainted was starting to hit her, just as the anxiety of the imminent talk returned. 

Her mother, apparently sensing this, scooped the top half of her body up into a hug. "You can tell me anything okay, honey? No matter what, I promise I'll still love you. Do you want to live with dad more often or something?"

Monika shook her head as hot tears began to leak out of her face.

"No…" she had to get it out quickly— before her brain had enough time to seize up again from the mounting anxiety. "I-I'm not s-straight, mom. I… I have a g-girlfriend."

For a moment, Monika's mom looked confused. Then she looked like she might be ill. 

After the realization set in, she was crying too. "Oh my god, baby, I'm so sorry. I'm so,  _ so _ sorry."

Monika found herself pressed tightly against the woman, who was soon openly sobbing. Was it hitting her, now, that every disdainful comment that she'd made about her ex-husband's same-sex relationship over the past five years had  _ personally _ wounded her daughter? In a way, it was like a reciprocation of all the times Monika had secretly cried in her room after hearing terms like  _ 'unnatural' _ or  _ 'disgusting' _ thrown around.

"I'm s-so sorry, honey. All those things I said... It's just cause I'm bitter about your father okay? I don't mean it. I don't mean it, baby, I love you so much. I'll n-never say any of it again. A-and I'll always be nice to your girlfriend, so have her over whenever you want."

After more than a minute of being hugged and cried on, Monika pulled away for a moment.

"Uh… sh-she's coming over dad's to work on some stuff for our club tomorrow… c-could you come by? I don't want…" she sighed and tried to organize her words. "Y-you and dad are always trying to  _ compete _ and, like _ , lord things over each other _ , and I really don't like that, s-so I want you both to meet her at the same time."

Her mother nodded, wearing a guilty look. "Okay, I'll come meet her."

Letting herself be pulled close again, Monika sank into her mother's embrace and felt a kiss on the top of her head. She was being squeezed, just a hair below the boundary between  _ protectively tight _ and  _ painful _ , and she felt a sense of safety that had been largely absent around her mother for some time.

"What time tomorrow?" her mom asked, now only sniffling.

"She's coming over at one o'clock, and w-we're gonna bake cupcakes— they're for our club to hand out at the school festival on Monday," Monika replied, also sniffling. "Then we're gonna have a fire after dinner."

"That sounds nice, honey. I'll be there. I won't stay too long, though— I'm sure you don't want me hovering around while you two are baking."

"Alright," Monika answered. "But we can all have lunch together. With her and dad…"

As her mother nodded, Monika felt the vibration in her phone. Checking it, she saw a text from Natsuki. 

[Almost there. I'll wait on the corner so I'm not hovering outside your house like a creep.]

"Is that your dad?" asked her mother.

"N-no, but I probably should be getting back soon…" Monika said. And then, in a small moment of boldness that surprised even her, she continued, "you know how you and dad get when I'm at the other house for very long during their custody week."

Monika rarely had the nerve to express to her parents how the way they treated each other hurt her, even in a somewhat passive way like this, but somehow it was easier in the wake of the total breakdown she's just shared with her mother.

"Alright, honey." They both stood up, and Monika's mom reached up on tiptoes to give her a kiss on the forehead. They were almost the same height now, and Monika would probably be taller by the time she graduated. "I'll see you tomorrow, okay? I love you."

"Love you too," Monika replied, before heading out the front door. Looking back and forth, she saw a small figure standing on the corner in the direction she'd come from. The sky was getting too dark to make out details, but she was fairly sure it was Natsuki. Making a three-point turn on the quiet street, Monika pulled closer to the end of the street and saw her girlfriend, now illuminated by the headlights. Natsuki looked absolutely adorable, clad in a light-colored, boat-neck tee shirt and a ruffled pink skirt that complemented one another perfectly.

Popping the passenger door open from the inside, Monika watched the other girl hesitantly get in.

"Jeez, you have a license?"

"Mhmm," Monika replied. She'd taken classes and gotten a learner's permit so that she could take the test for her license on her sixteenth birthday. She didn't need it, but the idea of driving had always seemed so cool, and it was an impressive skill to have on a resume.

"I think I've been in a car, like, _four times_ _ever_. My mom had a license for work, but she only ever used the company's cars," Natsuki remarked as she fumbled with the seatbelt clasp.

That caught Monika off guard. She'd always been vaguely aware that her family was somewhat affluent, but she'd rarely been confronted with it. But her father's car was as fancy as it was unnecessary— a luxury he used to commute to work in private despite their city's abundant public transit options.

"Oh, uh… well, it's not mine. It's my dad's."

_ Like that matters. I'm probably making her self-conscious. _

Awkwardly clearing her throat, Monika changed the subject. 

"Uh, th-thanks for coming. And thanks for talking to me beforehand too. I think it helped."

The pink-haired girl looked Monika up and down as she eased off the break and the vehicle began rolling. 

"Don't worry about it... I guess it went well, then? Your eyes are puffy, but you're not sobbing into my shirt right now, so I'm guessing you weren't  _ disowned _ ."

"Yeah," Monika nodded. "I had a little bit of a panic attack before, but once I explained, my mom took it okay."

_ It definitely wasn't a "little" one, but she doesn't need something extra to worry about, right? It was a one-time thing. _

_...right? Oh God, what if it wasn't? _

"A panic attack? Jeez." Concerned pink eyes scanned Monika's face. "Why were you so scared to tell her anyway? Is she super religious or something?"

"Uh… not really. We  _ do _ go to church, but it's a pretty progressive one that's accepting of LGBT people." Monika swallowed. "It's just… after the divorce, my dad got a boyfriend, and she's always said really nasty, derogatory things about them."

"Oh… okay. I get why you didn't want to tell her, then."

The brown haired girl nodded back. "But when I told her about… m-me… she said she never meant it. That it was just… bitterness towards my dad," Monika explained. She was starting to feel self-conscious. She loved both of her parents, but she felt like her explanations weren't doing them justice. Like Natsuki was going to think they were awful people and hate them. She sighed, frustrated with herself.

_ I started a literature club. I should be able to word these kinds of things better... _

"Well, anyway, I'm proud of you," Natsuki said. 

Taken aback, Monika looked over, and in the glow of a passing streetlight, saw that her girlfriend was furiously blushing and avoiding eye contact. It was a very  _ Natsuki _ way to deliver a compliment. She felt her own face heating up as well. 

"Thanks."

"So… s-since it went well, what should we do to celebrate? I still don't have any money, but we could… uh, I don't know. Go for a walk or something?" Natsuki frowned. "I could give you a neck rub, I guess— my mom used to say I was really good at those when she was around."

Monika's ears perked up at the mention of Natsuki's mother. It was no secret that the pink-haired girl lived alone with her father, but she'd never talked about  _ why _ .

"What hap- uh… is it okay if I ask about your mom?" 

Natsuki sighed.

"It's fine. She's not dead or anything. She's in prison for, like,  _ intoxicated vehicular manslaughter _ or something. I can't remember exactly what the charge was called, but yeah— she got drunk on the job one day, cause she's a real  _ winner _ like that, and accidentally ran some guy over with the company car."

"Jesus Christ," Monika exclaimed. The nonchalant tone that Nats was using here was astounding. "I-I'm really sorry for… bringing that up."

"Don't worry about it. I've been over it for a while." Despite what she said, Natsuki looked rather dejected as she stared out the window.

_ Poor Nats _ . 

She didn't speak highly of her mother. Monika wondered if the girl had ever experienced a loving, happy home life, or if things had been rough even before it was her father raiding her alone.

_ Well, at least I can help her feel cared for now. _

Heart pounding, Monika reached over to take Natsuki's hand in her own. "Let's stop for a minute." After a few blocks, she found a public playground with a well-lit lot for parking, and pulled in. She turned off the engine and pivoted towards her girlfriend. "I believe I was promised a post-coming-out hug when I called you earlier."

Natsuki rolled her eyes and smiled. "Alright," she said, awkwardly leaning over the center console into an embrace.

Monika rested her head against Natsuki's shoulder and closed her eyes. The other girl's hair smelled like… a bar? Like a pile of empty beer cans, wafting the musty scent of their residue into the air. Monika frowned. Was this what her apartment smelled like? Did she normally hide this with perfume, or had Monika just failed to notice it before? She filed the thought away for future consideration

"Your outfit is really cute," she said as they separated. "I like it."

Natsuki smiled wryly."Well that's good, cause you're gonna be seeing it all day tomorrow too. We're running a bit low on clean clothes right now cause my dad keeps forgetting to refill the laundry card."

Monika was very okay with that. It would be a shame if she never got a chance to see Nats dressed like this in the daylight. She felt a little bad, though. Moni herself had been looking forward to impressing her girlfriend with a cute outfit for their home date tomorrow, but now Natsuki's opportunity to do the same had been spoiled.

Then a thought occurred to her.

"Uh… do you need me to rush you home, in case he's getting back soon? Like… I'm really happy sitting with you here, but I don't want you to get in trouble."

"Nah, it's fine," Natsuki dismissed, waving a hand in front of her. "If he's not home by now, he's probably out drinking, so he won't be back before two, if he even comes back tonight."

_ Jeez. The way she talks about that is as if it's normal... _

"What… what's it like between you and him?" She timidly asked.

Natsuki huffed and thought for a moment. "I don't know. Basically what you said earlier. We argue a lot. I think we're both just so…  _ used to _ fighting that it's hard for us to have a conversation without getting at each other about  _ something _ ."

Monika was reminded of the final year of her parents' marriage, when the smallest of inconvenience would escalate into a screaming match. For a moment she lamented her existence as a teenager— being given a small taste of autonomy, but not enough to actually  _ do anything useful  _ was so frustrating. Monika imagined a world where she had the authority and the means to offer Natsuki a place to stay… where the other girl's father couldn't do anything to take her back.

"Does he know that you're a lesbian?" She asked. She wondered if Natsuki had come out, or been discovered in some way, and how it had gone compared to her own experience just now.

Natsuki laughed a dry, joyless laugh. "I know what you're thinking, but surprisingly, the alcoholic, verbally abusive asshole isn't very biggoted. He saw us hugging out the window the other day and figured it out. Told me he suspected I was gay since I was nine. He said 'parents just  _ know _ these kinds of things' or something like that."

"Heh, have him tell that to my mom," Monika replied. They laughed together for a second before silence overtook the vehicle once more. 

"S-so, anyway, now my mom's gonna be joining us for lunch when you come over tomorrow," Monika said "I'm not sure if she'll bring my step dad or not."

Natsuki grimaced. "I might have to meet four parents? Jeez. I thought tomorrow was gonna be pretty laid back, but it's starting to sound like a pain."

"I'm sorry. I didn't want it to be a big deal or anything. It's just… what I was telling you about my parents. We didn't really have many options for the date because you hurt your foot, and then— W-wait! What the hell!?! I forgot about your foot! You  _ walked all the way to my mom's house?!? _ Natsuki!!"

"Calm down,  _ Mom _ ," Natsuki sassed. "Look— walking doesn't hurt as much with real shoes as with my school slippers. And what you just did is a  _ big deal! _ It was worth a little discomfort to be here for you."

Monika felt her cheeks get hot again. Was Natsuki trying to get her flustered on purpose to distract her from scolding? 

"It's not gonna heal if you don't let it rest," she muttered.

"Oh my god, look at you _pouting!"_ Natsuki exclaimed gleefully. "You're such a dork!"

"Sh-shut up! You're deflecting!"

Natsuki just stared back at her with a shit-eating grin. 

Monika looked away. She didn't want the other girl to make her smile and laugh when she was trying to be taken seriously. "I'm gonna feel really bad if your injury gets worse because of me."

Small hands took Monika's arm and pulled it to the other side of the car. She felt Natsuki's lips on the back of her hand, and then a soft cheek as the shorter girl nuzzled against it. (This was okay, as long as Natsuki didn't escalate it too far. As long as she didn't do something like what happened in the classroom.)

Unable to look away any longer, Monika turned back towards her girlfriend with the most serious look she could muster.

"I know," Nats said. "I'll be careful." More kisses tickled Monika's knuckles and the backs of her fingers. "It was really nice to see you tonight, though. I was happy that you called me."

As she spoke those more tender words, dropping her normal cheeky attitude, the tone Natsuki's voice became soft and gentle. The usual smooth-edged bold lines gave way to something more layered and complex, textured like the stroke of a paintbrush. Monika felt her heart race.

"I-Im glad too."

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, look at me, posting a chapter about coming out right after one about somebody who can't.  
> I guess the difference here is that Monika was sure she didn't face any danger. She wasn't at risk of becoming homeless because her parents live separately, and she also had the support of multiple adults who knew both her and her mother (namely Satoshi and Sarah). I hope it didn't feel like I was glorifying the idea of coming out.
> 
> Anyway, thanks so much for reading! I know that Monika and Natsuki have mostly been having super serious, heavy conversations so far, so I'm gonna try to add some fluffy cutesy stuff next chapter while they're baking and such.


	11. Exhaustion (Natsuki)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natsuki heads to Monika's place to work on cupcakes together and meet her family. Will their stay-at-home date go smoothly?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, would you look at that?!? Posting an update after a whole ass month. Sorry for going silent for so long-- I really wanted to keep up the pace with this fic, but I’ve been struggling with some writer’s block. 
> 
> But anyway I’m back with the longest chapter yet (I think), now that I’ve waited long enough for everyone to forget what’s even going on in this story. Killing it, yo. (I’m sorry)
> 
> I hope you’ll all stick with me! I’m hoping I can pick up the pace again soon. It typically ebbs and flows how fast I’m able to write, so hopefully, after the next chapter or two, I’ll be on an upswing again. Anyway, we’re getting so close to 100 kudos and I’m really thankful for you all. Even with the fandom being quite old and pretty quiet, you’ve still managed to show me so much support and I can’t thank you enough.

Natsuki reluctantly waited on the steps outside of her apartment building, watching the cars that passed by. Monika had insisted on picking her up because of her injured foot, even though she could have walked just fine. It was her own stupid fault for kicking the stupid heater anyway, so she would have happily dealt with the pain.

The weather was overcast and chilly, somehow colder than it had been when she was out in the middle of the night yesterday. Nats hunched over, rubbing her hands on her exposed arms as a breeze knocked loose some of the more orange leaves from the nearby trees. When she was about to get up and wait inside, she saw the familiar car, from the previous night, pull around the corner.

As it rolled to a stop by the sidewalk, Natsuki contemplated why so many people opted for colorless vehicles. The silver-gray finish on Monika's father's luxury car camouflaged quite well against both the worn pavement and the cloudy sky. Opting for stealth didn't seem very smart when visibility could be the deciding factor between safely getting home and getting  _ pancaked _ against the road by some half-distracted idiot in a bigger vehicle. Not to mention that it was boring as fuck.

Dropping the tangential thought, she hobbled over to the sidewalk and opened the passenger-side door, heaving her bag of supplies into the automobile. Inside was a haven of warm air so intensely relieving that she almost wanted to curl up and take a nap in the leather seat. "Hi Moni."

Her girlfriend smiled back at her from behind the wheel. "Hi Nats. So I get a nickname now, too?"

Natsuki shook her head as she buckled her seatbelt, having a much easier time than the previous night thanks to the daylight (and experience). "Y'know I called you that yesterday, too, but you were too busy freaking the fuck out to notice."

"Oh… sorry." Monika blushed. She  _ blushed _ and it was ridiculously cute. She was wearing her hair up, like she usually did at school, and had a white sundress to match her ribbon, complemented by a musical note pendant. Natsuki felt her heart do a few backflips as she took in the sight. 

"So what's for lunch?" Natsuki asked, trying to keep her eyes from wandering to certain features that the dress did a  _ very nice job _ of showing off.

"My dad's making pierogies," Monika explained, keeping her eyes on the road but smiling.

"Oh, alright…" 

Natsuki thought she'd heard the word pierogi before, but had no idea what kind of food it was. She didn't want to seem dumb, though, so she figured she'd just wait and see what it was instead of asking. Her father had come home drunk and grocery-less at some point after she went to bed, meaning she'd gone without dinner  _ or _ breakfast— Natsuki was just about hungry enough to eat grass, so she could definitely stomach whatever a pierogi was, even if it was gross.

"We're ordering delivery for dinner, though," Monika added, "so we can get whatever kind of food you want then."

Natsuki felt a surge of guilt. "N-no, you don't have to do anything special for me. I'll be happy with anything, alright?"

Monika laughed in response. "Relax, it's not like we're buying you a house or something!" 

Suddenly she scooped up Natsuki's hand in her own, interlacing their fingers and squeezing reassuringly. The gesture made Nats' heart soar. Although she was bold and crass at times, a lot of Natsuki's confidence was artificial, and she very much appreciated that Monika seemed willing to take the lead on occasion. Especially since she was having trouble understanding how intimate the brown-haired girl wanted their relationship to be. 

Sure, they'd only been an  _ item  _ for a few days, but they'd both seen the other break down, both comforted the other, both opened up about deeply personal topics— despite this, Monika had been so  _ offended _ by the kiss in the classroom. From Natsuki's perspective graphing out the intimacy of their relationship over time would make a jagged, zigzagging line, and it was pretty confusing.

Monika cleared her throat to speak. "So, uh, my stepdad is coming, so… yeah. Four parents. Sorry."

With a resigned sigh, Natsuki sank into her seat. Of course it couldn't be easy. She was gonna have to meet all these people that Monika cared about at once, and it was gonna be so stressful that she'd snap at someone, or do  _ something  _ bitchy like she always managed to. She was gonna make everybody hate her, and Monika would be forced to defend her against them, and it would become a huge strain on their brand new relationship.

"Are you nervous?" Monika asked, watching the road as she drove one-handed, still adjoining her other hand to Natsuki's.

Glaring back, Nats sassed, "Obviously I'm nervous. Isn't the whole  _ 'meet the family' _ thing supposed to happen after you've already been dating a while? And there's no way I'm not gonna make an ass out of myself with this many people to talk to."

Monika bit her lip. "It'll be alright. I'm sure they understand that it's a lot of pressure— nobody's gonna judge you if you get flustered or misspeak or anything."

_ I'm sure they'll judge me if I blow up at someone, though… _

It was like a cruel, self-fulfilling prophecy. She was stressed from worrying that she might have an outburst, and that stress would leave her liable to crack under pressure and have the exact kind of outburst she was afraid of. Natsuki found herself wishing Monika lived alone in a tidy little apartment, like well-off high school students always seemed to in anime...

But soon they were pulling into the driveway in front of a fancy looking condo, and her time was at hand.

* * *

Pierogies, Natsuki found out, were just western dumplings, and they looked and smelled pretty tasty. They were supposedly made according to some recipe from Monika's great grandmother, from some European country. (She'd already forgotten which one.)

Once everyone had sat down, the table got very tense. Monika's birth parents, who had chatted normally when she was introduced to them individually, were now mostly silent, contributing only a few words here and there. Both stepdads had realized it was on them to carry the conversation, and steer it away from any potential conflict between their partners. They got along surprisingly well, considering their circumstances. 

Natsuki responded  _ at length _ when asked about her interests, and about the club, and about school. She told them about how she met Monika, and about her favorite subjects, and about her other friends. 

Natsuki responded  _ curtly _ when asked about her family, and about her home life. She tried to deflect as gracefully as she could, giving vague answers that could be interpreted in normal ways. (She'd made the mistake of responding openly to these kinds of questions from a friend's mom in middle school, before she really understood that her situation wasn't normal, and it had caused nothing but trouble.) 

Monika's dad's boyfriend, Satoshi, seemed to get the idea quickly, even shooting her what seemed like a knowing look. He had a completely different demeanor from Ms. N, but maybe he was just as perceptive. It could just be that he also had a rough family life growing up, and knew what her evasive answers meant from experience, but she couldn't be sure either way.

_ I'll have to be careful around this guy.  _

The food was delicious. Aside from the pierogis, stuffed full of potatoes and some kind of...  _ stuff _ (no pun intended) that was kind of like cheese, but not really, there were a variety of cooked vegetables, seasoned to perfection, and a big loaf of fluffy homemade bread.

Monika's dad must have pulled out all the stops to show up his ex wife. Natsuki wasn't gonna complain if it meant she got to eat all this awesome food. And even with the promise of another meal for dinner. She felt just a little bit guilty accepting all of it, but she planned to make an extra batch of deluxe, specially-decorated cupcakes, and leave them just for Monika's family. Hopefully that would help make up for it.

_ Even though it'll all be their sugar and their flour and their *everything* that I'm using… _

She looked down at her lap. Monika had been carrying the conversation for a few moments, so the heat was temporarily off of Natsuki. This was overwhelming. Eating a meal with five other people, four of which were strangers… All of them focusing specifically on her...

_ Alright, I can do this. I'm not as hopeless as Yuri. It's just a conversation.  _

Throwing her attention back into the conversation, Natsuki nodded along, making eye contact and doing all that other 'active listening' bullshit that was supposed to make people feel important while they talked at you.

Monika's mother's husband, Honzou, was a pensive man, who seemed to love telling stories. Satoshi, on the other hand, was witty and playful— not quite the overdone stereotype of a gay guy that appeared so often in media, but closer to it than someone like Em.

Moni's actual parents were too quiet for Natsuki to get good reads on, or even remember the names of, as they sat, stewing at their respective ends of the table. Her mother looked almost like a librarian or a grade school teacher, with curly hair and glasses. When she wasn't glaring daggers at her ex-husband, her emerald eyes were soft and disarming, and Natsuki found it hard to believe how scared Monika had been of her the previous night. Her father seemed far more intimidating— he was a living, breathing character archetype of the imposing, fit, middle-aged CEO. He had just the right build, facial hair, and ratio of gray hairs to brown hairs so he could easily be a model in some commercial advertising boats or watches or  _ golfing shit _ to other rich guys.

It seemed like things were winding down, though— everyone was just about done with their plates, so hopefully Natsuki would have some respite soon.

* * *

"Alright, girls, the old folks are gonna get out of your hair now," Satoshi announced, turning towards Monika's father. "We'll have a date night ourselves, right dear?"

Monika's mother and stepdad had left about half an hour ago.

Monika's father nodded, humming his agreement. "There's money for delivery on the counter. Get enough so there's leftovers, please."

"Okay, thanks. Have fun!" Monika waved. 

The two headed out the door, and for the first time since she arrived, Natsuki felt the tension in her shoulders relax. She'd somehow managed to make it through the whole ordeal without exposing her temper to any of Monika's family, and the feat had thoroughly drained her.

Monika turned to face her, taking hold of her hand where they sat together on the couch. 

"Looks like our date has officially begun!" she joked. "Are you ready to get started with the baking?"

Opting to just grumble a response rather than communicate verbally, Natsuki flopped onto her side and covered her head with one of the weird little pillows that decorated Monika's couch. Wasn't a couch already basically  _ made of  _ pillows? Chizuru had these at her house too, though, didn't she? Was this what rich people spent their money on? Or maybe it was normal, and she was the weird one?

Natsuki felt the couch beside her decompress as Monika stood up. Then, a wonderfully soft fleece blanket was draped over her.

"I guess you're more of an introvert than you look, huh? That took a lot out of you," Monika's voice gently sang. Natsuki had been expecting her girlfriend to respond to her exaggerated little display with playful teasing, but this was alright too. Monika was so nice. "Well… th-thanks for putting up with all that for my sake. You can take a break while I get everything ready."

Soft footsteps got further away, and eventually Nat could hear the sound of rummaging in the kitchen. The clattering echoing from the other room was somehow relaxing though. Natsuki closed her eyes to focus on listening, and…

Natsuki's consciousness was slowly fading back from the embrace of sleep when suddenly she jolted upright, sending the pillow atop her head flying to the other side of the couch.

_ Shit, I fell asleep?!? _

She could feel her face heating up as she blinked the blurriness out of her eyes. She saw Monika, sitting cross-legged on the floor, staring back with an amused smile. "W-what are you looking at, creep?"

Natsuki tried and failed to play off her embarrassment, faltering as she shakily delivered the sassy comment. She could see Monika's glee increasing.

"Oh, shut up," Natsuki said, cracking a smile of her own.

"I didn't say a word," replied the brown-haired girl. She stood up and offered a hand, which Natsuki accepted. 

Once she was on her feet, Natsuki hobbled over into the kitchen, and saw that her girlfriend had set up a barstool by all the baking supplies and ingredients. 

"So you don't have to be on your feet," she explained as she followed Natsuki into the room.

Glancing at the digital clock on the stove, Nats saw that Monika had let her nap for over an hour and a half. The heat returned to her face as she set the oven to 'bake' and shuffled onto the tall stool. "A-alright, we're gonna need a few batches, so let's get started. Can you measure out the sugar?  _ Carefully _ ?" Natsuki asked, pulling up the recipe on her phone and handing it to Monika, before reaching for a large mixing bowl and the carton of eggs. "Do three times the amounts in the recipe to start with."

Embarrassment was soon replaced with assurance— Natsuki was in her element. She could actually speak and act with  _ real  _ confidence in this situation, instead of putting up an act. She smiled, knowing Monika would get to see her like this all day. Accepting the measured sugar from Monika, Natsuki continued to work with the wet ingredients, leaving Monika to whisk the dry stuff together in a separate bowl. Once everything was mixed, it was time to combine their bowls.

"Okay, mix everything together as I pour this in. We have to do it gradually or else it'll be a huge pain," Natsuki ordered. " _ Gently! _ " she scolded when Monika stirred a bit too fervently and sent some of the flour mixture spilling out.

The brown-haired girl flushed again. "Sorry..."

Her pink cheeks and awkward half-smile were just… AAUGHHHHH!

_ God, she's so fuckin cute when she's embarrassed _ . 

Natsuki made a mental note to tease her  _ just a little bit _ more often.

Once they had the triple-batch of batter mixed together, Natsuki separated it into a few smaller bowls and took out the bottles of food-coloring that she'd brought.

"Ooh that's fun," said Monika. "Do we have enough bowls to do the whole rainbow? It would look really neat if we could line them up in order of the color spectrum."

Natsuki thought for a moment, with her hands on her hips. "Well… it's probably gonna be near impossible to see the color of the cake until you peel back the liner, since the icing is on top, so I don't know about lining them up, but I wouldn't mind doing all the colors."

"Ah right, I forgot about the little papers." Monika tried to hide her disappointment, but Nats could still sense it.

"Uh, w-we can color the icing too though. We could do a rainbow gradient with that!"

It would use an obnoxious number of bowls to have six colors of  _ both _ icing and batter, but if it made Monika happy, it was worth it. 

"Ooh, right! That'll work."

Nats asked Monika to get out bowls for each color, and may or may not have had a couple of lewd thoughts, watching her girlfriend stretch out to reach the high shelves.

Monika made the good point that they only had to have as many batter bowls as there were colors in a single batch, and they could be rinsed out in between. That made it a little bit more manageable. 

_ Of course Monika thought of something smart and efficient _ .

It might have made her feel jealous a week ago. Or maybe not jealous, but… stupid for not thinking of it herself, maybe? Insecure? Regardless, now it just made her smile. Some small mixture of admiration and pride over the positive attributes of her partner.

They colored two smaller bowls of batter for the first batch, and carefully ladled them out into liners in the cupcake tray. The oven had finished preheating while they were still messing with the food coloring, so they were able to plop the first batch in right away.

Soon enough, the ingredients of the frosting sat in a bowl, waiting to be mixed. "Alright," Natsuki smiled at her girlfriend, "whip it up!"

Sheepishly, Monika accepted the bowl and stirred the ingredients, but she wasn't being vigorous enough. Natsuki rolled her eyes in an exaggerated gesture and snatched it away. "We're gonna be here all day if you do it like that. You gotta… really… beat the crap out of it, see?" She explained as she gave the mixture a good thrashing, handing it back to Monika to finish. 

"Alright," said the brown haired girl, tightly wrapping one arm around the bowl and furiously beating the frosting with the other. It was starting to make a bit of a mess, sending little bits flying around. 

"Whoa there, cowboy! You gotta be fast but also controlled, you're getting it everywhere!" Natsuki snatched the bowl away once more. See? She wiped a bit off of Monika's arm with a paper towel. "Ah jeez you got it in your dress too! Good thing we didn't put the food coloring in yet, or you'd be screwed." She scrubbed at the soiled bit of fabric, located just above Monika's waist, off to the side, only for the other to jump back, covering her mouth.

"What? Aww c'mon, it's not like I'm touching your butt or anything. I can't help clean it if you don't let me touch you at all."

"I-it's not that…" Monika said, stepping closer again. 

Natsuki scrubbed at the sugary spot again, only for Monika to jump back with a squeak. She felt an evil grin spread across her face. "Oh my god, are you really  _ that  _ ticklish? How do you even function?"

"Hey, that's just a sensitive spot, I'm not  _ that _ bad all over," Monika said with a playful pout. 

"We'll see about that!" Natsuki shouted as she sprang out of her seat, chasing down the other girl and tickling up and down her sides. It made her injured toes hurt  _ a lot _ , but she wasn't going to let that ruin the fun. In a few moments she had Moni pinned on the couch, flailing as Nats squiggled her fingers around her torso.

"Alright, enough, ENOUGH!!!" she shouted, nearly throwing Natsuki off of herself and gasping for breath. "You caught me, okay? I'm really ticklish, b-but you can't go doing that all the time." A flush was creeping up Monika's cheeks as she spoke, wiping tears from the corners of her eyes. "Just a little at a time, okay? I seriously came really close to wetting myself just now."

These words entered Natsuki's ears, but she wasn't really processing them. The sudden shove and loud yell had sent her adrenaline through the roof in a fraction of a second. She was doing her best to hide it, but her brain was deep in fight-or-flight mode. Choosing the latter, she said, "Y-yeah, sorry. I-I'm gonna use the bathroom real quick," hurrying off to the toilet, then closing and locking the door behind her. 

Her heart was pounding at a frightening rate and her breaths were shallow. Natsuki really wanted to splash water on her face, but that would ruin her makeup, so she just rested against the wall, sliding down to the floor and trying to control her breathing. Burying her face in her hands, she found her cheeks already wet, so it would be ruined anyway.

_ God fucking dammit!  _

It was so frustrating. She was having fun with Monika. She was having a really good day. But in that moment, every part of Natsuki's brain, and every cell in her body was  _ screaming _ that she was about to be hit. That Papa was drunk and mad and she needed to brace for impact ASAP. And of course it didn't come, and now everything was thrown out of whack, and her stupid fucking heart wouldn't stop pounding and her stupid fucking makeup was ruined.

_ As if I even look good anyway. What's the fucking point. Why does Monika even like me? _

Natsuki slowly got to her feet and hobbled over to the sink. The damage actually wasn't too bad today. Nothing that couldn't be fixed. She folded up a tissue from the box beside the sink, and got to work, and having that task to focus on actually helped a lot. Her hands were still very shaky, and it could have been a lot better, but she at least got it looking...  _ passable _ .

She emerged from the bathroom and shuffled back to the kitchen. The first batch of cupcakes had finished cooking, and Monika had set them on potholders on the counter, filling the whole first floor with their sweet fragrance. The brown-haired girl was currently mixing the next two batter colors while the first batch cooled enough to be removed from the pan. Natsuki sidled up to her.

"I… uh… sorry for… ticking you too much. Jeez saying that out loud sounds so stupid."

"It's fine," Monika said, smiling sadly. "I'm sorry for shouting, and for shoving you." She looked deep into Natsuki's eyes,  _ searching _ .

_ Fuck. Fuck. FUCK. She's figuring it out… _

Luckily, Monika broke the gaze, resuming her work and changing the subject. "The first batch is good. They passed the toothpick test."

"Alright." 

Carefully, Nats removed the cakes one-by-one from the cupcake pan, placing them neatly on a tray. Monika had gathered two covered trays from between her parents' houses, and Natsuki had brought two of her own, in order to house the absurd number of cupcakes they were bringing to school on Monday. If they'd put on Monika's poetry recital, the club members wouldn't have needed so many cupcakes, since only people who came into the room could get one. Now, though, since they were just handing them out in the hallway, every idiot who passed by was gonna take one, so they needed a larger supply. 

The recipe was good for thirty two cupcakes, and they were making three batches of it, pushing the total to ninety six. Nats figured they'd probably still run out pretty quick, since their school had about six hundred students between the four years, but making more was out of the question.

The rest of the cake-making process passed uneventfully. There was a bit of awkward tension hanging over them as they frosted one batch while the next baked in a sort of pipeline. Soon, they were ready to start the decorative Pa'at words on the festival cupcakes. Natsuki loaded up two piping bags with the colored frosting they'd whipped up for the writing, making sure to choose the fine detail nozzles.

Monika pulled out a notepad and a pen, and drew out some characters. Looking it over, Natsuki cocked her head. "That's different from what I looked up last night. It was something like this," she said, writing out what Google had told her the previous night.

"Mmm. Yeah, that  _ kinda  _ works, but it's a little too much of a direct translation." Monika pointed at the writing. "This word here means something more like a sports club or association, where this one is more for a club in the academic sense. And if you add this stroke here it clarifies it a little."

Natsuki gaped at her girlfriend's in-depth explanation. It took her a few moments to recover her speech. "Jeez, of course the whitest girl in the club is the one who knows Pa'at…"

"Hey!" Monika put her hands on her hips in mock indignation. "I'll have you know that my grandad is a pure-blooded native, you Japanese  _ interloper _ !"

"Yeah yeah yeah, whatever," Nats sassed with a smile. "I'll shut up now, before the other three quarters of you colonizes and subjugates me."

"Ooh look at you whipping out the vocabulary. Yuri would be proud."

Natsuki playfully glared back. "Don't patronize me. Oh, actually, would you mind starting that by yourself? I wanna whip up a special batch to leave here for your family."

"Oh, uh… well that's not necessary, but if you really want to, you can." Monika said, rubbing the back of her neck.

"You think I'd miss a chance to show off my baking prowess?" Natsuki asked, taking an exaggerated superhero stance. "Besides, I need to say 'thank you' somehow. You had to supply all the ingredients…"

"Natsuki, it's fine. You don't have to worry about that." Monika was starting to look concerned, so Nats decided she better shut up.

_ I need to stop being so weird about food in front of her or I'm screwed... _

Luckily, it seemed Monika's dad had some cocoa powder in the pantry, so Natsuki had everything she needed for chocolate cake batter. She got enough for a small batch whipped up in  _ no time flat _ , and measured it out into eighteen cups. 

_ That should be enough for four parents, right? And Moni can have a couple too… _

Natsuki threw the pans into the oven and got to work in the frosting. Now that she was warned up, used to where everything was in this kitchen, and working on a smaller batch, Nats was breezing through the process. She hoped Monika noticed her  _ actually  _ being good at something for once. Soon the icing was finished, so she tossed it in the fridge and returned to helping Monika with the writing on the festival cupcakes.

They were just finishing up when the oven chimed once more. Natsuki threw on some mits and took her special cakes out. 

"Alright, I'm gonna go get the fire ready while you work your magic," Monika said. "There are some nuts and chocolate chips in this cabinet here, and Satoshi has a stash of various chocolate candies over in this one. You're free to use any of it."

Natsuki smiled brightly. "Ooh, that helps a bunch! Thanks, Moni!" Monika blushed in response.

She'd been worried that she might not be able to do anything creative, with limited options available, but she'd definitely come up with something awesome-looking with all these options.

* * *

Natsuki looked down on her creations with pride. She'd gone for variety, with some designs looking cute and fun, like cats and dogs and birds, and others looking chic and classy. She divided them up into two groups, one to be left here and the other to be taken to Monika's mother's place the next day.

Then, she went over to the festival cupcakes and picked out two of the worst-looking ones. She'd heard the sliding door in the back open and close a couple times, so Nats figured the fire (and by extension, her girlfriend) must be out back. She didn’t feel like running to the front of the condo to get her shoes, so she just took off her socks to walk in the grass. She cringed, seeing that second and third toes on the one foot were a concerning color, and obviously swollen. 

Out on the condo's back porch partition, Natsuki noticed that two chairs were missing from the patio furniture set. She stepped down into the grass and looked around the shared backyard. Over in one of the far corners, she spotted Monika, fussing over a metal fire pit thingy, and looking pretty frustrated. (She wondered why it was called a fire  _ pit _ when it sat above the ground.)

"What's the matter, Moni?" Natsuki asked as she limped closer on toes that she now realized were probably broken.

Monika sighed. "We were out of kindling, and I can't find any sticks around. The stupid newspaper keeps burning up before the logs can catch."

"Hmm okay… do you have any cardboard? I think that'll burn a bit longer than newspaper, especially if we use a bunch."

Natsuki vaguely remembered her middle school friend, who used to have fires, using cardboard in the process of starting it.

"Hmm, I think so. Let me go see," Monika said. 

The brunette walked across the yard, back towards her unit, leaving Natsuki alone in the fire area. She set the pair of cupcakes aside and took in her surroundings. It was a cute little patio, made of big flat stones and gravel, with some tiki torches around the edges. This gave Natsuki an idea. 

Picking out one of the split logs from the pit, she uncovered a torch and removed the fuel container, carefully pouring some of the oil onto the exposed wood grain and letting it soak in a little. She drizzled both of the sides that didn't have bark, and set it aside. Then she cleared the other logs out of the center, leaving room for Monika to put newspaper and cardboard underneath.

Monika returned, carrying a stack of broken-down cardboard that included a couple pizza boxes in the middle.

“Ooh, I haven’t had pizza in forever,” Natsuki mused. “Is there, like, a Little Caesar’s or something around here that we can order from?”

“Little Caesars?” Monika scoffed as she balled up some newspaper. “There’s a local place called Avi’s Pizza that we order from. They’re much better.” She pulled one of the boxes out from the pile and pointed to the logo.

“Alright, little miss food snob,” Nats teased back. But the playful spirit quickly drained from within her, and she looked down at her feet. “...N-not everyone can afford to be picky about that kind of stuff, y’know.”

She’d told herself she’d stop being weird about food in front of Monika, but the more she thought about the interaction, the more her feelings were hurt. Little Caesars was her favorite thing that Papa ever brought home for dinner. He only went there when he was in the mood to put in a little extra effort, since it was a few minutes out of the way, and the nights when he was in that kind of mood were good. Sometimes he’d ask her about her friends and about school. Sometimes they’d even find a movie on TV to watch together.

  
“Y-you’re right... I’m sorry.” Monika frowned, awkwardly rubbing her arm.

“Anyway, let’s get working on this! It’s freakin’ cold out here!” Natsuki changed the subject before her thoughts could completely ruin her mood. She folded up one of the cardboard boxes into the shape of a tent, placing it over the paper balls. With the oiled log and a few well-timed additions of new cardboard, they were able to get a full fledged fire going in a few minutes, even without any small or medium sticks. 

Natsuki held her chilled feet out close to the fire, and Monika winced at the sight of her toes. 

“Are… should you, like... go to the hospital for that or something? I knew you kicked that radiator pretty hard but… jesus.”

“Nah, what are they gonna do?” Nats replied. “Give me tiny little casts? They don’t do anything for broken toes.” Natsuki didn’t know that for sure, but she’d heard it somewhere. She didn’t want to walk around in one of those stupid boots anyway, if that was even how they would treat her injury, and she could still move her toes if she really tried, so  _ whatever _ .

Monika didn’t look all too thrilled with that answer, but Natsuki flashed a grin at her and scooted her chair closer, which seemed to distract from the concern and lift her spirits a little. She handed Monika the cupcake she’d set aside earlier and peeled the liner from her own. 

“They’re good,” Monika said, her words muffled by a mouth full of sugary cake. 

Natsuki nodded as she finished hers. She reached over and held Monika’s hand. “Thanks for helping me today. I never would have gotten so many done on my own. A-and your writing looked really good on them.” 

The brown-haired girl smiled shyly, blushing lightly and looking into her lap. 

Natsuki wondered how much longer she’d get to see that. How long would it be before they settled into each other as a couple and stopped being so embarrassed all the time? Would they even make it that long before Monika got sick of her?

“A-and Moni… thanks for… putting up with all my shit today. Getting all worked up about meeting your family… falling asleep… tickling you, then getting all weird… I’m sorry. I don’t know how you do it.”

“Natsuki… C’mon, don’t-”

“I know you said that you don’t mind my temper, but, like, just not being annoyed by somebody is one thing, and dating them is another. I still don’t understand what there is to actually _ like _ about me.” 

Monika's expression softened. She let out a deep sigh and sat back in her chair, the light blush returning to her cheeks.

"This is embarrassing, but… well, let's see… I like how brave you are. There've been quite a few occasions since I met you that I've been impressed with how…  _ readily _ you just face things head-on. Like, when Sayori told me about how you chewed out the teacher who accused you of cheating. Or when you, like, staged a freaking intervention for your friend when she was dating that abusive guy. Or the other day, when you wrecked that third-year girl who was bullying Yuri. You just, like, cut straight through the bullshit and do what you think is right, in a way that I never can."

Natsuki felt like her face was hotter than the fire they were sitting in front of, but Monika wasn't done.

"I like how you don't let the way me and your friends tease you stop you from enjoying your manga and anime and stuff. And I know you kind of play it up sometimes, but I really like how bold, and  _ lively, _ and, like,  _ sassy _ you can be. It's super cu— uhh…  _ endearing _ ."

Monika gave a mischievous smile, but Natsuki couldn't say anything in response. This was too much. She should have just kept her stupid mouth shut. She was about to get a nosebleed from how hard she was blushing.

"And… m-most of all I like how much of a softie you are underneath all that. I can tell how much you care for the club and everyone in it, and for your other friends… like, you can be a little mean, sometimes, but I know you'd have any of their backs in an  _ instant _ if something happened. Like a fierce little mama bear," she giggled. Then she looked away as the redness in her cheeks flared. "N-not to mention that I find you really attractive.  _ Physically _ , I mean."

"Aaauuuggghhh  _ STOOOOOPPP _ !!! I'm sorry I asked!" Natsuki couldn't pull her hands away from her face.

Monika laughed out loud. "Don't pretend you weren't just acting all mopey to fish for compliments!"

"Was NOT! I'm seriously opening up to you here, and you're just gonna tease me?!? I'm gonna leave!"

"I know I know I know," Monika put her own hands up in surrender. "You don't have to shout so all the neighbor's can hear, you dork."

Natsuki looked over her shoulder at the other units and blushed even harder, if that was possible.

"You're not the only one this is embarrassing for, y'know," Monika whined playfully.

"Yeah? You don't think it's worse being on the receiving end? Well maybe I should gush about you to your face, huh? Like how you're, like,  _ objectively  _ the hottest girl in our entire year! And not just hot, but like,  _ adorably pretty _ . And how you're super hard working and earnest!" 

Natsuki could tell her plan to turn the tables was working. Her own embarrassment wasn't subsiding, but she was successfully dragging Monika up to the same level.

"Y-you're really sweet and welcoming, even though you're not the best with people, and you're so fucking smart that it's ridiculous! You're as booksmart as Yuri but you're also  _ quick _ and  _ clever _ , and even better at coming up with witty quips and comebacks than I am!"

"STOOOOP! I SURRENDERRRR!" Now Monika was the one hiding her face. "I'm gonna go order the pizza, I'llbebackinaminutebye," she said, standing up and running off. 

_ Sheesh, she isn't even gonna ask me what toppings I want? Whatever— not like I'm picky. _

Natsuki smiled to herself. Monika really thought of her like that, huh? Surely it was exaggerated, but… maybe she wasn't such a pile of trash after all. She felt a little more secure after that reassurance, humiliating as it was. Plus, she also had to admit that it felt nice to shower Monika with compliments.

Natsuki added a log to the fire and scooted her chair just a little closer. It was almost completely dark out by now, with only the slightest hint of color at one edge of the sky, and the chilly day was giving way to a chillier night. If she hadn't been so concerned with looking cute for Monika she would have worn a sweatshirt or something.

Soon Monika returned with her phone in hand. 

"Everything's all ordered, so now we just have to wait for the delivery. I got three large pizzas so that you can take a box home and there'll still be leftovers for my dad and Satoshi."

Natsuki tensed up. If Monika was doing this, it meant she definitely knew something was up with Natsuki's food situation. But… if she left everything unsaid like this— if she didn't  _ push _ , and just shared food once in a while… maybe it would be okay? Monika did tend to avoid confrontation, so maybe if things stayed just like this, nothing bad would happen…

"Alright," she replied, trying to force away her unease. "Should we go inside so we can hear the doorbell?"

"Nah, we can just watch this," Moni replied, unlocking her phone screen to reveal what looked like security footage. "We have a camera by the front door, so I'll just watch for when the delivery car parks across the street. No way I'm abandoning this fire so quickly after we struggled so hard to start it!"

"Ooh, fancy," Nats commented.

The pair chatted idly for another half hour, discussing school and the festival and their mutual agreement that Yuri had the hots for Sayori, until a car with a little magnetic light stuck to the top appeared on the screen.

"Ooh, it's here!" The brown-haired girl exclaimed, standing up and pocketing her phone. "I'll go get it— you stay here so we're not leaving the fire unattended. I can't wait for you to try this pizza. It's so good!"

With that, she jogged off to answer the door. She really was excited about this pizza, huh? Natsuki patiently waited, and a few minutes later, Monika returned, with her enthusiasm all but gone.

"You alright? What happened?" Natsuki asked, a little concerned. Had the delivery worker been a creeper? Had they gotten the wrong order?

"Uh… it turned out the delivery driver was Yuri. But something was off."

_ Oh wow, what a coincidence. She did say yesterday that she had a job, though... _

Natsuki thought for a moment. "Uh… like more  _ 'off' _ than usual?"

She didn't think less of her for it, but Natsuki was pretty sure Yuri was 'on the spectrum,' and it wasn't uncommon for conversations with the purple-haired girl to feel a bit off kilter.

"No, I mean like something happened to her," Monika explained, looking very concerned. "Her hands were all shaky, and I could tell she'd been crying."

Jeez, what was it now?

"Hmm, let's go make sure she's okay then. Is her car still there?" Natsuki asked.

"N-no, she left right away."

"Alright, let's call he—"

"No, don't. I tried to ask her about it, but she shot me down. I'll just call the restaurant and have her manager check in when she gets back."

Natsuki frowned. Wasn't this the exact kind of behind-her-back thing Sayori had said not to do? Even if it worked out for the better, it was a betrayal of Yuri's trust, of sorts, right?

As Monika redialed the restaurant and held her phone up to her ear, Natsuki wondered if her girlfriend would ever pull the same kind of thing on her behalf, manipulating her situation from behind the scenes. It made her feel a bit uneasy. If Monika learned the full story about papa, what… would she do?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The horizontal line time-skip things return with A VENGEANCE!!!
> 
> I’m having *the thing*, again, where it feels like the quality of my writing has deteriorated and I can’t tell if it’s just my low self esteem, or if it’s accurate. Does the narration in this one feel as Natsuki-ish as the other two Natsuki chapters? I think she’s starting to open up a little, so she’s not quite as confrontational, but I hope she still feels distinct.
> 
> If I do end up taking forever again, for the next chapter, and you’re looking for something to hold you over, I highly recommend checking out Frail Cupcakes by Tactical Cupcakes. It’s about Natsuki unpacking her trauma some time after moving out of her father’s house, and it’s wonderful. The chapters are short but super hard-hitting, and I think it’s one of the more underrated stories that is still being updated in this fandom.


	12. Held (Yuri)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuri has a sketchy experience at work, and it shakes her up pretty badly. Will her aunt get her to open up about it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edit- it looks like the punctuation of italicized text got all messed up when I pasted the work here. Sorry. I'll try to fix it soon  
> Edit- fixed

Performing some mental math, Yuri tried to remember how many hours she'd worked the previous week, decided that the paycheck that had been direct-deposited into her account was more or less the correct amount. With a nod at the laptop screen. She pulled out her wallet, flipping through the cash she'd withdrawn the previous night, and made a small stack of bills as close to half of the paycheck's amount as increments of twenty would allow. She nodded to herself after confirming that she had enough cash left over to pay for school lunch for the coming week.

From where she reclined on the bed, Yuri could reach her desk drawers with some effort, and she didn't much feel like getting up, so she twisted and stretched and was able to fish out a piece of paper. She folded it into a makeshift envelope, as she did every week, and put the money inside, writing the Pa'at characters for "aunt" and "uncle" on the front.

Her guardians had never asked her to pay any kind of rent, or to get a job, for that matter, but Yuri didn't want to be any more of a leech than she already was. She'd been forced upon them when her mother passed away, and while she could never make up for the drain she put on their finances with her measly ten-to-fifteen hours of labor per week, she did her best to contribute _something_. 

Closing out the on-line banking window, Yuri was greeted with a photo of her younger self. She grimaced. It was what her mother had set as the background of the computer, and as uncomfortable as it made her feel to look at her own likeness, the idea of changing it felt wrong. Like losing another little piece of her mom. 

She opened up the photo gallery to look through the old pictures, and soon found herself lingering on one of her favorites. It was from her eleventh birthday, when her mom had taken her to a cat cafe, and the server had photographed them together with four different cats in frame. Yuri had always begged her mother for a pet cat as a child, but their apartment building didn't allow animals. On that day, her mom drove her all the way to the capitol city, since there weren't any such establishments nearby, and let her spend the entire day, open to close, with the kitties.

There were so many things about her mom that Yuri had only realized after she was gone—

Her decisiveness and certainty only became apparent as Yuri drifted aimlessly from day to day, like a boat at sea with no fuel. 

Her resolve only sunk in after Yuri started working, and realized how exhausting it must have been to handle multiple concurrent jobs, all while raising a child alone. 

Her attunement to Yuri was only realized when the girl struggled so hopelessly to communicate and be fully understood by anyone else in her absence.

Yuri had gathered, both from television and from her classmates' complaints, that most teenagers got along poorly with their parents, but her mother had been her best friend. Sure, they argued, and Yuri was often scolded like any other child, but even so, her mother was the person who _listened._ Who made sense of the chaotic world around her, and made her feel safe. Without her mom leading the way, Yuri was crippled by anxiety, unable to take a step in any direction, and she hated herself for this failure.

A knock jolted the purple-haired girl back to reality. "Young lady?" A muffled voice called. She hastily closed her laptop as the door swung open a moment later, and looked up to greet her aunt.

"H-hi, Auntie."

"Uh… hi, sweetie." Auntie eyed the laptop and shifted her gaze back to Yuri. "Y'know, it's perfectly fine to look at… uh, _adult websites_ in your private time, sweetheart, but you should really lock your door. The whole reason we put up the temporary wall in here was so you and Shota could have privacy…"

It took Yuri a few seconds to realize what she meant by 'adult websites,' and once it dawned on her, she furiously shook her head, feeling her cheeks heat up with shame. She only ever used her imagination if she was going to do… _that kind of dirty thing,_ and she absolutely made sure the door was locked. "N-no th-that's not what I was… I-I…" She huffed, giving up on hiding it. Glancing over at the closed computer, she explained, "I was l-looking at pictures of mom."

Her aunt frowned and entered the room, taking a seat at the foot of her bed. "Is there a reason you feel like that's something you need to hide?"

Yuri swung her legs over the side of the bed and sat upright. "I… I don't know. Just… i-it's been four years. Is it really okay for me to still be so… _stuck_? I… th-thought you'd be disappointed." She stared at her knees as she spoke.

"That's nothing to be ashamed about," Auntie said, touching Yuri's back. "I still miss Emi a lot too, and I think about her _every single day_." There was a few moments' pause. "Y'know you can talk to me, sweetheart. About anything."

Yuri nodded back, wordlessly. 

_An ironic reply, isn't it?_

Her conversations with her aunt were normally pretty one-sided. Yuri felt terribly guilty about her whole living situation, and engaging with her family brought those feelings to the forefront of her mind. How they'd been guilted into accepting her into their home. How she was a parasite of space and money and time. How she was too inept to interact with them like a normal daughter would. 

This, combined with her usual anxiety about conversation, made talking to Auntie and Uncle quite unpleasant. She typically avoided extended interactions by giving short, simple answers to their questions, and leaving her room as little as possible. If she could stay out of the way, she could at least _minimize_ the negative impact of her existence, to some extent.

After several seconds of silence, her aunt let out a sigh. "Well, anyway, I came up here to say thank you for watching Shota yesterday, and for getting the big box of donuts the other day. They were a lifesaver for me, coming home from work at one in the morning. Oh, and you have a shift tonight, right?"

"Mmhmm, starting at five," Yuri replied.

"Alright, make sure you eat dinner first, or at least bring something with you."

"Oh!" The girl interjected. "Th-that reminds me! Is it okay if I cook dinner s-sometime during the week instead of tomorrow? I'm supposed to go to my friend's house to help prepare our club for the cultural festival." 

Yuri usually cooked for the family on Sundays, while her aunt and uncle handled all the other days of the week. She wasn't sure how much time she would be spending with Sayori, though, so she wanted to play it safe.

"Yeah, of course!" Auntie replied with a smile. "You took care of Shota yesterday, so that can count as your cooking day for this week, alright? I'm glad you're getting closer with your club friends, honey." 

With one last smile, she closed the door, and Yuri was once again safely isolated in her partition of the bedroom. She took a deep breath to calm herself, and reclined in the bed once more. Yuri had a couple hours before her shift started, and she wanted to get into the right headspace, so she reached backwards and plucked her favorite fidget cube from her desk. It was a little toy covered in buttons, switches, faders, and other tactile implements that helped her stay grounded when she was nervous. 

Being a delivery driver was usually alright. Most people just said 'hello' and 'thank you,' and handed over their credit card, and that was _it_. She didn't have to talk as much as she would if she were a waitress, or if she ran the phones, but sometimes it could be hard. Occasionally, people would ask questions about the restaurant, or make small talk throughout the whole interaction, or yell at her when she was given the wrong order to deliver, or even catcall her. The situations varied, but always ended the same— she either shut down, became a stuttering mess, or some combination of both. As she sat, twiddling with the fidget cube, Yuri prayed that she could get through the shift without any major issues.

* * *

  
  


She'd driven a few blocks and made a couple turns, so Yuri figured it was safe to pull over. Once the car was in park, she double-checked that all the doors were locked and leaned her head against the steering wheel. Her breaths were still ragged and labored as she held on with white knuckles, and the deep cut in her arm, which seemed to be getting infected despite multiple applications of antibiotics, was throbbing horribly with each pulse in her bloodstream.

She'd had to park further away from that last delivery than she typically liked to, and there had been a man smoking outside the apartment building when she got there. If it had stopped with the questions about why she wasn't _smiling_ and the other inane comments, she would have just written it off as another shitty experience, but it was more than that. 

The _whole time_ she'd been waiting for the customer to come to the front door, he'd leered at her and continued spouting off nonsense. His staring persisted the entire time she was interacting with the customer (who had offered no sympathy, much less help). And then, when she left, he'd _followed her._ She'd sprinted the last few hundred meters, nearly dropping the delivery bag as she dashed into the vehicle, started it, and sped off. He hadn't given chase once she'd started running, or at least she hadn't heard him, but it was traumatizing nonetheless.

Was he just trying to scare her? Was her body, clad in a baggy "Avi's Pizza" windbreaker and plain khakis, really so alluring to make him want to gawk at her? She'd thought it did a good enough job of hiding her chest— was she wrong? Did looks even matter to those kinds of perverts?

She felt a hot tear tickle the bridge of her nose and fall away. It wasn't fair. She didn't want this attention. She didn’t want to stand out, with a ‘conventionally attractive,’ feminine body. It didn’t feel right, not to mention that it made her a target for jealous girls and lusty boys who would otherwise leave her alone. 

Yuri didn’t want to be a rival to be envied or overtaken or _attacked_.

Yuri didn't want to be an object to be sought after or conquered or _ogled._

Why did so many people have to see her those ways?

Letting out a shaky breath, the purple-haired delivery worker sat back upright. She had one more delivery on this run, and she could ask for a break once she got back to the shop. She recognized the next address as a regular who ordered every week or two— it was a unit in a nice condo complex, with a friendly middle-aged guy who always thanked her profusely and tipped generously.

Taking off and soon arriving at the familiar street, Yuri parked where she knew she wasn't blocking any of the neighbors' parking spots, and walked up to the door. This area was well lit, and seemed like a much safer neighborhood than the last stop. Outside the car, she noticed her hands were shaking as she carried the three pizza boxes. Before knocking, she tried to take a deep breath and calm herself, but the door swung open before she even placed a foot on the steps. 

_Dammit. Okay, calm down Yuri, it's no big—_

"Hello! Oh— _Yuri?_ Is that you?" A high-pitched, feminine voice sang out.

It was... Monika? What was she doing here?

"M-Monika? I-I didn't know you lived here. I deliver to this unit all the time..."

"Oh yeah, my dad's boyfriend always answers the door, but it's just me and Natsuki here tonight... Say, are you... okay?"

Yuri felt a rush of adrenaline. How awful did she look that Monika had noticed so quickly despite the night time lighting and her work hat? And why did Monika and Natsuki need three large pizzas between the two of them?!?

_This isn't Monika's problem. And you're overreacting anyway. Blowing it out of proportion with your stupid anxiety. Stupid. Unstable. She shouldn't have to pretend to worry about you._

"I… uh… n-no I'm okay, thanks. H-here," she handed the boxes over. "That'll be f-fifty eight thirteen."

_Please just take them and let me leave, please, please, please!_

Monika frowned as she handed over sixty five dollars. "Keep the change, okay? Are you sure you're alright? You look shaken…"

Trying her best to hide her internal panic, Yuri turned around, calling over her shoulder as she walked back to her car, "Th-thank you. Enjoy your pizza. Goodnight."

_Fuck, you just ignored her question you idiot! You're acting so weird! She's gonna hate you if she doesn't already!_

Back in her car, Yuri drove off a little too quickly and had to brake hard at the stop sign at the end of the street. Cursing herself under her breath, she sighed and continued the five minute drive back to the shop. Leaving her car near the dumpster in the back, she retrieved the delivery bags from the back seat and swung open the heavy metal back-door of the shop.

She dropped the bags in the pile near the door and set off into the kitchen, debating whether or not to ask for a break. Maybe she'd be okay if—

"Oh hey, Yuri, you're back." Emerging from the walk-in freezer with a plastic container, the 'manager' of sorts, Mayumi, greeted her. "Are you alright? You… seem a little shaken up. Did something happen?" 

_What the hell?!? Am I that plain to read?!?_

Mayumi was (probably) in her late twenties, and Yuri quite liked her. She was a hard-working, and caring woman, (both for the wellbeing of the restaurant, and that of its employees), who never forced Yuri to talk too much, but also made sure she wasn't left out.

Yuri floundered for words for a moment, stammering, before she could muster a sentence. "Um… I-I'm okay. N-not hurt or anything. Just… a guy was catcalling me at that first stop, and he was really creepy and persistent, and then he ended up following my back to m-my car and—" 

Yuri's breathing had gotten a bit heavier at some point. Frowning, Mayumi handed the container off to the cook and walked over. With a gentle hand on her shoulder, she guided Yuri to the office in the back. It was a tiny, cramped room off the side of the storage area by the back door, with a desk and two chairs. Despite the claustrophobic space, Yuri appreciated the reprieve from the hectic, bustling kitchen.

Mayumi sat down at the desk, and Yuri took the other seat. "He didn't touch you, did he?"

_Ew ew ew_

"N-no, I started running a little while after we were o-outside the light from the building, a-and I don't know if he chased me or not, but he never caught me, so…"

"Good... Are you okay?" Mayumi asked again, "like, _actually_ okay?"

Yuri looked up at her, then quickly broke away as her dismay from earlier welled up again. Thinking of that man sent a shiver through her body and made her feel just a little bit queasy. She felt a hand fall upon her shoulder, gently squeezing.

"I'm sorry you had to deal with that, Yuri. It sounds like it was scary. I'd give you a hug, but I have a feeling that's not exactly your thing. Just… you have my sympathy, okay? If anything like this happens again, don't hesitate to tell me. I’ll _always_ be on your side."

Yuri nodded. Mayumi was so nice— probably one of the few people Yuri _would_ enjoy a hug from, but she didn't have the courage to say that. Was this what it felt like to have an older sibling in good terms? Maybe not but… Mayumi made her feel safe.

Flipping a notebook that was lying on the desk to a new page, the woman sighed. "Alright, let me take down a description of the guy and I'll let the police know there's a creep who lurks by that apartment building. Then you can go home early, and I'll punch you out at closing time, okay?"

Yuri opened her mouth to protest but was immediately shushed. She meekly nodded. “Th-thank you, Mayumi…"

The woman placed the pen down and sighed. "You need to value yourself, Yuri, alright? Your mental health is important. If customers are calling, asking us to check in on you because they're concerned, it means you're _far_ past the point where you should have just come back to the shop and let us send someone else out, for _your_ sake. We can deal with being a little shorthanded if it means keeping a healthy work environment. You're part of our team, Yuri, and nobody wants to see their teammates suffering."

_Customers calling in? Monika..._

Yuri didn't know how to feel about this. It was nice, in some small way, to know that Monika cared enough about her wellbeing to act, but the other girl forcing herself into Yuri's work situation felt… violating. _Humiliating._

She nodded in response to Mayumi, then provided all that she could recall about the creeper's appearance before heading home. 

For the duration of her drive home, Yuri went back and forth between stewing about the guy who followed her and stewing over Monika's interference. She was so wrapped up in her thoughts that she accidentally drove past her street and had to go around the block. Luckily, the streetside parking spots in the complex of townhouses that her family lived in were well lit, and Yuri had an assigned spot just ten or fifteen meters from her home. Despite all this, she still felt unsafe being outside alone. She ran the short distance from the car to the door.

She could see from the blue light on the blinds that the TV was on in the living room, and once she unlocked the deadbolt, she found her aunt relaxing on the sofa.

"Oh? Hey there, young lady, you're home early," she greeted with a smile.

"H-hi, Auntie," Yuri replied.

The smile immediately vanished from Auntie's face. "Are you alright, sweetheart? You look upset." She fumbled with the remote for a moment and muted the television, setting her wine glass down on an end table.

Yuri screamed internally. It was so unfair how much she struggled to understand others but they could all read her like a glowing traffic sign. She just wanted to get in the shower and be _alone_ and maybe bring a knife to release _just a little bit_ and then treat this stupid infected cut that woudln't stop _throbbing_ and get in bed. She felt a stinging behind her eyes as this frustration piled on top of the mountainous heap of negative emotions that had been building within her _all night_ , threatening to cause an avalanche.

"I… j-just… Work was… _hard_ today, I guess. It's nothing."

Auntie looked her up and down for a moment. "C'mere," she said, patting the couch cushion right next to her. Yuri obeyed and sat down, just to feel an arm wrap around her shoulders. "It seems like it's really bothering you. Can you tell me about it?"

Yuri huffed. She'd already explained it to Mayumi, and she really didn't want to think about it anymore, but she also didn't want to disappoint Auntie by ignoring her…

"Well… I was out on a delivery, at an apartment complex, a-and I had to park somewhat far away in the dark. Th-there was a man smoking outside the building, and he was s-staring and catcalling me the whole time I waited for the customer. And afterward, he followed me away from the building, s-so I had to run to my car, and…"

She felt her aunt tense up, then pull her closer. "I'm sorry, sweetie, that sounds frightening. Did he bang on your car door or anything?"

"N-no, I managed to drive away. I s-still had a second stop to make on the run, a-and I was just gonna drop it off and then ask for a break, b-but the delivery ended up being for my friend Monika. She could tell that I was… _on edge._ A-and I told her it was fine, but she ended up calling the restaurant about it after I left, and then Mayumi made a big deal about it when I got back, and it just… I don't know."

"Hmmm… well it's good that you talked to Mayumi, but… did it hurt your feelings that your friend went behind your back? That she stuck her hands into your job?" This was just like the way her mom used to talk her through things. To help her understand and articulate her emotions.

Yuri nodded. "A-and it's just… _frustrating._ I don't understand people at all, a-and they can just… they just _know_ when I'm upset, and I don't know how to hide it, or how to read them the same way. And it's s-so hard to communicate with them— I either overthink things and come off as awkward and unlikable, o-or I let things slip that I wanted to keep inside, and make people hate me. It's not _fair!_ " She took a deep, shaky breath. She hadn't meant to launch into a full-on rant like that. "Do… d-do you think I'm on the autism spectrum, Auntie?" 

And like that, the question was out. Yuri was too nervous to look at her aunt, so she just kept staring at her knees. 

There were a few moments of silence, followed by a long exhale. "Well… yes. It wasn't called that at the time, but you were diagnosed when you were a toddler. Emi didn't want to tell you. She said she didn't want you growing up thinking you were some kind of _other_ , and since you were high-functioning enough to attend standard classes once you got to school age, she thought you'd be fine without that knowledge."

Auntie let out another sigh before she continued, "I… was against that decision… I figured you'd face, y'know, _unique struggles_ because of your condition, which would be harder to make sense of without the explanation, but… she was your mother and I… didn't want to go against her wishes."

_Why? Mom…_

Yuri felt hot tears on her face and hiccupped. Auntie pulled her into a full-on hug, guiding Yuri's face into her soft chest and stroking her hair. "I'm sorry, baby. I know it must hurt a lot to hear that."

"J-just… Why did she hide so much from me?!? Th _-this_ , and she told _you_ I was gay even though she said she wouldn't tell _anyone_ , and she refused to tell me _anything_ about who my father is, and she hid her cancer until… u-until..."

"Shhhhh. I know. I know. It wasn't because she didn't trust you, honey— Emi was just... _like that_. She always kept a lot to herself. It's because of how our parents treated her, but… Yuri, you don't have to do the same. You can come to me when things are bothering you. I know I'm not your mom, but… I want to fill that role. I really do love you with all my heart."

Yuri turned into an utter mess, sobbing and snotting all over her aunt's shirt. It was disgraceful. She was already useless, and now she was acting like _this_ on top of it…

"I'm s-sorry. I'm sorry you have to d-deal with me. Th-that I was just f-foisted upon you, a-and that I'm too… broken to just be a n-normal functioning part of your family."

"Shhhh. Enough of that, Yuri! Do you actually believe those things?!? Don't you _ever_ think like that," Auntie reprimanded with a stern tone. "Maybe you're a little different, but that doesn't make you _broken_ , or any less a part of the family. I think of you exactly like you're my own daughter, okay? You and Shota are more important to me than _anything in the world_."

Yuri couldn't bring herself to respond. She didn't deserve for Auntie to say those things about her. 

They sat in silence for minutes as Yuri gradually calmed down. Eventually the woman spoke again, calmly and quietly, as she rubbed circles in Yuri's back. "I was in my last semester of college when you were born, and your mother and I were sharing an apartment at the time. Your father was... _out of the picture_ before Emi even found out she was pregnant, so I ended up helping her raise you. Straight from when you were a newborn until you were about four or five. I changed hundreds of your diapers, and bottle fed you, and rocked you to sleep when you were the size of a... guinea pig?" She held her hands out in a way to approximate the size she was referring to. "I saw you take your first steps while you mom was at work, then I hid it from her so she wouldn't think she missed them. God, moving out of that flat to live with Uncle was one of the most painful experiences of my life… oh, honey…"

Yuri vaguely remembered being told as a child that Auntie used to live with her, but she didn't have any firsthand memories of that herself. Had Auntie really done that much for her when she was a baby? She felt herself squeezed tighter for a long moment. Her mother used to sit and hold her like this when she was upset...

"I've really missed hugging you, sweetie. You used to get so excited when you were younger and I came to visit, but you've been so... _distant_ ever since you moved in here. I've never wanted to push you very hard, since you've always been an introvert, but you can come to me, okay? I'm sure it's scary and confusing, trying to make sense of the world as a teenager with your… _disorder_ , but you can rely on me, okay?"

Something about that phrasing stung Yuri just a little bit, but she didn't say anything about it. It was what the D in ASD stood for after all, and Auntie was probably right anyway— maybe her (now-confirmed) autism was part of the reason she was so overwhelmed and stressed by basic daily life, while everyone else seemed to carry on just fine. Part of the reason she had to resort to such drastic coping strategies just to function.

For the first time in four years, Yuri nestled deeper into the embrace of a loving parent. Some little voice in her head was screaming about how undeserving she was, but she'd been hearing it for so long that it was starting to just blend into the background. She closed her eyes as Auntie's chin rested on her head, speaking up in a small, hoarse voice after a few minutes. "Who… who was my father? What was he like?"

"Heh… Emi asked me not to tell you until you were eighteen, but that's only two months away, so... _close enough_. Your mom was actually engaged to a long-time boyfriend before you were born. From age twenty one to twenty eight, she was with a guy named Min-hyuk. She was _crazy_ about him, but the one thing she wanted _more_ was to raise a family, and he wasn't on board for that. And that's where it gets a bit sketchy. Even though she was the one to break things off, she was _devastated_. She had a few, uhh… _rebound escapades_ after the split, and she _claims_ that's when you were conceived."

Yuri thought for a few moments, and realized that was a nice way of saying _one-night stands_.

"So her 'official story' was that she didn't remember his name, or even know which guy it was. But the thing is, you look _so much_ like Min-hyuk did. I kinda suspect that she stopped taking birth control without telling him shortly before the breakup."

Yuri sat quietly, trying to wrap her head around this situation. So she was either the result of a one-night-stand, or a lie? Somehow that fact didn't upset her all that much. The circumstances of her birth didn't bother her— she just wanted to know whether or not this 'Min-hyuk' man was actually her father, and if he was, what he was like.

"Do… d-do you think we could ask him?"

Yuri's head moved with the fall of her aunt's chest as the woman sighed. "I don't know if _he_ knows. We can try sometime, though. I should be able to track him down somehow. He came to the funeral, so he's probably still nearby. Do you _want_ me to try?"

Yuri very much did want her to try. "W-well… you're already so busy, a-and I don't want to make trouble for you…"

Auntie's chin brushed against the top of Yuri's hair as she shook her head. "Remember what I said, Yuri. You're one of my babies. I'd fight the world for you, okay?"

Even if she still felt a bit guilty, Yuri accepted that this was something her aunt wanted to do for her. She found herself smiling, as protective arms wrapped around her.

"Okay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My original plan was to have this chapter include some of Sayori/Yuri's festival prep, but this just felt like a really good place to end it. 
> 
> Since Yuri grew up with a single mother in a not-so-great neighborhood, I thought it would make sense for her to be weird about money, and not fully understand that her aunt's family is a bit better off.
> 
> (Her aunt is secretly putting all the money from these envelopes in a savings account for Yuri and matching the amount she gives)
> 
> Got this one out a bit faster than the last chapter, so I'm happy about that. I really hope you enjoyed.
> 
> If you want some more of my writing while I work on the next one, you can check out Fault (<https://archiveofourown.org/works/18651781/chapters/44232433>) It's a story, mostly from Natsuki's POV, where her and Yuri are flatmates in their early twenties, trying to make it in the world and deal with some very heavy issues. I just did a round of proofreading on everything but the epilogues, (which should be done soon) so there should be less mistakes than before!


	13. Muddled (Sayori)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuri is coming over on the Sunday before the festival to help with preparations, but also to have some serious conversations. How will it go?

Sayori wasn't sure what show was even supposed to be playing right now. Between losing herself scrolling on her phone and just _zoning out,_ she hadn't processed much of what the TV was showing, and it was playing ads the few times she'd looked up. She'd been half-watching one of those "How It's Made" factory documentaries with her dad before he went up to bed, but that was _hours ago_ by now. It was almost two thirty in the morning.

Why was she even awake? It wasn't like she was actually enjoying herself, bathed in abrasive blue light from a Clorox commercial while she looked at shitty memes on the various social media apps she lurked… so why had she put off sleeping to do… _this_? 

Probably because she didn't want it to be tomorrow. If she fell asleep, it meant she'd wake up on Sunday. Yuri was going to come over, expecting her to open up about her depression. The sweet, shy girl who _looked up to her_ , for some reason, was going to learn just how pathetic she really was.

Most people would probably give up on Sayori if they knew as much about her as the purple-haired girl had figured out. But Yuri was… _different_ from most people. Sayori didn't dislike the other girl for it, the way some girls at school seemed to, but she made her a little uneasy— Yuri's deafness to things like body language and social cues made her unpredictable— Harder to trick or dissuade with her arsenal of nonverbal skills. Able to think in unconventional ways. 

Sayori grumbled to herself, locking her phone. What was she so nervous about? Yuri already knew the gist of it anyway. What was left to hide but the specifics? She was just stressing about stuff that _basically_ already happened on that stupid bridge.

_She's gonna care. She's still gonna care, cause she's a sweet girl, and it's gonna hurt a lot._

With a resigned sigh, Sayori dragged her sorry self up the stairs. She half-heartedly brushed her teeth and told herself she'd floss tomorrow, knowing full well there was about a ten percent chance of that _actually_ happening. Lumbering over into her bedroom, Sayori flopped into bed, no need to change clothes, because she'd never gotten out of her pajamas that day (like a disgusting lout). She probably should have at least changed out her underwear, but it was too much effort to bother with right now— she'd just do it in the morning when she got dressed.

It was late, and Sayori was tired, but it still took a while to fall asleep— her thoughts were being mean to her tonight, and that always slowed the process. Eventually, though, she drifted off, and slept through what was left of the night. 

* * *

It was bright when she found herself being jostled awake by her little sister, Kei.

"Get up 'Yori! Mom says your friend's here!"

Sayori shot straight up. "What?!?" She looked at the clock and saw that it was just before one in the afternoon. "Aaah no!"

Kei fled the room to avoid the whirlwind of limbs that Sayori had become, as she flew to and fro, trying to get dressed and tidy up just a little. Now wearing a cat tee shirt and a pair of jean shorts, she looked over her trash heap of a room and felt a faint sting behind her eyes. This was going to be humiliating.

She rushed down the stairs to find both of her parents trying to make small talk with a visibly-anxious Yuri in the living room. Her brother was also there, having paused his video game and turned towards the conversation— a polite gesture to make guests feel more comfortable, which seemed to have the opposite effect with Yuri.

"Hi Yuri! I forgot to set an alarm— I'm really sorry!" 

The other girl looked towards her blankly, processing for a moment, then shook her head. "Th-that's okay. Thank you f-for having me."

Sayori really wasn't mentally prepared for Yuri to see her disaster of a room quite yet, but she knew her purple-haired friend was very nervous around strangers, and was currently trapped between three of them.

"Why don't I show you upstairs?" She said, to which Yuri nodded and quickly approached. The older girl was wearing a beige turtleneck sweater, and currently had the sleeves pulled down to cover all but the tips of her fingers, perfectly accentuating her shy personality. She had her usual schoolbag plus a few plastic grocery bags that seemed pretty full. Together they climbed to the second floor, and with a gulp, Sayori opened the door to her bedroom.

"Uh… here's my room," she announced with a nervous giggle. Yuri stepped inside and set down her bags on a clear spot of floor. Her eyes wandered curiously around the space as she shuffled about, peering closely at the house plants and books that populated the shelves.

_She probably thinks it's gross. She's probably regretting coming here._

"Did you eat lunch before you came over?" Sayori asked.

"I, um… wasn't sure if I was expected to or not, s-so I ate just a little bit. I could go with or without."

Sayori nodded. "Okay, well I'm gonna go get… uh… _breakfast_ ," she felt herself blush. "I'll bring something up for you."

Closing the door behind her, Sayori ran downstairs and looked through the fridge, scanning through all the leftover takeout and delivery boxes. 

_Pizza's easy enough, right? No, wait, stupid! She works at a pizza place, so she's probably sick of that. Hmm..._

She decided on lo mein from their local Chinese restaurant. (One of the inauthentic but _very delicious_ ones.) It would require chopsticks, which would be annoying to deal with in the bedroom, but pizza was the only option that could be eaten with hands alone. She heated up two plates in the microwave, gathered two pairs of chopsticks, and shot up the stairs, carrying the… Breakfast? Lunch? — _Meal._ When she was about to open the door to her room, she realized she hadn't put on deodorant when she got dressed, and had now been wearing this pair of underpants for nearly forty eight hours. She hadn't showered since Friday morning either.

_Ugh! Stupid gross stinky icky TRASH PERSON…_ she would have pulled at her hair if her hands weren't full. Sayori cursed herself as she scuttled over to the bathroom and set the food on the counter. She could at least fix _one_ of those problems before returning. _Of course_ , though, she couldn't find her deodorant stick— she must have wandered to her bedroom with it at some point and left it there— so she used her sister's instead. This brand made her skin itchy, but _whatever._ If it meant not grossing her friend out, she could deal.

Already feeling like she was at her wit's end, Sayori scooped up the noodle plates and made her way back to her room. She got the door open with some difficulty and found Yuri standing by her window and skimming through one of the novels from her shelf.

"That one's okay. The plot's pretty generic, but the supporting characters are really... memorable," Sayori explained.

"I've actually read the whole series," Yuri admitted with a nod and a light blush. "I-it's a bit of a guilty pleasure, but I indulge in Y.A. fiction too."

Sayori lit up. She hadn't expected that Yuri, who seemed to have such refined tastes, would share an interest in _that kind_ of literature with her. Maybe they could read books from that genre together at club, and talk about their favorite parts...

Sayori placed Yuri's plate down on her desk, and sat down on the bed. "Uh… sorry my room is such a mess," she said, looking down at the floor and feeling just a little bit of heat in her cheeks. She took a bite of her 'breakfast' to distract from the shame. Food was always a pretty good distraction, if she was honest.

"Oh, th-that's okay," Yuri said, walking over to settle in the desk chair. "My room is cluttered, too, so I'm in no position to criticize you." Yuri looked at all the objects in the desk, lifting a couple of the books to read the spines and playing with a fidget spinner that she found lying around. Then, before Sayori even knew what was happening, Yuri was rifling through her desk drawers as she continued, "N-not disorganized, I guess, s-since I love cleaning, but just… too small for the amount of stuff I have in it, I suppose. Besides, I read th-that this kind of thing is a common symptom of depression, so I don't b-blame you."

Sayori was so taken aback that she couldn't bring herself to speak for a long moment. A half chewed bit of lo mein fell out of her mouth and back onto her plate.

_Who does that?!?_

"I wouldn't mind helping you clean if—"

"—Yuri! What the heck are you doing?" Sayori exclaimed as the other girl pulled open the bottom drawer.

Yuri turned towards her with a look of startled confusion. Genuine. _Innocent_. 

"W-what? ...O-oh, I-I'm sorry! Should I not have…?"

_Does she not realize that that's a weird thing to do?_

Sayori let out an exasperated huff. "You don't just go _looking through_ other peoples _drawers_."

"Oh, r-right. I'm sorry. I... knew that. Just… I wasn't thinking for some reason."

_Wow, okay, she's lying... to hide the fact that she didn't realize what she did was wrong? Isn't that, like, backwards??? I guess she's embarrassed?_

Sayori studied Yuri's reddening face as the girl avoided eye contact. Then she watched that face go pale as Yuri's eyes fell upon the rope in the still-open drawer.

"S-Sayori… is this..."

_Oh no. No no no. We weren't supposed to get to this part so soon..._

Tears glossed over Yuri's lilac eyes as she looked between Sayori and the rope.

"L-let's finish eating before we talk about that kind of stuff, okay?" Sayori weakly asked, fixing her gaze to her food.

"....Mmm." A reluctant hum was the only reply she got from Yuri, after a long pause.

Sayori ate slowly and deliberately, trying to gather her thoughts for the impending conversation. Why had she even offered to talk about this? It wasn't worth wasting Yuri's time over. It was just… the purple haired girl had looked so _sad_ and so _down on herself_ for not having done anything to help her, and it had just slipped out…

She snuck a peek at Yuri, who had pulled her legs up onto the chair with her, hugging them close, and was now vigorously fiddling with a lock of her hair. Even now, marinating in apprehension, Sayori couldn't help but think her friend's shyness was adorable, at least for a moment.

But eventually she ran out of food and couldn't stall anymore, and Yuri, sitting by her untouched plate of noodles, stared at her with pleading eyes. Sayori let out a sigh and hugged her arms around herself. "So, uuuh… I guess we can… talk about it now…"

Yuri nodded, intense concentration on her face. 

Sayori shuddered and looked down into her lap. "So I've had... it… basically for my whole life. B-but it's gotten worse since the beginning of high school, I guess." Yuri nodded as she listened. 

"Most of the time I just feel _nothing_ . I laugh at jokes, and I smile when I get to see my friends, but it's usually just… shallow imitations of real joy, if that makes sense. And when I'm not feeling numb like that, I feel _awful_ . Just… how useless and stupid and _broken_ I am… it hits me _all at once,_ and I just feel terrible for _existing_ , and… I don't know. It's like the sun is completely covered with rain clouds. There's no warmth or light, and I just…" 

A tear rolled down Sayori's face. She didn't dare look up to meet Yuri's gaze. "I-it's why I want to make everyone else happy. If I can help other people… maybe it'll make up for how worthless I am otherwise, y'know? Like _something_ positive will come out of my life, however small. But I'm not even cut out for that. I need to carefully hide… _this—_ how I really am. Or else I'll just bring everybody down instead of building them up. It would defeat the whole purpose if they had to waste their time worrying about me, but it takes so much energy to hide. And then I also have to walk this tightrope, trying to help my friends without letting them get too attached to me, so I'm not holding them back once they're better… It's all so _tiring_ , and... lately, it feels like I have nothing left to give."

There was a long pause before she heard anything from Yuri. "I… I'm sorry. Y-you spent so much time comforting me this past week… I didn't realize it was hurting you." The other girl's voice sounded so defeated.

_Of course she's latching on to the first opportunity to blame herself._

Sayori shook her head and looked up. "N-no, Yuri, that's not… that's not how it works, or… I don't know. Not _exactly_ . I was _glad_ to help you, I promise."

"But—"

"—And it was actually really calming and nice, sitting by the river with you the other day." Sayori hadn't really thought through it before, but she sorta came to realize in that moment _why_ she had enjoyed that time so much. "Like… I'm kind of an extrovert, but usually all the energy I get from being around people goes into the whole _'cheerful air-head'_ facade. But… I actually felt like I could recharge, spending that time with you."

Yuri smiled weakly, despite the circumstances of the conversation, and despite still being on the verge of tears. "I… I'm glad. Th-that you were able to recharge, I mean. I'd like to keep s-spending time with you, as long as you're not sick of me, or too… _tired_ . You make me feel… _at ease_ , i-in a certain way I don't feel around anyone else. You really are a special person, S-Sayori. I know that it's hard for you to see that, but… y-you are."

Sayori couldn't help but blush slightly. It was always really embarrassing, and confusing, and a little bit _painful_ to get compliments from people. "Th-that's sweet, Yuri. Thanks. And we can definitely spend more time together."

Yuri nodded with another nervous smile. Then she looked down at the rope in the drawer beside her, pulling it partly onto her lap. "This… i-it's really scaring me, Sayori. I..." She trailed off.

"What? Didn't you say you've… _thought about it_ too?" Sayori asked, feeling just a little bit betrayed. The whole spiel Yuri had given on the bridge seemed to indicate that she also...

"I…" Yuri stopped to collect her thoughts for a moment, as a lonely tear escaped her eye. "I-I'd argue that... th-thinking about suicide with some kind of _vague longing_ , and actually p-preparing a plan and a… a _method_ ," she lifted the rope for a moment, "th-they're two different things."

Sayori felt her eyes start to sting. This was awful. Humiliating. But by the look on her face, Yuri seemed to be conflicted— maybe hiding something? Telling a half-truth? Had she gotten closter than she was letting on? Sayori's mind tried to pull away on this tangent, but she knew she had to say _something_ in response. "W-well it's been there for a while, and I've never actually _tried…_ I've never even tied the noose, so it's not _that bad,_ right? I just sorta... brought it up here on impulse one day…"

Tears began to quietly spill over Sayori's eyelids. What kind of nonsense was she even saying? Shitty excuses. This was terrible. Everything was terrible. She hid her face in her hands 

It was clear that Yuri cared deeply about her. It was nice, in a way, but it also felt like a bat being swung against her head. So much guilt and shame and frustration. Yuri was so sweet, but also so misunderstood and so _alone,_ and for some reason she had latched on to _Sayori,_ of all people. She deserved to have someone better as a lifeline. More capable hands. Someone who wasn't in an equally vulnerable state. 

Who was she kidding, saying 'equally?" She was worse. A lot worse.

The bed next to Sayori compressed, and she felt Yuri's arms wrap gingerly around her. Sayori's chest felt painfully tight. If only she'd had the courage to just _do it_ before the fragile girl had become attached to her. Everyone would be better off.

Her parents would have been sad for a little while, but eventually they'd have realized how much easier it was with two smart, talented kids and no _problem child_ . Em would have been forced to find better friends sooner, and… nobody else would have even cared. Sayori made a lot of friends at school, but she kept most of them at arm's length. Yuri wouldn't have been in danger of following her, since she'd just be a _stranger_ , and Monika would have found somebody more competent to help run her club…

But now she'd missed the opportunity. She'd gotten selfish, and reconnected with Em… let Monika confide in her… taken advantage of Yuri's loneliness. She was too deeply entangled to make her exit without causing a lot of damage.

"I'm sorry, Yuri."

"You don't have anything to ap-pologize for."

Sayori sniffled. "But I just… I wish I was... _better_. I know you think highly of me, but… I think I'm too broken to deserve it. Like, there's only so far I'll be able to help you along before I become deadweight and hold you back."

She felt Yuri tense up. "Th-that's why I'm here today. B-because so far it's only been _me_ who's the deadweight. I want… I-I want us to take turns dragging each other forward. That way, e-even if we're moving slower, n-neither of us will get stuck." There was a moment of silence before Yuri spoke again. "Th-that was a cheesy metaphor. I'm sorry."

Sayori did one of those burnt-out, half-laugh things that happen when you find something amusing in the midst of a breakdown. "That's alright. It was cute," she said. 

Yuri blushed in response. She cleared her throat after a moment. "I-I don't want you to feel this way, Sayori. You're not a burden. I can't speak for a-anyone I don't know, but… it's not a coincidence that all four of us in the club care about you so m-much. You deserve it. We each get s-something positive from you, and it's really not the same when you're absent. Monika and Natsuki have both said so." The girl nodded as she concluded, before hastily tacking on, "A-and I agree, of course."

Was that really true? Sayori couldn't imagine them missing her when she wasn't around. Well… Monika talked to her outside of club sometimes, so it kinda made sense in her case, but Natsuki always seemed pretty indifferent. Still, Yuri wasn't lying here. (It was easy to tell, because she was an awful liar.)

If Yuri was telling the truth, did it mean they _really_ didn't mind her? She always thought her depression made her burdensome and useless. Could it be that the depression only made her _think_ she was burdensome and useless? Even considering it felt like such a lie. A copout to excuse her awful existence. Sayori just _knew_ she was scum. She always had known, somewhere deep down, and there was no way that her being scum wouldn't somehow poison those close to her. Still, though, they felt like they were getting something positive?

Sayori would need some time to think it over. As she wiped her eyes dry on her arm, she felt Yuri perk up for a moment. Sayori looked over expectantly. "D-did you want to say something else?

"Oh, s-sorry. I've been t-trying to come up with a fitting analogy since we first started talking, and I think I've f-found one. Have you heard of eating disorders like bulimia and anorexia?"

"Mhmm," Sayori hummed. She wasn't intimately familiar with that kind of stuff, but a YouTube animator she followed had made a video opening up about her struggles with eating disorders earlier that year, so she was at least vaguely aware.

"W-well, a lot of people with eating disorders have s-something called body dysmorphia. And because of it, e-even if they get dangerously thin, with v-visible ribs and stick-like limbs, some of these people look in the mirror and perceive an obese person."

Sayori nodded as her friend continued, "I think that's s-similar to the way your depression has warped your view of yourself. You b-brighten everyone's day… you make people feel so _welcome_ and _s-special_ and _important_ , but somehow, you think you're harming them, or _using_ them."

_'You only feel that way because I'm the first person who's shown you kindness.'—_ that was Sayori's first thought, but saying that would be super hurtful to Yuri, so she kept quiet. 

Despite that, though, a small seed of doubt— of hope— was growing within her. If Yuri's comparison was accurate, it would explain the nice things Monika and Natsuki had apparently said in her absence.

A couple minutes passed before the awkward silence in the room was broken by a scratching sound on the door. Yuri perked up.

"S-Sayori… is that… do you have a _cat_?"

Glancing quizzically at her friend's notable reaction, Sayori replied, "Two actually. You're not allergic, are you?"

The older girl's long hair danced as she shook her head enthusiastically, a shy smile growing on her face. 

_Wow, she must really like cats. This is super cute._

She'd never seen Yuri display this kind of childlike excitement before.

"I'll go let him in," Sayori said with a grin, walking towards the door. 

Yuri nodded and took a deep breath, trying to take on a relaxed demeanor, but her enthusiasm still showed through. It would be okay, though— Fatty was very sociable for a cat, and would pretty much always greet visitors, even if they didn't know proper cat etiquette. She opened the door and the green-eyed feline came strutting into the room.

"So this is Jimi," she announced, "at least on his vet records, but we really only call him his nickname, _Fatty_."

Yuri watched eagerly as the tuxedo-patterned kitty rubbed his cheek on the bedpost. She sat perfectly still on the bed to make her lap inviting, and even slow-blinked at the cat when he looked up at her. The older girl clicked her tongue to beckon him over, and after carefully examining the ledge for several seconds, the animal leapt up onto the bed.

"Hello, kitty," said Yuri in a whispery, high-pitched voice that sounded quite silly, especially for something coming from _her_. Fatty began to resonate with an attention-demanding purr, and the girl quickly obliged, scratching his cheek as he rubbed against her. "Do those big mean humans make fun of you? You look skinny enough to me, yes you do. Such a handsome gentleman with those big, glorious whiskers, aren't you?"

Yuri's stutter was notably absent as she spoke in this goofy voice. Was it because speaking in that manner required extra processing time, which let Yuri's words catch up to her thoughts, or had the cat helped to lift whatever dark cloud of anxiety normally hung so thickly around her?

"He used to be a lot fatter in his prime," Sayori explained as she walked over. She stroked the top of the cat's head gently, where he now stood on Yuri's lap. "But he's just a skinny old man nowadays. Aren't you, Mr. Senior citizen?" Fatty leaned in as she scratched behind his ears. "Have you had cats before, Yuri? It seems like you know how to act with them."

Yuri shook her head, smiling at the soft animal in her lap. "No, b-but my mom took me to a cat café in the capitol twice, and I watch a lot of youtube videos about cat care. There used to be an outdoor cat that lived near my place, too, and it would let me pet it sometimes. N-none of the apartments I've lived in have allowed pets, though."

Something about the shy girl researching cat care and behavior even though she couldn't have one was really endearing. _Earnest_. 

Sayori sat down beside her guest, and Fatty stepped from Yuri's legs onto hers. "Fatty, you see me every day! Go spend more time with Yuri!"

The cat stared at her face blankly for a few seconds and jumped down onto the floor, where he walked over to her wardrobe and scratched at the door with a meow.

Sayori rolled her eyes. "Why do you want in?!? You only ever sit in there for like _five minutes_!" She wasn't gonna open it for him, but then she saw the look of adoration on Yuri’s face as she observed his antics. With a sigh, she stood up and opened the wardrobe door. "If you poop in there I'm gonna cook you for dinner," she warned. Irreverently, the kitty sprung into the dresser, assuming loaf form atop some of the clothes piled at the bottom.

"I love him," Yuri said. "Ooh, i-is that a ukelele?" She asked, leaning over for a better look at the soft-shelled instrument case that also resided in the wardrobe.

"Mhmm," Sayori hummed. "I've been bad about practicing lately, but I can play all the basic major and minor chords and stuff. Nothing too crazy. Why?— do you play too?"

"N-no," Yuri replied, fiddling with some of her hair. "I have a cheap _Toys R Us_ guitar from when I was a kid, a-and I mess around with it sometimes, but I have no idea about... chord _names_ or m-music theory or anything."

"Oh, well that's cool too. As long as you have fun, right?"

The purple-haired girl nodded back. "I-I was gonna ask what kind of music you like, s-since I didn't get to the other day. The bus..."

"Oh, right, we got interrupted, didn't we? Hmm… the stuff I like is all pretty basic. I'd never even heard of half the genres you mentioned the other day. But yeah, I love piano ballads and, like, pop songs that have real instruments instead of synthesizers, so I kinda cherry-pick those kinds of songs from all the big pop artists. Not that I dislike electronic sounds, but… they don't make me feel stuff the same way as a guitar or a piano or, like, cello. Oh, and like you mentioned the other day, those lo-fi stations that have all the chopped up vintage piano sounds!"

Yuri smiled back for a second before it melted away into a more distressed expression, and she looked off to the side. Sayori could tell she wanted to say something, but needed some time to formulate her thoughts, so she stopped herself from asking what was wrong.

Soon enough, Yuri spoke. "You… y-you don't have to call your taste 'basic.' I'm sorry for… being a way that might m-make you feel ashamed to bring up your interests. I know that I can come off as s-sort of an elitist at times— that I can be... _judgy_. B-but I'd love to hear you play sometime, whether it's mainstream pop or anything else."

Yuri must have taken Natsuki’s criticisms to heart, even if they were overly harsh. Sayori smiled back at her. “Sure, I’ll play for you sometime.”

Soon just as Sayori predicted, Fatty left the closet and sauntered out of the room. Yuri eventually started working on her plate of lo mein as the pair continued to chat between the stretches of decreasingly-awkward silence that eventually became comfortable. Conversation certainly had an atypical flow when the purple-haired girl was around, but Sayo still enjoyed it. 

She told Yuri about her other cat, Tiny, who usually hid when there was company, but might come out eventually. Yuri asked about Sayori's childhood, seemingly delighted by each story about shenanigans that she, Em, and their respective siblings would get into. They talked some more about music, as well as movies and online media they enjoyed, and Sayori showed the other some of her favorite funny animal videos. 

They even talked some more about their issues. Yuri tried to share some grounding strategies from the internet that she found helpful. Among other things, they helped Sayori piece together how she _worked_ . It seemed that Yuri's hopelessness and self-hatred came as a _result_ of her anxiety and its effects. She felt worthless because of the apprehension that paralyzed her— Preventing her from acting. Pushing her toward avoidance. 

It was like the inverse of how Sayori herself felt. For Sayori, the anxiety was a side effect, as she worried about how her awful, toxic self would poison those around her. There was something poetic about how their situations had converged from different starting places. _Poetic and awful._

After another hour or so, Sayori was playing a meme compilation on her phone for Yuri when they heard a soft knock on the door. "Come in," Sayori called, and Em opened the door.

"Hey, are you girls ready to get festive?" He deadpanned in the least enthusiastic, most monotone voice he could muster.

"Ha. Ha. Very funny. You can go write on plates alone if you're gonna act so unhappy to be here. We didn't have to invite you to the cool kid club," Sayori sassed.

"H-hi," Yuri added, almost _visually_ retreating back into her shell. Sayori had expected this, though. Hopefully she'd warm up again over time.

But as Em lowered himself onto the floor and sat cross-legged, something about him seemed off. Something she couldn't quite pin down made her think he was hurting inside. Maybe a subtle facial expression, or something stiff in his body language... He was definitely trying to hide it, though, so she decided to wait until she could get him alone to ask about it. Exposing him in front of Yuri, if he didn't want her to know, would be mean.

Em took out his stack of little papers plates and his marker, and let out a heavy sigh. Monika had provided a surprisingly long spiel for him to write on each one, so he was in for some tedious, hand-cramping work. Yuri had joined him, pulling a notebook from one of her bags and opening it to a fresh page.

Sayori shoved a pile of dirty clothes and other debris under her bed so that she could sit on the floor as well. "So… do you have any ideas for making the table look nice?"

Yuri nodded and began scribbling in her notebook. "M-Monika said she wants to set up the table across the doorway like this, so it l-looks like a service window, almost." She flipped the notebook to reveal a crudely drawn diagram. (Her drawing skills were _surprisingly bad_ , for someone who enjoyed creative media so much.) "It seems like a bit of a fire hazard, b-but I agree that it would look cool."

Sayori nodded. "Ha, I guess it is blocking the exit, kinda, but it should be okay. There's the second door at the back, in case anything happens."

She saw Em glance over, clearly more interested in their conversation than writing the same thing in one hundred plates. _Poor boy._

Yuri continued, "I figured we could enhance the effect by hanging a b-banner across the top, and one on each side, vertically. We could fold or cut them so they're all flush with the edge of the table, a-and it looks like one big rectangle with a window in it."

"Ooh, that'll be neat!"

Yuri nodded. "I-I got the three banners a-and this tablecloth from the store. We can p-paint them all with the same colors so it seems cohesive."

Sayori frowned as Yuri pulled the banners and paint from her bag. She realized the girl had bought _fabric_ banners with grommets, rather than the long rolls of poster paper everyone was expecting, and a real tablecloth. It was probably at least forty dollars worth of stuff, once you counted the paints as well. "Yuri… this stuff seems kind of expensive…"

"D-don't worry. We had the paint already, and my Auntie has an account at the craft store. Sh-she went with me this morning, and insisted that I use her rewards points to get nicer materials, and it was mostly covered."

It took everything Sayori had to keep from gushing _'awwww'_ out loud when Yuri said _'my Auntie,'_ but she managed. She was glad that Yuri hadn't spent too much— She couldn't imagine that working two nights per week earned the girl all that much money.

"That's good. So what do you want to put _on_ the table?"

Yuri looked back, confused. "Uuh… cupcakes?"

"No, silly," Sayori said. "We'll be handing out the cupcakes, or else someone could just grab a whole bunch and run off with them. Or, like, sneeze all over the whole batch or something! Besides, it'll feel more like a storefront if we're handing them out to each person!"

Yuri's eyes widened. 

_Right, of course she’d be anxious about that._

"Oh, don't worry! There should be at least two people around at a time! So you can stay in the back and help from there," She reassured, and the purple-haired girl seemed to relax a little. "But that means we can decorate the table with some props! Natsuki said we could use a couple of her manga volumes, and I was gonna bring some of my nicer-looking books."

"M-maybe my tea set? I could bring a candle too." Yuri suggested. 

"Ooh, yeah, definitely!" Sayori cheered.

"Yuri has really pretty handwriting," Em said, "so maybe she could write out some poems on nice paper."

The girl blushed at the compliment, but seemed too embarrassed by the idea until Sayori deployed the puppy dog eyes to win her over. Strangely, as the afternoon turned into evening, Yuri got a lot quieter, rather than opening back up. By the time they'd finished painting the banners and tablecloth, she seemed like she was barely there. She looked _exhausted._

_Did I burn her out? Or is she maybe getting sick?_

When Sayori asked what her two friends wanted for dinner, Yuri thanked her for the offer, but decided to go home, stating that she was tired and not very hungry. Sayori reluctantly saw her off and found herself alone in her room with Em for the first time since they learned each other's secrets.

They were both sitting on the bed after a delicious delivered meal of Tsukemen with Sayori’s family, when she turned towards him. "Can you tell me what's been bothering you today, Em?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to give Sayori some cats for Yuri to gush over, and ended up just writing my own cats into the story. Here are some pictures!  
> <https://imgur.com/a/djhkm1T>
> 
> I had some serious writer's block with this one, but I eventually managed to sort of force my way through it. I don't know how happy I am with the result. I don't really think it flows as well as the other chapters, or has the same charm, but I've made a couple passes trying to improve it and I don't know what else to do. Imperfect and released is better than never finished, right? I hope I'm making it worse than it actually is in my head.
> 
> But on a more positive note, holy crap I never expected this thing to get so many kudos. It's passed double what my first long fic got a while ago, even though the fandom is half as active now, and I really appreciate all the support and super sweet comments that people have given. Thank you so much.
> 
> I have another chapter like 90% done, but it has a lot to do with Yuri, so I think I'm gonna try to add a short one to break it up so that there's not 3 heavily-Yuri-involved chapters in a row.


	14. Nerve (Em)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something seems to be troubling Em, which Sayori hasn't failed to notice.

"Can you tell me what's been bothering you today, Em?"

The boy sighed. 

_ Of course she knows. _

Sayori had probably seen through him immediately. He shrank down a little and leaned towards her, soon finding himself wrapped up in a hug.

"I… W-well it's kind of a stupid thing to be so upset over. You're not allowed to make fun of me if I tell you."

"Of course I won't make fun of you, you dork. Not about something that's seriously upsetting you," sassed the peach-haired girl. 

That was enough reassurance for Em. He took a deep breath. "I… was watching golf with my parents, a-and one of the commercials that came on was for a show that had a gay couple, and dad…" He let out a sigh. "He just made this  _ face _ , and went  _ 'eugh!' _ and, like, changed the channel for a minute so he wouldn't have to see any more of it, and… I don't know. Mom too— they just looked so…  _ genuinely _ disgusted, a-and—"

The growing lump in his throat choked out his voice, leaving him unable to finish the sentence. Sayori's arms squeezed tighter around him. 

"It was just this little moment… i-it happened in the space of, like,  _ three seconds _ , but I just… I c-can't stop thinking about it over and over. I can't get it out of my head."

"Jeez Em, that's… that’s not  _ stupid _ or  _ little _ or anything, okay? I'm so sorry." She began to rub circles in his back. "I can't imagine. Just hearing about it hurt my chest." 

Poor Sayori. After everything that had happened this week, he was asking  _ her _ for comfort— for hugs and kind words after stomping all over her feelings. Because he couldn't just be normal. He had to be different and weird and  _ sinful _ and  _ disgusting _ like—

_ Okay, okay, no. God's a hyper-intelligent being who created a whole universe with a hundred bazillion stars and planets— he's not so petty to care where some apes like to stick their genitals, right? Right…? _

Em wrestled with his feelings, as his logical mind and  _ desire to be accepted _ clashed against years of religious programming. Sayori's presence helped though, and he was able to calm down in time. They sat in silence until Sayori spoke again.

"So… I know it's mostly, like…  _ emotional hurt _ over them being…  _ icky _ toward something that you are," Sayori started, "but do you think it would help you feel  _ just a little bit _ better if we talked to my parents? So that you know a  _ hundred percent _ that you can come live here if anything ever…  _ happens _ ?"

Em felt his blood run cold. Telling Sayori's parents?  _ Adults _ , who were good friends with his own family?!? Nobody aside from his online friends and the literature club knew at this point, and he kinda wanted to keep it that way. "Are you sure they'd…"

Sayori nodded.

"But have you ever come out to them as bi?"

"No, but… I just _ know _ they'll be okay with it if I bring home a girlfriend someday.  _ 'Coming out' _ isn't really a thing I've felt like I need to do, cause, like, I know they'll accept me. And I know they'll accept you, Em." She spoke with such confidence.

"O-okay," said the boy. Sayori was such a good friend. Such a good person. And he trusted her more than anyone else, so if she thought it was a good idea… he'd go along with it.

So Em sat on Sayori's bed, listening to her clumsy footsteps clambering down the stairs toward her parents, and felt like he might barf. He made a mental note of where the trash can was placed in the room, just in case. Then he realized it was one of the mesh trash cans, and wouldn't do very well to hold liquid. The image flashed through his imagination, of someone puking into that kind of can and getting it  _ everywhere, _ and suddenly he  _ definitely _ needed to barf. He ran to the bathroom, and luckily made it to the toilet in time to empty his stomach without making a mess. He coughed sharply and shivered, tasting a bitter mixture of the dinner he'd eaten and bile.

He wasn't cold or feverish, but he couldn't stop shaking.

"Em?!? Are you okay?"

Sayori came running to the bathroom door, shortly followed by her parents. 

"Y-yeah, I'm really sorry."

She frowned. "A-are you sure you want to talk about this?!? I didn't realize it was making you  _ this nervous… _ "

It was an out, and a somewhat tempting one at that, but there was no way Sayori's parents wouldn't be  _ super worried _ after…  _ this. _

"No, i-it's alright," he said. He tried to get up, but his stomach very much disliked the notion, threatening a repeat, so he sat back down. "S-sorry, I just need a minute."

"Alright, hon, we'll wait in Sayori's room," said her mother.

As her parents walked off, Sayori came in, crouching down to his level. "Are you really okay?" She asked, taking his hand between two of her own.

"Sayori, I just used that hand to wipe barf off my mouth," he said, causing her to jerk away. 

Then she looked down at her palms, shrugged, and took his hand again anyway. "Don't avoid the question," she ordered.

"Y-yeah, just… nervous. Like you said."

The peach-haired girl nodded, squeezing for a moment. "You can do it. I believe in you."

A few minutes later, they found themselves cleaned up and sitting on Sayori's bed. Across from them, Sayori's mom sat in the desk chair and her father sat on a step stool he'd grabbed from the closet. Both looked mildly concerned.

"S-so, I… uuh… Y-you know my parents, and where they came from. A-and being super progressive by the standards of the super-religious Indonesian town they grew up in… is m-maybe not-so-progressive here. Well…" Em swallowed, feeling tingly adrenaline radiate through his limbs. "I-I… I'm gay, a-and I'm...  _ really scared _ they might th-throw me out of the house if they ever found out, a-and…"

He trailed off, trying to work up the courage to ask the real question. But ' _ can you please financially support a fourth child if I become homeless before I finish school?'  _ was a lot to ask. 

Lucky for him, Sayori swooped in to save him. "If they kick him out, or like,  _ hurt _ him or something, do you think he could maybe... live here? At least until we graduate?"

"Oh, jeez, of course, buddy." Sayori's dad gave him a hug. “You’re always welcome here, Em. Seriously, please come to us if you’re ever in trouble.

"I'm glad you told us," said Sayori's mother. "Good job, honey, you did the right thing," she whispered to Sayori, giving her a kiss on the forehead before coming over to give Em a hug.

"I-If it comes to that, I can get a part time job and, like, pay you what I make. I-I know this is a lot to ask," Em offered. 

Sayori's mom smiled. "That's sweet, honey, but don't worry about it."

"Mhmm," nodded her dad. "You already have enough to worry about, Em. Don't sweat it."

Em nodded. 

"If you ever need, uuh…  _ parental advice _ relating to this, or anything else you're afraid to talk with them about," Sayori's mother said, "we're here for you, okay?"

"Th-thanks."

After another hug from each of them, Sayori's parents left the room. Em and Sayori were alone once again, and he felt like a small bit of the weight weighing down on him had disappeared. 

Sayori had been right.

"Hey, uh… thanks for that. I do feel a little bit better," Em said, flopping onto his back to stare at the glow-in-the-dark stars that had been stuck to Sayori's ceiling since they were seven.

"Ha, looks like ol' Sayori's good for something after all! We've been friends for three quarters of our lives, so it makes sense that some of my hunches about how you work would be right by now!" She flopped down beside him.

"Hmm, wouldn't it be closer to two thirds? Just a little more? Since we met when we were five, and we're sixteen?"

"Well it's almost my birthday, so, kinda in the middle. You're such a nitpicker— three quarters is  _ close enough!" _

_ That's right _ , Sayori's birthday was coming up in about two weeks. Em had a reminder in his phone calendar, but it was set for  _ one _ week before, so it hadn't gone off yet."Whatcha want for your birthday?" He asked. "You're not allowed to say you don't want anything," he cut off when she opened her mouth. (This earned him a pout.)

The girl's eyes glossed over. "I don't know… I don't want anything big. Maybe, like, some nail polish or eye liner or something…"

She seemed to be floundering for ideas. "Sayori, you never wear polish or makeup more than, like,  _ once a month _ — are you sure you want more of those things? Do you actually enjoy doing them?"

She blushed. "Well, but... I  _ want _ to do it more! It's just… it's hard to motivate myself sometimes, knowing how pointless it is. Like… it's fun, but it also feels like kind of a waste, y'know?"

The uneasy feeling from their walk home on Friday returned. "What do you mean? Why would it be a waste if you have fun doing it?"

"I don't know…" Sayori stared blankly at the ceiling. " _ Polishing a turd _ , I guess, hehe."

Em frowned. "Sayori, don't say that."

"Aw c'mon, I'm just joking."

"Are you really though? Cause lately it's seemed a lot more real."

Sayori got really quiet. 

Em sighed. "Listen… I understand if it's a little…  _ awkward _ , after what happened this week, so you don't have to talk to me specifically, but… please Sayori. Whatever it is that makes you want to put yourself down so much… promise you'll talk to  _ someone _ , okay? It seems like it’s gotten worse."

Sayori rolled her head to the side, making eye contact for a moment. She wore a vulnerable expression— one Em hadn’t seen in some time. She looked back up at the ceiling. "I will… or… I  _ am _ , actually. I'll tell you eventually, too, just… I need time to recover first."

Em nodded, then realized she wasn't looking at him anymore to  _ see _ the fact that he nodded, so he said, "I'm glad."

He wasn’t quite sure if Sayori meant that she needed time to recover from having her feelings shot down, or time to recover from opening up about her problem to someone else, but it didn’t really matter. As long as she was talking to  _ someone _ about it, that was okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay more development for Em.  
> He's really starting to realize just how important Sayori is to him, and feel guilty about how he's always teased her.   
> And she's being the S-tier friend she always has been.  
> Thank you for reading!


	15. Obligation (Natsuki)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuri's bully gets her revenge on Natsuki and Yuri for the sandwich incident.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Note that football and soccer are used interchangably here, as the story takes place in a fictional country that is not the USA.)

The cafeteria was bustling, and Natsuki sat directly across from Monika. One one side, a very-spaced-out Yuri sat across from Sayori, and on the other, her friend Moriko sat across from Em. (Nicole, Alice, and Chii were all busy working their class's events, so Moriko had joined Natsuki and the literature club at their table.) Nats was munching on her makeshift lunch, made up of bits from all five of her friends, and contentedly chatting with the group. (Papa had ended up buying groceries on Saturday, while she was at Monika's, but the food would last longer if she was only dipping into it twice per day, so she'd gone without.)

The Literature Club had taken shifts handing out cupcakes while different members came and went to participate in their homerooms' events, and to walk around the festival. Somehow they'd managed to all get lunch at the same time, and they only had about twenty cupcakes left to give out when they returned to their station after lunch. They'd probably have at least an hour of freedom to enjoy the festival after they finished, and Natsuki was looking forward to spending it with Moni. They were even going to hang out after school at the city library.

Em was explaining that Sayori's birthday was coming up soon, much to her dismay, and trying to brainstorm ways for the club to celebrate, when a sudden yelp from Yuri interrupted the conversation. A fraction of a second later, Nats felt a stream of cold liquid splattering on her head and dousing the rest of her body.

It was milk. Natsuki didn't snap out of her shock until a few seconds after it stopped. She turned to see the green-haired third-year who bullied Yuri walking away smugly. The sandwich girl.

_Oh this bitch. She's fucking DEAD._

Natsuki stood up quickly to run after her, then promptly slipped and fell on one of the two empty milk cartons floating in the puddle of slippery dairy. Her friends were saying things to her, and she could hear their voices, but her brain wouldn't process the words. Any meaning was drowned out by the rage. She got back to her feet and stormed after the bully. She was gaining on her, just two meters away when she collided with a body. Dazed for a moment, Natsuki blinked and saw Ms. N holding a hand out to block her and gripping the green-haired bitch by the shirt collar. 

In a firm, powerful voice, she ordered, " _Natsuki._ Take your friend to the nurse. He'll have spare uniforms for you two. _Katrina._ I'm taking you to the principal _right now_."

Natsuki's feet stayed planted for a moment. If she could somehow get around Ms. N, she could kick that girl in her stupid fucking face and—

"Natsuki! Did I stutter? Go!" The woman ordered, looking straight into her eyes with a penetrating glare— a look carrying a certain weight that only a seasoned adult, with decades of life experience, could be capable of. 

With a furious growl, Natsuki stormed back to the table and forcefully took Yuri by the wrist, causing her to gasp. "Come on!"

By the time she'd dragged the purple-haired girl to the infirmary, Natsuki had managed to calm down a bit. Her fuming rage had turned into simmering anger as she opened the door. 

"Hello," the nurse said, eying them curiously. He squinted, looking closer, before smiling. "That stuff's for _drinking,_ not bathing, y'know," he commented with a smirk as he rolled around like a stupid idiot in his stupid idiot rollie chair. From one cabinet he pulled a bottle of shampoo, then from another he pulled out a large bin of spare uniform parts.

"Oh, and neither of you are hurt, right? Just milky? You don't look injured, but if there was a fight or something, I can treat you…"

"J-just the milk," Yuri stammered, eyes glazed and unfocused. She still seemed very out-of-it.

The man eyed her skeptically. "You actually look kinda feverish. Come here for a minute." He produced one of the fancy thermometers, like they have at doctors' offices, and slid a plastic sheath over the metal part. "Open up, please."

Yuri complied and let the nurse take her temperature. When the device beeped, he raised his eyebrows. "Hmm, you definitely have a fever. Hmmm, alright… come right back here after you're cleaned up. And let me get you some medicine."

The older girl had seemed a bit off that day, so Natsuki wasn't all that surprised. As Yuri swallowed some pills, the man started digging through his uniform bin, occasionally holding up a garment and squinting between the girls and the item. "Hmm," he started after some more digging. "The jackets might be a bit big, but that's no big deal. Seems like I'm out of skirts, though, and the one I _do_ have is on the smaller side… so, uh, sorry." He added two differently-sized pairs of boy pants and a belt to Yuri's pile, saying, "one of these should fit. Guess I need to order some more."

The nurse scooped their clothing sets into two plastic bags and handed them over, giving the shampoo bottle to Natsuki. "You two can use the gym showers. Just try to be quick— I think the girls' football exhibition game finishes in about fifteen minutes, so you probably don't want to be in their way. The field is muddy today."

Natsuki nodded, accepting a pair of towels, and started out of the infirmary, but Yuri remained frozen in place. "Yuri, are you coming?"

The older girl stammered nonverbally for a moment, then followed. She looked like she was on the verge of tears. Was she getting upset about what had happened, with the shock just now wearing off? This felt… _different_. Like Yuri was afraid of _her._

_Is she scared to shower in front of me?_ Natsuki wondered as they walked. She found it a little awkward to be naked in front of her friends, but she'd been to onsen-style hot springs a couple times, and it was usually _fine_ after the first couple seconds. Nothing meriting Yuri's current reaction, at least. 

They got to the locker room, and Natsuki stripped her milk-soaked clothes right away, taking note of the time from the wall clock.

"I-I th-think I'll just w-wait until you're done…" Yuri stuttered. She looked liable to throw up at any moment.

Natsuki glared back at her, letting out an annoyed sigh. "Yuri, there's not enough time. You're either gonna be naked in front of me, or naked in front of the whole-ass soccer team. I promise I won't judge, _whatever it is_ you're so worried about, alright?" 

She wouldn't say it out loud, but all the fuss was making Nats super curious about what the purple-haired girl was so afraid for her to see. Did Yuri stuff her bra? Was she maybe a trans girl, with a penis, or maybe surgical scars? (Though, if that were the case, wouldn't her shithead cousin have outed her for _that_ instead of being a _lesbian_ ?) Maybe she was just _super embarrassed_ about something stupid, like forgetting to shave her armpits...

Yuri looked back with desperate, pleading eyes. "Y-you really promise? Y-you won't tell anyone?"

_Ooh fuck, this must mean it actually IS something serious._

"Y-yeah, sure, you _have my word_ or whatever, just _hurry up_." Natsuki finished undressing and scurried into the communal locker room shower. The shitty boiler in her apartment building had gotten her used to cold water, so she didn't waste any time waiting for it to heat up before hopping in and lathering her hair with shampoo. Her broken toes still weren't looking too great, but they were _maybe_ a bit less swollen than they had been that weekend. Now that she thought about it, the pain had actually gone away for a few minutes after she tried to fight _sandwich girl_ in the cafeteria. _Probably the adrenaline._

As she was rinsing suds from her hair, Yuri finally joined her at the neighboring faucet. Natsuki should have just focused on cleaning herself, at least not _actively trying_ to see what her friend wanted to hide, but her curiosity got the better of her, and she peeked. 

She regretted peeking.

Cuts. Scabs. Scars. They appeared on nearly every part of Yuri that a school uniform would normally cover.

Her upper thighs and forearms were densely littered with injuries and scars of all stages, with comparatively sparse lines marking her hips, torso, upper arms and shoulders.

_What the fuck. What the fucking, fucking FUCK?!? What do I say? What do I do?_

Natsuki suddenly felt like she might throw up herself. She'd only meant to shoot a passing glance, but she was _stuck_ staring, mouth agape, and soon Yuri noticed. The tall girl shrank in on herself, hiding behind her long, dark hair as the shower soaked it. Her whole body was shaking, and she may well have been crying, tears lost in the water.

As Yuri reached for the shampoo, Natsuki noticed a particularly large and recent cut, dark and surrounded by a patch of _angry_ red skin, on Yuri's trembling arm.

_No wonder she has a fever, holy shit! That's super infected!_

What was this? Was Yuri suicidal, or at least flirting with the idea of killing herself? Was this the toll that all the bullying had taken? Or did she hate herself so much that she felt she needed to be punished? Maybe she was some kind of masochist? This just got a whole lot more complicated. There were so many possibilities, and all of them were some degree of both _bad_ and _dangerous_.

Natsuki was aware of cutting as a thing that some people did, but this was something else. It always seemed so minor in movies. A quirk of a neurotic character, used for an emotional scene and then forgotten, or quickly resolved through the power of love. But seeing the mangled skin of Yuri's arms and thighs… this was a sign of something deep-rooted, and very serious.

Nats glanced at the clock again. 

_We need to get her covered up before anyone else gets in here…_

There were a couple members of the girls' football team that were _huge assholes_ , and nothing good could come from them learning this about Yuri. Nats had washed out her hair, and that was probably good enough— she couldn't imagine the milk on her skin surviving the rinse off, so she scooted over to help Yuri with her near-unmanageably-long hair. "Let's get this done quick and get dressed. They're gonna be here soon."

Yuri nodded dejectedly. Together they were able to get her hair clean and dairy-free in just a couple minutes. Natsuki dragged the shy girl out of the shower, giving her both towels to dry off faster. Hiding her cuts before anyone arrived was the top priority. Yuri _really_ didn't need any more bullying than she already got, so Natsuki wasn't gonna let anyone else learn this secret on her watch. 

By the time the soccer girls started trickling into the locker room, Yuri was fully dressed, hair still wrapped in a towel, and Natsuki was tucking her shirt into her skirt. She hastily threw on her oversized blazer and gathered her milky clothes in the plastic bag. "Alright, let's head back," she announced, earning a nod from Yuri. 

The other girl hadn't said a word or made eye contact since before revealing her skin. She was currently staring at her reflection in one of the mirrors above the locker room sinks. The loaner blazer was much looser than her usual, and it hid her chest to some extent, working with the boy pants to make her look fairly androgynous— It was a novel sight, that seemed to have trapped the purple-haired girl's attention.

Walking up to her friend, Natsuki saw her own reflection, with the oversized blazer draped over her under-fed, scrawny frame, and grimaced.

"Well, let's head back..."

The relief of finishing in time gave way to extreme anxiety as the gravity of the situation hit Natsuki. She panicked internally as she walked through the halls. She was, like, _the worst_ person to have made this discovery out of any of Yuri's friends.

Nats didn't have Sayori's tenderness, Monika's patience, or Em's humility. How was she supposed to help this girl without fucking it up and making things worse? There was no way! But something absolutely had to be done— she couldn't _let_ Yuri keep doing this.

She needed someone who knew what they were doing. Maybe an adult? Not her dad— maybe Monika's parents? Ms. N? 

_Yuri's mom! No—wait, shit! Her mom is… anyway, Yuri lives with her aunt and uncle... Okay, if I can force her to open up to them, she'll be in much more capable hands, right?_

Sidling over to Yuri as they walked, she whispered, "we need to talk about… that. Can I come home with you today?"

Yuri's eyes widened, and she shook her head. "M-maybe some other time, b-but–"

"–You're not getting out of this!" Nats interrupted with a harsh whisper.

"P-please, Natsuki, I'm not f-feeling well, and… j-just you _finding out_ was already so hard to deal with… I-I don't know if I can–"

"–Yuri!" Nats gritted her teeth. "How am I supposed to sleep after seeing _that,_ with no explanation? You're my friend, okay? I'm really worried."

The desperation on Yuri's face was clear as she looked around, clearly searching her mind for some excuse, before eventually giving up. Defeatedly, she nodded. "A-alright, fine."

_Okay, good. It's a plan, at least. Wait, shit! Monika!_

In the chaos, Natsuki had forgotten about her library date with Monika. It would be a total dick move to blow her off, but there was no way she could just _sit on_ this whole Yuri situation. 

Monika would understand, right? She was an understanding person, and she was already kind of worried about Yuri after Saturday… right. She'd definitely understand. 

By the time Natsuki reached this conclusion, she had also reached the infirmary. Natsuki returned the shampoo, towels, and extra pants while Yuri laid down. 

"Do you have a parent at home today?" The nurse asked Yuri. 

She stared back for a couple seconds, processing, before replying "uh, y-yes. M-my uncle got back this m-morning, so…"

"Hmm, alright. Should I call him to come get you now?"

"I can make sure she gets home okay," Natsuki offered. "I've finished the events for my class and my club, so I'm free." She didn't want to let Yuri escape— if she could, the girl would probably avoid ever having this conversation.

The man checked the time. Then he looked over towards Yuri. "Is that okay with you?" 

Yuri nodded.

"Alright, gimme both your ID cards. I'll notify the office."

Natsuki took Yuri's, so she didn't have to get up, and handed both cards to the nurse. "Can I go tell our friends we're leaving? They're probably worried after what happened at lunch."

"Yeah, sure, we'll both be here," he replied half-attentively as he punched their numbers into his computer. 

…

"Wow, Natsuki, your hair! I don't think I've ever seen it down, but it looks really good!" Sayori greeted Natsuki as she approached the table. "Is Yuri okay?"

Natsuki stared blankly for a second. Yuri was most certainly not okay, but she couldn't spill that secret. Even if it was to Sayori. "She has a fever, so she stayed with the nurse. I'm gonna go walk her home. I just came by to tell everyone what's up."

"Oh, okay… She has seemed _out of it_ since last night— I hope she's not _too_ sick. A-anyway, we've got, uhhh… nine cupcakes left.

"Are they back?!?" Monika's voice frantically called from somewhere inside the classroom, interrupting Natsuki before she could respond. The brown-haired girl slid into view before quickly stooping down to crawl under the table, hitting her back on the underside with a thud as she rushed to greet her girlfriend. 

She winced in pain as she stood up, placing a hand on each of Natsuki's shoulders. "Are you okay?!? Where's Yuri? You didn't get in trouble, did you?" 

"Everything is fine, Moni," Natsuki lied, slipping closer and wrapping her arms around the taller girl. "And whether or not _I'm_ in trouble depends on whether or not that third-year bitch snitches about the sandwich. But, if she does, she risks exposing herself for bullying of Yuri for _god knows_ how long. And Yuri should be fine either way— she did nothing wrong."

Monika relaxed in her arms, returning the embrace. It was nice. She smelled good, and she was so soft and comfy… just the thing Natsuki needed to soothe her nerves about the approaching confrontation with Yuri.

"I was so worried," Monika whispered. 

After the past few days, Natsuki was starting to realize just how high-strung Monika could be, behind her confident front. It was cute in a way, showing just how _aggressively_ she cared about things— about Natsuki and their friends.

"I think I have to rain-check our library date. I'm really sorry, Moni. Yuri's sick and I'm gonna walk her home." She leaned in close to Monika's ear and whispered, "And she opened up to me about something really personal. I think she needs to talk about it some more."

Monika's eyes widened and she nodded enthusiastically. Nats was proud of her choice in phrasing— it wasn't a lie, but it didn't give away Yuri's secret, and it very much appealed to Monika's existing concern about Yuri.

"I promise I'll make it up to you, okay?" She placed a kiss on Monika's cheek. 

"Gaaay!" Came Em's voice from inside the classroom. Natsuki shot him a glare as she broke off the hug, waving goodbye to Sayori and heading back to the nurse's office. She sent a text to Moriko as she walked, since she was probably worried after what happened at lunch too.

Soon enough, she found herself in Yuri's home, after a short (and unsteady, in Yuri's case) walk. It was a townhouse-style apartment, much smaller than Monika's dad's luxurious condo, but still significantly larger than her own home.

"P-please try to be q-quiet. My uncle just got back from a shipment at around s-six in the morning, so he's sleeping," said the purple-haired girl as she took off her shoes, offering guest slippers to Natsuki.

Looking down at her phone, Nats saw that it was about two-thirty PM. "When does your aunt normally get back?" She asked.

"Uuh… u-usually around four or five, but I think she said she'd be w-working shorter days this week to make up for this past weekend."

"Ah, okay. What is she… like? As a person, I mean," Natsuki asked hesitantly. Hopefully Yuri wouldn't pick up on her plan. She just had to make sure this lady was _safe_ to bring this issue to.

"A-Auntie? Well she's… very nice, and caring, b-but maybe a little bit scatterbrained. Why?"

"Oh, I just… wasn't sure if she was like… mean to you, or part of the reason you… y'know…" 

"Oh… no, definitely not. Sh-she's… a good person. W-we've gotten a little closer, recently, too."

Nodding, Nats commented, "that's good. So I don't have to worry about getting out of here before she shows up." Hopefully that was good enough cover for why she was asking. She glanced around the entryway where they stood. "Should we… maybe head up to your room to talk about this stuff?"

Yuri nodded reluctantly and lumbered up the stairs. The walk seemed to have taken a lot out of the feverish upperclassman.

"Actually, hold on for a second."

Natsuki opened her phone's camera and snapped a picture of Yuri as she spun around.

"W-what are you doing?" Yuri asked, looking confused and mildly offended.

"Can I send this to Sayori? I think she'll think the boys uniform is cute on you."

"R-really? Um… I guess it's okay then."

_Heh, so transparent,_ Natsuki thought as they continued to the second floor.

At the top of the stairs was a door frame that had no door, immediately inside of which stood a wall with two smaller doors. Natsuki furrowed her brow at the bizarre sight, before Yuri opened one of them, and ushered her into the most claustrophobic bedroom she'd ever seen.

Partitioned by what must have been a temporary wall of some kind, the half-room that Yuri called home was the very definition of organized chaos. A twin sized bed sat in the nearest corner, sandwiched between the wall at its foot, and a desk at its head. It was decorated with a surprising number of plushies, considering how Yuri always tried to act so _mature_. Lining the wall opposite the bed were bookshelves. Most of them were full of neatly placed books, but the top of each was coated in a wide array of knick knacks and houseplants, all perfectly organized into straight rows and columns. And one such shelf, instead of books, was lined with dozens of pocket knives, top to bottom. The tools were folded up and gleaming brightly with not a speck of dust. There were even a couple hunting knives on top, displayed on little stands.

_Jesus, well now I know what she's using to do it. Actually, the little brat said something about this the other day. Didn't he?_

Between these shelves and the bed was a pathway about thirty or forty centimeters wide _at most_ , and the situation in the back was the same, with a small dresser and a hamper leaving little space behind the desk. Nats speculated that the taller girl probably had to climb into her chair in order to sit at the desk, since there probably wasn't enough room to slide it out all the way. And most shockingly of all, beside the desk was a bright pink guitar, printed with a huge picture of _Taylor Swift's head_ amongst glittery sparkle graphics. It was the least _'Yuri'_ thing she could imagine, but bizarrely, _there it was._

Even in these extremely uncomfortable circumstances, Natsuki felt a snort of laughter escape her. "Taylor Swift? Really?!? I thought you were supposed to be so dark and mysterious and _alternative!_ "

Yuri was already a bit flushed from the fever, but the color deepened just a little bit. "I've had that s-since I was nine," she weakly defended. "A-and nobody but you h-has ever said I'm any of those things."

Natsuki laughed out loud, and she even saw Yuri smile for a moment. But soon the tension had returned to the room, and Natsuki felt her heart pounding. If only it had been Sayori who found out. She and Yuri seemed to be getting closer lately, and Sayori was, like, really good with emotional situations, and making people feel cared for. She would have been the ideal choice for talking to Yuri about this stuff.

But here they were, awkwardly sitting on the bed in Yuri's tiny bedroom, with no Sayori to be found.

"So…" Natsuki asked, "if you're gonna get changed out of your uniform… can I see them again?"

Yuri looked mortified. Her mouth opened but no sound came out.

Natsuki huffed. "I just… earlier, I was so shocked that I didn't really get a chance to look them over… a-and I want to… _process_ how unsafe you are, if that makes sense. I don't need to see you _naked_ , just… let me see your arms again..."

"Th-that's not n-necessary. I-I'm perfectly safe. I-it's really difficult to die f-from c-cutting, even if you're _trying_ to, a-and that's not even my intent, so…" Yuri avoided eye contact as she spoke.

"So none of those scars or cuts were from you trying to kill yourself? Some of them looked pretty serious. And don't bother lying to me— you're really easy to read!"

The feverish girl shrank in on herself just a little bit more. "W-well… I've never a-actually planned to kill myself, but… I'd be lying if I said there haven't been a couple times w-when I've… let myself fall asleep or pass out and… hoped that I'd never wake up. B-but I always knew the chances of actually bleeding out without s-staying awake to re-open the cuts were n-next to zero."

Natsuki couldn't believe what she was hearing. The nausea from earlier returned as she pictured Yuri lying on blood-soaked sheets in the very spot she was sitting. She remembered when she was little, the way her mom had wailed inconsolably at her uncle's funeral, and imagined Sayori and Monika breaking down that way in front of Yuri's flower-adorned photograph. And the more she thought about it, the more she realized she'd be bawling right there with them. When had she gotten so attached to this weirdo?

"You're such an idiot! Fuck!" She punched Yuri's shoulder as tears began to spill from her stinging eyes.

_Way to go, Nats, you're handling this super well._

Yuri didn't respond. Natsuki wiped her face dry on her sleeve. "I'm sorry. I… that was uncalled for." She paused for a few moments. "But the fact that you seem to _know_ how effective it is compared to other methods of suicide are kinda scares me _even more_. A-and even if you don't think you're in danger of bleeding out, it's not safe! The cut on your one arm is super infected, and it's making you sick."

"I-I'm sure the fever is j-just a coincidence," Yuri said.

_Are you kidding me?!? This girl is in some serious denial._

Natsuki rubbed her temples, trying to quell her rising frustration. "Even if that were true, which you _know it's fucking not,_ if you get a bad infection it could, like, permanently wreck your arm— like, fuck up the tendons that control your fingers or something. Or if you cut deep enough, you could damage them directly!"

Yuri didn't respond to that— she just stared down into her lap, hiding behind a curtain of purple hair.

Natsuki let out a sigh. "Yuri… this is serious. I can't just _sweep_ it under the rug and pretend like everything's okay. But at the same time, I think this is… too much for me to handle." Even though she was completely out of her depth, it was still hard to say so. So often, people would just _assume_ she was incompetent or uncapable, because she was _small_ and _grumpy_ and _a girl_. But in this case she really was. She was a fucking highschool student, and this needed, like, a _psychologist_ , or at the very least a doctor. "I don't think I can be the one to help you. You need to open up to your aunt. _Today."_

Fearful lilac eyes looked up at her.

"And I'm not leaving until you tell her."

Those eyes filled up with panic. "N-n-n… N… Nat-tsu… b-bu… b-but you said—"

_"I know what I said,_ " Natsuki snapped, looking away. "But this is more important."

"P-please, no. _Please…_ "

_Keep it together, Nats, just be calm and explain why._

"This isn't something I'm… _capable_ of helping you with. I'll just get _fed up_ and explode at you and make everything worse. You need a doctor who's, like, _trained_ in this kind of thing."

Yuri didn't say anything else, but Natsuki could hear her heavy breathing. When she turned back around, the older girl was pulling at her hair and rocking back and forth, with her legs tucked tightly against her chest.

Nats pinched the bridge of her nose, exhaling. "Alright, let's calm down. Deep breaths, follow along with me." She breathed in and out, making an effort to exaggerate the motions and guide her friend.

It took _several literal minutes_ of that for Yuri to calm down from whatever that was (a panic attack, maybe?) and Natsuki's patience was running _very fucking thin_ by the end of it. She didn't want to be mad, and she knew this was _not_ a situation for anger, but the smallest little things were starting to make her skin crawl. She wanted to just hypnotize Yuri into sleep, or _knock her out_ or something until her aunt got home.

But that wasn't an option, so she came up with another idea. "Do you have, like, Netflix or something we could watch on that laptop? Y'know… pass the time or whatever…"

After taking a few moments too long to process the question, Yuri nodded. "Y-yeah. I-I thought you m-might like the Great B-British Baking Show, s-so I stopped watching after the f-first season in case you ever came over."

_Even though she thought I hated her until, like... Friday?_

Yuri still seemed shaken up, and her stutter being twice as bad as usual was _irritating_. But Natsuki did her best not to let her aggravation show through. She nodded.

_Hold it together, Natsuki. Yelling is the last thing she needs today._

"Alright, can I clear a spot on the shelf here? To put the laptop?" She pointed toward the bookshelf across from where they were seated. Yuri nodded in reply, so she began clearing a place. Among the other decorations was a row of fidget spinners in every color, probably from a gacha machine at the grocery store or something. (She'd found the explosive popularity of the toys that year rather annoying, but figured if anyone could genuinely use that kind of thing, it would be Yuri.)

She started playing with one absently before Yuri cut in, "p-please don't s-spin the ones from the c-complete set."

" _Ugh, fine_ ," Natsuki replied _too forcefully._

"I-it's just that I don't want to w-wear out the ball bearings on those ones," Yuri explained unnecessarily.

" _Alright."_

"I-I have a bunch of d-duplicates in my drawer. Y-you can play with those, a-and you can have a couple if—"

"I don't _care_ about the stupid fidget spinners, okay?!? I'm not a fucking autistic _child!_ Can you just _play the fucking show_ already?!?"

She yelled.

She yelled _loudly_.

_Fuck, now I've done it._

Yuri grabbed a pillow to hide her wrinkling face as tears started to run down. She cried _hard._

It would've been a bit much any other day, but considering everything Yuri had been through since lunch, alongside what Natsuki was about to force her to do, this overly-fragile state was understandable.

_God dammit. I'm the worst fucking person. Awful, nasty bitch. Kicking her when she's down. I'm the one who should want to die, not Yuri._

Nats' moment of self-loathing was interrupted by heavy footsteps approaching. She felt adrenaline coursing through her as they drew closer. She'd woken Yuri's uncle with her stupid yelling and now she was in trouble. The footsteps stopped near the door. "Yuri, are you alright? Do you need anything?"

His voice sounded concerned, rather than angry. Nats let out a breath she didn't realize she was holding. He could definitely hear the muffled sobs through the door, so he must be worried.

"Alright," came his voice again, "I'm here, so… uh... let me know if you need anything." The footsteps returned, fading further away for a few seconds, then approaching once more. "Uh, Yuri, do you have company? I saw extra girl shoes by the door…"

Nat glanced at her friend, who was still sobbing much too hard to speak. 

"Uh, yeah," she said, getting up and opening the door. "H-hi, I'm Natsuki… Y-Yuri's friend."

"Oh, uh… hi there. I'm Tadashi, nice to… meet you." He was about Yuri's height, with sandy brown hair, cut short, and a beard. "Why don't you come downstairs for a minute. Give her space…" the groggy man glanced at his weeping niece.

"O-okay…" Natsuki reluctantly followed out of Yuri's bedroom. Luckily, Yuri's uncle was fully dressed, even though he hadn't been expecting company, which was more than she could say for her dad half the time.

"Can I get you something to drink?" He asked as they arrived in the kitchen. Natsuki shook her head and raised a hand, so he continued, "Sorry about that. Yuri's… you know. She's a good kid, but… _different_. And she's been through a lot. Thanks for looking after her." Tadashi scratched his cheek for a second. "Did you bring up her mother or something?"

"No, we just… I lost my temper and yelled at her. S-sorry if I woke you, by the way." Natsuki looked at her feet.

"Oh, no, It's fine," he said, pouring a glass of water for himself. "I don't think it was noise that woke me."

Natsuki glanced at the ceiling. "Does… _that…_ happen a lot?"

Tadashi scratched his chin. "Not anymore. For the first year after her mom… y'know… it did, but lately she's been better. But she's not super comfortable around most men, since she wasn't really raised around any, so I try to give her space."

Natsuki nodded. Good to know that waiting for Yuri's aunt was the right move. Though _she_ wasn't super comfortable around most men either, and she really wished Monika or Chii or _someone_ was here to help her in this conversation.

"So… did you get out of your festival thing early? I kinda figured Yuri would be home _later_ than normal today, not earlier." The man sat down at a dining table, so Natsuki took one of the other chairs.

"She's actually a bit feverish, so the nurse sent her home, and I walked with her. But, uh… there's something…" Natsuki swallowed, "s-something that she needs to talk about, probably with her aunt." Natsuki hoped phrasing it that way wouldn't offend this guy. He'd implied that he and Yuri weren't super close, which was also the vibe she'd gotten from Yuri when they first arrived, so hopefully he'd understand.

"Oh… is it the bullying? Has it gotten worse again? Her teachers have talked to us a couple times about that, but we've never been able to get her to open up." 

He didn't seem hung up on it, so that was good. "Well, there was a bit of an incident today, and it's… related to that, I guess, but not exactly."

The man nodded, obviously concerned, but thankfully not pressing her further. "Alright… well Yuri texted me a while ago, and she should be home any minute, so you two can talk to her."

Natsuki squinted back for a moment, before he clarified, "Oh, sorry— Yuri is my wife's name too. Your friend was named after her."

_Jeez, and now they live together. That must be confusing._

"A-alright, well… I'm gonna head back up, but… uh, nice to meet you." Natsuki did a half bow and awkwardly walked away. Back upstairs, she found Yuri sniffling. She was still wet-faced, but not hiccuping or gasping anymore.

"H-hey Yuri…" Natsuki said. "I'm really sorry for yelling at you. I shouldn't have let my anger get the better of me." That last phrase was one she'd borrowed from the internet, after looking up the best way to apologize for blowing up at someone. Nats was ashamed of the fact that she did it often enough to merit memorizing such an apology.

Yuri nodded in response, hugging her pillow tightly. 

"Your uncle said your aunt should be home soon. Are… are you ready to tell her?"

Yuri shook her head as her face scrunched up once more, an involuntary, high-pitched squeak escaping her as the waterworks returned. Nats touched her shoulder gently.

"Maybe it would be easier if you just rolled up your sleeves and showed her, instead of trying to explain with words," she suggested in the gentlest voice she could manage. "Do… do you want me to help explain?"

The purple-haired girl took a few long moments to think about it, then nodded. This was pretty relieving. If they sat around waiting for Yuri to get words out in this state, it would take _hours._

So, giving up on the notion of watching Netflix, they both waited anxiously (one obviously to a _much_ greater extent) for Yuri's aunt, and soon she could be heard coming through the front door. Natsuki could hear her voice, as well as Tadashi's, and in less than a minute, footsteps clunked up the stairs.

There was a soft knock, and then the door to Yuri's room opened to reveal a chestnut-haired woman in business attire.

"Um, hello, nice to meet you. I'm Yuri, Yuri's aunt. Are you… um, what was it… Sayori?" 

_That would be better for fucking everyone, wouldn't it? Sayori would do a better job of talking to Yuri's aunt and uncle. Sayori wouldn't have made Yuri cry._

But Yuri had told her aunt about Sayori? And she'd remembered the name too— It was a good sign that the two were somewhat close.

"H-hi, I'm Natsuki, actually."

"Oh, sorry," the woman nodded. 

She shifted her gaze between the two teens. "Uncle said you have something to talk about with me, honey?"

Yuri just squeezed her pillow tighter, hiding behind the plush object. The concern was rapidly growing on her aunt's face. "Yuri…"

Natsuki cleared her throat. "So, uh… Yuri… has something that she… needs help with. A-and I don't think it's something that me and her other friends can help with alone."

"Mmm," nodded the woman.

Natsuki swallowed. She felt like she should say something else— give some additional explanation, and allow her friend a little more time to prepare herself, but her mind was blank. She turned to the purple-haired girl. "Yuri, can you…"

Trembling, Yuri unclasped the buttons on the cuffs of her shirt and slowly rolled up her sleeves. There was a gasp and a long silence as Yuri's aunt processed the sight before her, and then the woman grabbed the girl, clutching her tightly against her body.

"No no no no no no no. My baby, no no no no," the woman rocked Yuri back and forth as she cried. "I'm so sorry baby. Oh my god, I'm so so sorry." Yuri was crying too. Or… _younger_ Yuri, that is.

Natsuki felt like this was a deeply personal moment, and she kinda wanted to give them some privacy, but the pair of Yuris sat on the bed between her and the door, and there wasn't really enough space to squeeze by unnoticed.

The woman pulled away to inspect her niece's arms closer, focusing in on the infected cut. "Oh my god, baby… we need to go to the hospital. I'll call your doctor and… and… wait… did I ever sign you up for… _oh my god_ I didn't! I didn't! I'm such an idiot! They always call to remind me about Shota, but I never took you to the doctor once in four years?!? Oh baby no. _I'm a terrible parent!_ I-I can't believe I let it get this bad." She gripped at her scalp as she thought out loud. "Okay… we'll go to the ER, and I'll sign you up with a doctor and a therapist, and… it's gonna be alright, honey, I'm so sorry."

"N-no, th-that's too expensive," younger Yuri protested. "Y-you already—"

"—Shhh." Her aunt silenced her decisively. "Honey, your mom... was a single mother working part-time jobs while trying to raise you. I understand why you worry about money, but you _don't have to_ anymore. Uncle and I both work full-time, with _salaries_ and _insurance benefits_. And if it would help, I'd get you a _hundred_ god damn therapists, okay?!?"

It was touching, and kind of painful to see Yuri's aunt _mothering_ so hard. Even though Natsuki's mom was a bit of a fuck-up, she'd always been very loving, and seeing this was starting to hurt her chest with _jealousy_ and _nostalgia_ and _loneliness_.

The woman squeezed her niece again, and after a few seconds she remembered that Natsuki was also there in the room. Turning toward the girl as she stood up, she said, "Oh, uuh… th-thank you for… making her show this to me, Natsuki. I owe you a ton. I'm gonna take her to the hospital, but, uuh… Tadashi can drive you home or something, if you need it."

"Oh, uh, I-I'm probably okay, but thanks."

The older Yuri nodded, then turned toward her niece. "I'm gonna go talk to uncle real quick, honey, and then we'll head out right away, okay? Get your shoes on."

With that, Nats was left alone with Yuri again. The purple-haired girl didn't say anything. She seemed like she was only half-there. 

I'm… sorry," Natsuki said. "I'm gonna head out now, but, uh… good luck. I won't tell anyone about… this, okay?"

Yuri stared blankly at the wall. With an awkward feeling in her gut, Natsuki headed downstairs and started putting on her shoes. 

Yuri's uncle called out to her from the kitchen.

"Hey, uuh, thanks for looking out for Yuri. It must've been hard to make her… tell us. We owe you a bunch." Natsuki smiled uncomfortably and nodded. She waved and then shot out the door before anybody else could say anything to her. 

Once she was a couple blocks away, she sat down on a big rock that decorated the garden of an apartment building, and cradled her head in her hands. That had been _exhausting._ Yuri was probably gonna hate her once all this was settled too, so now club time was gonna be awkward.

But overall that had gone quicker than she expected— it was possible that Nats could make it back to school before it let out, and still meet up with Monika. Should she, though? She didn't know if she had _another couple hours_ of social interaction left in her, and she'd probably just be snappy and bitchy the whole time… Natsuki kinda just wanted to curl up under the blankets and pass out, but she also didn't want to be home— It was so shitty and depressing there. 

She started typing a message to Monika and deleted it several times. She gave up and decided to just call her. Moni had called her before the thing with her mom on Friday night, so it probably wouldn't be weird, right?

Her girlfriend answered after several rings, and Natsuki could hear that she was in a crowd, probably at one of the bigger events near the end of the festival. "Nats? Is everything okay?"

"Uh, yeah. I just… finished up with Yuri earlier than I thought I would."

"Oh, that's great! So you wanna head to the library still?" Monika asked.

"I… I don't know. I'm just, like… emotionally exhausted after the conversation I just had, and I don't really want to be in public, or... talk much. B-but I still want to see you… just... Could we maybe, like, lay around in the club room or something? S-sit together quietly or something?" 

Natsuki felt her cheeks blushing as she asked. She couldn't keep up a front with Monika anmymore, at least not for little things like this, and being vulnerable in this way still felt… weird. Then an image popped into her imagination, of Monika gently rubbing her head as she napped on the other girl's lap, the way that she always saw in manga, and her cheeks got even hotter.

There was a moment of crowd noise as Monika hesitated."Uh, sure, that's… fine. Just… are you sure that would be very comfortable? With the wooden floors and stuff? Why not just come to my house?"

"Your parents won't yell at you for having me over without notice?"

"No, of course not! I'm gonna leave the school in, like, ten minutes. Do you wanna just meet at my mom's house? I'll grab the next couple volumes of your manga from the club room for you, and then we can just chill in my room."

"O-okay. I'll see you in a bit then."

"Alright!" Monika made kissy noises into the phone before hanging up. Natsuki was excited to see her room. Or at least _one of them,_ considering the girl had one at each parent's house.

Before closing her phone, she sent the picture Of Yuri in the boys uniform to the group text with Sayori and Em that Monika had created the other day. [Yuri's off to the doctor, but I didn't want y'all to miss the loaner uniform she got.]

Sayori gushed over it as expected. Hopefully the picture being as well-received as she had promised would be a small step toward Yuri not hating her.

Natsuki stood up, and began her walk to Monika's house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so excited to release this chapter! I wanted to sit on it a little longer, in order to make some progress into the following chapter, but I just couldn't wait any more. I'm a huge sucker for the scenes where someone discovers Yuri's cutting for the first time. And since I'm not writing Yuri with emotionally abusive parents this time, I wanted to do something I haven't seen before in ddlc fanfics and have someone do what's *probably* the right thing in most cases, forcing her to tell her parental figure and get help.
> 
> And I thought it would be a neat little twist to have the one who makes the discovery be somebody other than Yuri's romantic interest. I do have plans for how these events affect each of their arcs though- it's not just there for the sake of being a twist.
> 
> I'd absolutely love to hear what you guys think of this one. was it good? Or too melodramatic or indulgent?
> 
> Also, if you're interested, I've added a couple stories to my compilation of shorter DDLC fics called tidbits!  
> <https://archiveofourown.org/works/26149366/chapters/63622117>
> 
> Hope your week goes alright!


	16. Crash (Monika)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Monika does a lot of worrying about a lot of things, and ends up accidentally startling her girlfriend.

Monika's eyes shot open as wide as they could possibly go, as she hyperventilated in the darkness. Her skin quickly became slick with sweat as she laid, paralyzed, and for a brief moment, believed that she was dying. 

She wasn't dying, of course, and the sensation was actually nothing new to Monika, who would find herself crashing awake into a full-out panic attack once every few weeks, but in that half-conscious moment of adrenaline, when her brain hadn't fully woken up, and her heart was pumping so hard that it _hurt terribly—_ when her lungs felt like they were full of _angry, swarming bees_ that were also _on fire_ — it was impossible to remember. Impossible to be rational.

After a few seconds of _primal terror_ , her consciousness and awareness started to fade in. It was okay- she wasn't going to die. This happened _kind of a lot._

After a minute she got her breathing back under control, to some extent, and released her death grip on the bed sheets.

After two more minutes, she finally stopped shivering, though her heart was pounding hard as ever.

Around the time she first started highschool, there was a period of two or so months that it would happen _every night,_ often multiple times, and it had probably been the worst span of time in Monika's whole life. Even worse than when Sarah first moved away. Nocturnal panic disorder was a cruel monster— not only had it ripped her from the healing embrace of sleep so often, but it had given her a whole new set of anxiety about falling asleep in the first place, which made that task infinitely more difficult. 

Monika shuddered. This was happening a lot more lately. It was _coming back_.

She wasn't _ready_ for it to come back.

But Monika worried. She worried _a lot,_ about _a lot_ of things, and each little worry was like cranking a winch one more rotation, until the tension was liable to snap her rope.

Aside from the usual, more general anxieties, like school and her parents, Monika was starting to piece together some concerning details about Natsuki's home life. The preoccupation the smaller girl seemed to have with food, and the smell of stale beer that seemed to linger on her hair and clothes. Her sensitivity toward loud noises and certain types of motion and touch. The way she tensed up at the notion of Monika visiting her apartment. She'd get all weird like that whenever Monika started to approach _any_ of these subjects, really. She'd either shut down or snap or just _leave…_

There was also the effect on her other relationships. The previous day, Monika had been hit with the realization that she'd spent next to no time with her other friends since getting together with Natsuki two weeks prior (with the exception of the literature club members, who both of them knew). She hadn't intended it, but she was becoming one of the friends who disappears the minute they get into a relationship. She didn't want to be that person.

And then there was Yuri. She'd been acting very strange the day of the festival, and she hadn't returned to school until Tuesday of the following week. Since returning, she'd been absent from the literature club. She'd apparently been very sick, and was going for "follow-up appointments" after school, but it didn't really add up. If she needed to see a doctor daily, was she really healthy enough to come back? Was it a cover for something else?

She _had_ truly been sick— when Sayori tried to check in with Yuri, she'd gotten a text back from her aunt that confirmed the girl was in the hospital, which itself was frightening. But it just _felt_ like there was more going on behind the scenes. Monika had sat with Yuri at lunch the day after she came back, and the girl had hardly said a word— just stared blankly at the tabletop as she ate less than half of her food. The other club members had expressed similar concerns from the times they ran into her at school, saying she only seemed half there, and looked pretty miserable. It seemed more like something traumatic had happened to her than an illness.

And Yuri tied into Monika's other insecurities about Natsuki— what had Yuri _'opened up'_ about on the day of the festival? Monika had spent time with her girlfriend on several occasions since that day, but Nats still wouldn't tell her. She insisted it was _private,_ and had even said that Yuri was probably going to hate her from now on. Did Yuri have feelings for Natsuki, which she'd confessed that day? Was she shot down? She'd thought the purple-haired girl loved Sayori, but if it were Natsuki, it would explain her avoidance of the club, and why Nats thought the other girl would hate her. Maybe Yuri's reaction would be a bit extreme in that case, but still...

_But why doesn't Natsuki trust me enough to tell me?_

Were the feelings not totally unrequited? Had Natsuki just turned the other girl down out of obligation? What if Nats was getting frustrated with how slow they were taking their relationship— would she leave Monika for Yuri if she was left unsatisfied for too long? Two weeks wasn't _that_ long, right? She wasn't being unreasonable, was she?? They'd cuddled a bit, and exchanged kisses on the cheek, but Monika wasn't comfortable with _making out_ or _'feeling up'_ or anything like that, which Natsuki seemed to want… 

And there was also the chance that this theory was complete bunk— that Yuri had, like, a _brain tumor_ or some other awful illness, and Monika was just being a horrible friend by jumping to these paranoid, jealous conclusions.

These were the kinds of subjects Monika's brain always went back to, as if magnetized, and even in the unconsciousness of sleep, she seemingly couldn't escape them (or at least their side effects). This panic attack was the second incident in the past week— a much shorter interval than usual.

Still catching her breath, Moni got out of bed and staggered to the bathroom, retrieving her medication from the second drawer. She'd been off the daily meds for a year, but she still used what the psychiatrist called 'situational' medication, for emergencies. Technically, treating panic was an off-label use for this medicine, which essentially just forced the heart rate to slow. But they did help, and her heart, while not _exploding,_ like before, was still beating a lot faster than usual, so she took two tabs and swallowed them down with some tap water.

She needed some time to recover from this one before she tried to sleep again, so Monika grabbed her phone from her room and headed downstairs. She sat down on the floor, beside the back door in the kitchen, and rested her cheek against the cool glass. Cold temperatures were supposed to be helpful for anxiety, but she didn't want to fully commit and go stand outside— this was good enough. 

Monika took out her phone and opened instagram with her alt account, which followed precisely zero celebrities, classmates, or family members— it exclusively followed accounts that shared pictures and videos of cute animals. So she sat, looking at fluffy little chicks and dopey guinea pigs and fat toads wearing tiny crochet hats for almost half an hour. She was starting to feel tired again as the dizzying nerves from her panic attack settled and her meds kicked in, but a thought crossed her mind— during the literature club's recent meetings, they'd arranged a party for Sayori's birthday, which was now just over a week away. However, not everyone had been at those meetings.

She opened the group message with Sayori, Em, and Natsuki, (the two new students who had tried the club after the festival had ultimately stopped coming after two or three meetings, so it was still just the five of them that comprised the club). She typed out, [Hey, did anyone tell Yuri about the sleepover? Doesn't she usually work Saturdays???]

Having expected someone might answer in several hours when they woke up, Monika was surprised to feel her phone immediately buzz.

Sayori: [Late night squaddd]

Sayori: [AAH I would have told her. I forgot she didn't already know Q_Q ]

Sayori: [But her aunt is making her take a few months off from her job, so hopefully she's free]

Sayori: [I'll text her now. Thanks for the reminder!!]

_So Sayori managed to get Yuri to talk a little bit, at least. But what is she doing up?_

Monika knew Sayori didn't have the best sleep schedule, but this was pretty bad. It was a school night, or, well, _morning_ , technically. At least it was _Friday_ morning, meaning Sayori would only have to slog through one day with next to no sleep, but still...

Monika: [Sayori it's almost 3am. What are you doing awake? I just woke up to use the bathroom…]

The last part was a lie, but her friends didn't need to know about her disorder quite yet.

_They might find out at the sleepover if I'm unlucky…_

Her phone buzzing again pulled her away from the anxious thought.

Sayori: [I tried to sleep, but my brain wouldn't let meee]

Monika sighed. What did that mean? Was she just amped up, or did Sayori have some kind of awful problem that she was dealing with too? Was she having the same kind of panic attacks? She typed out one last message before she stood up.

Monika: [Well I'm going back to sleep. You should try too, alright? Take care of yourself <3 Night.]

[G'night!!!], came Sayori's reply.

Rolling her eyes, Monika climbed into bed and wrapped herself in the now-chilly covers. If only they could have magically stayed warm for the time she'd been away. She wiggled around inside to heat them up faster with friction. As the warmth gradually returned, she began to drift closer to sleep, and soon her consciousness faded out once more.

Monika awoke feeling well rested. Which was strange, considering what had happened in the night. She'd probably only been awake for about an hour, but the panic attacks themselves were so draining that they could basically undo hours of rest in a matter of minutes. The girl sat up and felt her heart drop into her stomach when she saw her bedside clock, which stated the time as 11:16am.

_What the hell?_ Monika never slept through her alarm. What had happened? She opened her phone, half out of habit and half to check if the clock was somehow wrong about the time. It was indeed nearly noon, but Monika found her answer in the form of a text chain from her mother, buried under a couple more recent ones from Natsuki. (She was staying with her mom for a second week in a row due to an emergency business trip that her dad had to take to his company's other branch, on the opposite coast of the country.)

6:39am

[Last night sounded like a bad one, and it looks like you had to use your meds too.] 

[I shut off your alarm so you could get some rest.]

[Called the school for you. You're free to take the day off, or go in late] 

[Love you honey <3]

Monika felt some of her anxiety subside after reading that. At least it wasn't her fault, and the school wasn't going to think she was playing hooky. She checked her messages from Natsuki before getting up.

8:03am

[Not at school- you okay?]

9:41am

[Cool don't answer.]

[We were supposed to have the same lunch period today too.]

[Have fun barfing or whatever. Jerk.]

9:44am

[I'm joking don't get anxious over that like you always do]

[Hope you feel better. <3 ]

Monika still felt her heart flutter whenever she got texts from Natsuki. Now she just wanted to see her girlfriend so badly. If she hurried, she could make it to school for lunch, so she hopped to her feet and started getting ready.

After taking an express shower and brushing her teeth, Monika threw on her uniform and headed downstairs. She could do without makeup today. Instead, she spent that time gathering double the lunch she would normally take from the available snacks and leftovers, and bagging it for Natsuki. There would probably be backlash from her girlfriend at first, but Monika had a plan— she'd recently revisited some of her favorite manga from when she was younger, in order to have something else to relate with Natsuki over, and she'd noticed that a girl making lunches for her romantic interest seemed to be fairly common in shojo stories. If she could convince Nats that she thought this trope was cute and wanted to recreate it, then maybe the other girl would more willingly accept the charity.and she'd be a little better fed.

_Too bad I don't have any bento boxes to really sell the idea…_

She grabbed a coat and pulled it over her uniform jacket, then set off toward school. A cold front had set in a few days ago, making the walk to school somewhat unpleasant. Maybe the nurse had the right idea, giving Yuri a boys' uniform the day of the festival. Pants would be a lot warmer than this skirt, and it would technically still fall within the dress code...

Soon enough she arrived at the school and headed straight to the main office to check in. The secretary greeted her by name when she entered, "Hi Monika. Sick this morning?" She turned in her club paperwork to this guy more often than not, so he recognized her.

"Yeah," Monika nodded, "but I'm feeling a bit better now."

"Good. Just… don't push yourself too hard, okay? You still look a bit tired."

_Ugh._

Monika faked a smile as he checked her into the attendance system. Every time she didn't wear makeup, she always had people saying she looked _tired_ or _sick_. Usually boys. But boys on the internet would always talk about girls wearing too much makeup, and how they were _naturally beautiful_ and all that. 

As if they knew what they were talking about.

As if she wore it _for them._

Maybe she should give the secretary the benefit of the doubt, though— her mom had literally called the school and reported her sick, so he'd be primed to think she looked tired when she showed up.

As she left the office, Monika shook her head, clearing the annoyance from her mind. She was gonna get to see Nats in, like, twelve minutes— it would be great! She just had to go to her world history class until the bell rung. Awkwardly, Monika entered her classroom while the teacher was talking, and sat down. A few acquaintances greeted her with nods or smiles. It seemed a little silly to sit in for such a short time, but their class had the second lunch shift today, meaning she'd be coming back for the rest of the lesson after eating. Hopefully the lecture would make some kind of sense even though she missed the beginning. This teacher's lectures followed the textbook pretty closely, though, so she could probably catch up by just reading the chapter if she needed to.

When the bell rang, Monika stood up and walked among the other students with a spring in her step. She carried the food she'd prepared for both of them in a little canvas bag. Her heart leapt when she saw her girlfriend not too far ahead of her, and she quickly caught up to wrap her in a tight hug.

"Natsuki! I missed—" Monika froze as the shorter girl let out an anguished yelp, clutching at her right arm near the shoulder. A fraction of a second later, her head exploded in pain as Natsuki's left elbow swung around and collided directly with her temple. She dropped her lunch bag as she stumbled off to the side— it was all she could do not to completely fall over.

"Who the _FUCK—_ M-Monika??? W-what are you doing here?!?"

Moni lifted her head to see Natsuki, but she couldn't respond. She was disoriented, and her head was throbbing _awfully_ , and the second she saw Natsuki's frantic expression, full of confusion and anger and _fear_ , it felt like she was going to burst into tears at any moment. She hurriedly turned around and ran off to the nearest bathroom and locked herself in a stall.

Even when she was actually using the toilet, Monika didn't like to sit on the seat in public restrooms— it kinda grossed her out, so she'd just hover above, or at least use some of the disinfecting wipes she kept in her school bag to sanitize it before she sat down. But now she wasn't in there to use the toilet, and she didn't have her sanitary wipes, and somehow the idea of sitting on her skirt on the toilet seat seemed just as gross as actually touching it with her skin, if not worse, so instead she just stood there— she stood uncomfortably, trying to avoid touching or leaning on any of the walls, feeling dizzy and guilty, and so, _so_ hurt.

It took all of the energy Monika could muster to keep from breaking down into sobs. This was her fault. She knew Natsuki was easily startled, and she'd still hugged her from behind less than a second after saying her name, and… 

Monika thought of the way Natsuki clutched at her arm in pain.

Natsuki's father had hurt her. He must have. 

And she'd just made it worse.

But even knowing that, Monika was… what was she? 'Angry' wasn't the right word— there wasn't animosity. She was _upset_ that Natsuki had bashed her in the head, and she really didn't want to see her right now, despite her excitement five minutes ago.Her deeply wounded feelings had fallen upon that desire and crushed it. 

Which is why a shiver went up her spine when she heard the other girl's voice call out in the bathroom. "Moni? A-are you alright?"

Monika felt a flush creeping up her neck. They weren't alone in this bathroom. There were at least two other girls who had stopped in on their way to or from the cafeteria. This was humiliating. 

_Should I reply? Will she give up if I stay quiet, or will she keep making a scene?_

It appeared that the pink-haired girl chose the latter as her voice piped up again, "I-I'm sorry for hitting you. It was an accident. B-but it looked like it really hurt. Can I take you to the nurse?"

Monika sighed. "I'm fine. Go eat lunch. Y-you can have what's in my bag."

Natsuki huffed. "C'mon Monika…"

With a nervous swallow, Moni replied, "I-I'm fine, okay? I'm just not hungry anymore. Go eat and—"

"—Oh fuck off with that! I'm your girlfriend, and I hurt you. That means it's on me to make sure you're okay. I'm taking you to the nurse! I'll wait out here as long as I have to."

Monika felt herself shrinking as she was scolded through the door of the bathroom stall. Apparently 'can I take you to the nurse' wasn't _actually_ a question, even though it had been phrased like one.

There was a silence for several moments. Monika heard the other girl's leave the bathroom as she worked up the courage to speak leaving just the two of them. "F-fine, just… give me a minute okay? Can you wait outside?"

" _Ugh_ , fine," came a slightly played-up reply from Natsuki. Monika could tell from her voice that Nats was actually relieved that she agreed. Once Natsuki was outside the room, Moni emerged from the stall. She wiped her face with a dampened paper towel and took some deep breaths. Her head was still aching quite a bit, and the deep breathing didn't help, but it did help get her nerves back under control.

She exited the bathroom to find Natsuki digging through her lunch bag. "You packed two of everything…" stated the pink-haired girl, with a conflicted expression.

"Y-yeah," Monika said as they started to walk. "I… um, s-since you're so into manga, I started reading some of the series I used to again, to… like… share in your interests."

Natsuki tilted her head quizzically. Apparently she hadn't expected the answer to be in this vein.

Monika continued, feeling her cheeks start to heat up. "I realized that it's common for manga characters to make lunches for the person they like, a-and I thought it was cute, so… uh, yeah." It was only a half-lie. Even though her real goal was to make sure Natsuki had regular meals, the idea still really appealed to Moni on a more basic level.

"O-oh…" Natsuki blushed. "I, uh… that's… really nice."

Monika smiled at her girlfriend's fluster. Soon they arrived at the infirmary, and Natsuki opened the door for her. 

"Welcome!" The nurse greeted them with a smile. "Is everyone okay?"

Monika started, "Um, I snuck up behind her and gave her a hug, a-and she was... a bit startled and, uh…" she tried to think of a way to phrase it that would ensure Natsuki didn't get any blame.

"I elbowed her right in the temple," Nats stated flatly. "Really damn hard."

"Oh, alright. Can you come sit down?" The man looked at Monika, gesturing toward a chair. She walked over and sat down, and he proceeded to ask her several questions, and do a few tests, which he explained were to make sure she didn't have a concussion. 

Once that was through, he gave her some ibuprofen on the promise that she'd eat something at lunch. "Come back if the headache gets bad, or if you start to feel nauseous, or anything like that, okay?" 

Monika nodded as the man turned toward Natsuki. "How about your elbow? Is it okay?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah, it's fine. Moni can have a thick skull sometimes, but not hard enough to break my arm."

Monika rolled her eyes at the joke, before she remembered why Natsuki had reacted the way she did. "What about your shoulder? It seemed like that was the reason you were so startled— it was hurting you a lot, wasn't it?"

The myriad of emotions that cycled over Natsuki's face in the next fraction of a second was overwhelming— far too fast for Monika to keep up with. "N-no, I was mostly just scared by the suddenness of it. A-anyway, I'm gonna head to lunch now, Alice is texting me. **"**

The nurse called after her, "Hey, don't forget to return that spare uniform when you get a chance." 

"Right, s-sorry." She stopped by the door. "My dad keeps forgetting to add more money to our laundromat card, b-but I'll get it washed and returned soon."

"Oh, don't bother with that. We have to wash them once they're back either way. Protocol. But could you remind your friend too, if you see her?"

Natsuki nodded as she slipped out the door. The sudden shift in her demeanor had been jarring, and Monika hadn't been able to react quickly enough to say anything to before she was gone.

She made awkward eye contact with the nurse for a moment as she floundered, then broke off. "Well, uh… thanks for the Advil."

He smiled. "Sure, let me get this logged so you can head to lunch." He sat back down in his rollie chair as he logged into the computer. As he entered Monika's information, and notes about the incident into his software, he went on, "In my experience, when someone has a rough home life… it's usually best to wait until they're _ready_ to ask for help before you do anything. Unless they're in life-threatening danger, of course, but… if they're not ready to accept help, then trying to force it can make things a lot worse."

_Wow, this guy catches on fast._

"Uh… th-thanks."

"Oof," he said, reading something from the screen, "you've barely been here for twenty minutes and you got bashed in the head? Sounds like a rough day."

She nodded. "Yeah… yeah, I guess so.

When Monika finished up and made her way to the cafeteria, Natsuki and her friends were nowhere to be found. It was somewhat upsetting, knowing her girlfriend had avoided her, but at least she'd taken her half of the lunch, and wouldn't have to go hungry.

Monika sat with some of her other friends, who were pretty worried about her at first— apparently a rumor had formed and morphed in the ten or so minutes since she was hit. They'd heard that someone had attacked her and punched her in the face in the hallway. She explained that it had been an accident with her startled girlfriend and tried to quickly change the subject. Eventually her friends obliged, but not before grilling her for info about Natsuki, who most of them still hadn't met. Maybe this was a small silver lining to thebsituation— she had been worried about not spending enough time with her non-literature-club friends...

After lunch, though, Monika had trouble concentrating in her remaining classes that day. Partly because of the headache, which the ibuprofen had dulled but not completely done away with, and partly because of Natsuki. If she'd convinced her friends to go elsewhere in order to avoid Monika at lunch, she must've been pretty upset.

These thoughts didn't leave her for the rest of the day, which is why Monika felt her heart racing faster and faster as she approached the club room, and why her chest seized up when Natsuki asked, "Can we talk?" the moment she entered.

"I… uh, y-yeah, okay," Monika stammered. 

She felt a lump of dread growing in her gut.

_She's gonna break up with me, isn't she? No, please, no._

Monika found herself on the verge of panic as Natsuki led her to an empty neighboring classroom to talk. Rosy pink eyes focused on the floor as the shorter girl shifted awkwardly. "Um… so… I-I'm sorry about earlier. For hitting you and then avoiding you. I know that you had good intentions with what you were doing, but…"

_Oh no, here it comes. "I don't think this is working," or "we're just not compatible," or "you aren't worth the hassle."_

Monika braced herself for the worst, before Natsuki said, "I think I need to set a couple boundaries, l-like you mentioned that time I kissed you too much."

Oh… Boundaries were good. Boundaries meant the relationship wasn't over!

"O-of course!" Monika nodded eagerly, and offered an expectant look for her girlfriend to continue, a wave of relief tingling in her shoulders.

"I… I know you weren't, like, _trying to scare me,_ or anything, but please don't ever sneak up behind me like that." Monika nodded. That was an easy one. She looked back, waiting for Natsuki to continue. " A-and the other thing, please don't… uh… do… the thing you tried to with the nurse."

What was she talking ab—... oh. 

Natsuki… didn't want her to do anything about her father. They'd never discussed it openly, but Nats seemed to realize that Monika had her suspicions about her home life. And the first time they talked about it explicitly was going to be… _this?_

"B-but… he… he... You're _living_ with him and he _hurts_ you, doesn't he?" Monika shrank down as hopelessness engulfed her. Why would Natsuki push back against this? What kind of person would she be if she stopped trying to protect her girlfriend?

Natsuki gripped her arm near the elbow, fidgeting with the fabric of her uniform. "It's not that simple. He's the only family I have. And besides, this time was my fault. I… I hit him first. He just made me so mad, talking about mom, and… I slapped him."

Monika stared, taken aback, before she found her voice again.

"That doesn't matter, Natsuki! He's a grown-ass adult man and you're a sm— a-a _petite,_ underaged girl who's _dependent_ on him. And he's leaving bruises on you! It's unacceptable!

"You weren't there!" Natsuki replied forcefully. "You don't know _shit_ about what happened, okay?!? That's my boundary, alright?!? So you can take it or leave it!" She crossed her arms and turned around. 

Monika stood, mouth agape, for a moment as she processed this. In this context, 'take it or leave it' probably meant something like 'you have to accept this boundary if you want this relationship to continue.'

Tears stung at the back of her eyes, but Monika wouldn't let them out. That would be… unfair? She had to be strong here. 

"I… _fine._ I _really_ don't like it, a-and I think you deserve _so much better_ than to let him treat you that way, but I… I can't just give up on you."

a silence fell between them. Monika actually felt a tiny moment of pride after saying that. She hadn't shied away from this confrontation. She'd directly expressed her feelings for once!

Said moment was interrupted when, in the blink of an eye, Natsuki pressed herself tightly against Monika, hiding her face against the taller girl's shoulder.

"Good," she said. Her voice was suddenly weak and cracking. "cause… well… I-I know it's selfish after all that, b-but I really need you to comfort me." The last few words came out as a strangled squeak, as Natsuki fought desperately to hold back tears.

Monika's arms snaked around the smaller girl and held her gently. She'd been so preoccupied with justifying her actions— with fighting Natsuki to _let_ her help her— that she'd forgotten to consider the emotional toll it took. For Natsuki to go through all that, and then have to spend so much effort hiding and _defending_ it, even risking their relationship to do so… Monika shuddered. She needed to think about this kind of thing more often. She needed to be a better girlfriend.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now Natsuki's home life is out in the open, at least between these two, and a boundary has been set! I think this knowledge being accepted between them will make for an interesting change in their dynamic, and I'm excited tow work with it moving forward.
> 
> Happy new year, everyone!!! (for those reading from the future, this update was published on 2020-12-31, or New Year's Eve) Thank you so much for sticking with me through this story for the majority of it- it's already been almost 8 months since the first chapter was published! The amount of love everyone's shared despite the fandom being a bit quiet, and my relatively-slow updates, has been astounding. Thank you all so much. I'm not exaggerating when I say that readers have made my day on many occasions with your kind comments and kudos. 
> 
> I know Monika does some questionable things in this story, kind of going behind the backs of Natsuki and her friends, so my goal here was to show that while misguided, it kind of comes from a place of genuine caring, that troubles her down to her core.
> 
> Also nocturnal panic disorder sucks! A lot of what Monika's dealing with here is projection/venting. My headcanon for this story is that she has awake panic attacks once in a while, such as right before talking to her mom in chapter... uh... 10? i think?-- but like 90% of the time they strike in the night.
> 
> Sorry this one took a bit longer than usual- this time I didn't really start it until after ch15 was already published, which hasn't usually been the case for this fic. It will be the case for the next chapter, again, though, so that one might also be 3 or so weeks instead of 2 or so weeks. I might take a break soon to build up a bit of a pipeline. But anyway, thank you so much for reading! I hope this new year is better for you than the last!


	17. Concerned (Sayori)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sayori goes to visit Yuri on the weekend

Was this the right thing to do? 

Sayori had an uneasy feeling in her gut as she swiped her bus pass and sat down. (She probably should have walked, but she just wasn't feeling it that day. The weather was _quite_ chilly, and she was _quite_ lazy.) She looked over the text messages from Yuri's aunt for what was probably the hundredth time.

[Would you like to come by for dinner this Saturday?]

[Yuri has been very down. I think she misses going to your club.]

'Down' wasn't quite a strong enough word to describe the way Yuri had seemed in the days since she got back from the hospital. 'Vacant' might have been a better choice, or even 'zombified,' if Sayori was feeling adventurous. Admittedly, the purple-haired girl hadn't returned to the literature club yet, so their interactions had been limited to just the mornings before class and a few times at lunch, but even with that small amount of time, the impression was strong.

Sayori wasn't quite sure if company was the thing Yuri needed right now. Her upperclassman seemed to value alone time in comforting, familiar places, and in the hospital, she'd probably gotten _none_ of that. But when Sayori had texted Yuri to check if it was okay for her to come, she had agreed, so… it was probably fine? Maybe?

It would be a good chance for Sayo to check in with her friend anyway. If Yuri seemed too burnt-out or stressed, she could just leave early and give the other girl some space... 

Sayori sighed and looked out the bus window. The sky was mostly cloudy, with a few breaks here and there, gusting wind that tossed dead palm fronds and leaves about. The bus drew her closer toward the city, and the free-standing houses gave way to apartment buildings and townhouse complexes.

She hopped off the bus at the closest stop to one such complex, and a blast of wind immediately shot straight through her fleece coat. Maybe taking the bus had been the right call after all— not just the lazy option, but also the smart one!

_Or maybe I'm just trying to justify my bad habits, like the piece of trash I am…_

Sayori shook her head and started wandering the area, looking for Yuri's unit. The grounds were kept nicely, and she was surprised to see nobody out walking their dogs, before she remembered Yuri saying no pets were allowed here. 

Eventually, Sayori found the right unit number amongst the maze of identical, conjoined homes, and knocked on the door. It swung open to reveal a woman with shoulder-length chestnut hair, wearing a dress with a really cute lemon pattern (that Sayori was low-key jealous of) beneath a cardigan. 

_Does Yuri's aunt have a young fashion sense, or do I have mom style? Jeez, I hope it's the first one…_

"Hi, you must be Sayori," said the woman, stepping aside to invite her in. "My name is Yuri, but, ah... you can just call me _Ri_ or _Yu_ or something, so it doesn't get confusing."

_I guess Yuri is named after her? That's sweet._

"Nice to meet you!" Sayori said, bowing slightly as she stepped inside. It wasn't quite as engrained in her country's culture as in other nations, but bowing was still a polite, _optional_ thing to do when meeting someone new. Plus, Yuri had mentioned once that her aunt and mother were actually _born in_ Japan _,_ rather than just descended from immigrants like Sayori's own family, so it seemed appropriate in this case. 

As Sayori removed her shoes, gratefully accepting the guest slippers offered by Ri, she took in the layout of the house. Immediately in front of the door were the stairs to the second floor, and to the side was a Japanese-style family room, with floor cushions around a low table, and a small TV in the corner.

Ri cleared her throat. "I think Yuri might be napping. I meant to wake her a while ago, but I lost track of time. But I'll go let her know you're here!"

As the woman hurried up the stairs, a bearded man about the same age stood up from one of the floor cushions to greet her. "Uh, hi, I'm Tadashi, your friend's uncle. Nice to meet you."

"Thanks for having me! I'm Sayori." She could tell this guy wasn't much of a conversationalist, but he seemed nice enough. 

"Can I get you something to drink? Tea? Water? Soda?" he asked.

Sayori waved a hand. "No thanks. Mind if I sit to wait for Yuri, though?" She gestured toward one of the cushions. 

"Of course, go right ahead," he said with a smile, before wandering off to the kitchen. Left alone in the room, Sayori's eyes wandered to the photographs hanging from the wall. There was a wedding picture of Ri and Tadashi, some shots of Yuri's not-so-nice cousin, and several others, but one in particular drew her attention. It was a much younger Ri, probably around twenty, with another lady, who resembled both Yuri and her aunt in certain subtle ways. The photo was set in front of a famous statue in the capitol, where the woman stood with a bold, confident smile, and an arm wrapped around Yuri's aunt.

_That must be Yuri's mom, huh? Pretty,_ Sayori mused as she lowered herself down on a cushion. As she shifted to get comfortable, Yuri's aunt came back down the stairs, and walked over to sit beside her. "Yuri's getting dressed, so she should be just a minute," she said. "So are you also a third-year, like Yuri?"

"Well…" Sayori scratched at the back of her head, blushing. "I-I should be, but I was held back in kindergarten, so I'm a second year."

Sayori often forgot that she was closer in age to the students a year above her, thinking of them as 'older' schoolmates. She wondered if she might technically be older than Yuri.

"I see. That's nothing to be ashamed of. Yuri had to re-do a year too, y'know. But everyone develops at different rates, and it's pretty crazy to force kids into school at five years old, when you think about it," the woman reassured. "I'd say you're doing pretty well if you're the vice president of a club in your second year of high school," she smiled. "Quite the accomplishment."

The complement kept Sayori's flush from fading, as she wondered how someone as academically skilled as Yuri had been held back a year in school. "W-well, it's not too hard when you're one of the first two members, hehe. I think Yuri would probably be more suited to it, since she's so smart."

Ri rolled her eyes with a chuckle. "Oh, honey, don't be silly. She may read more than anyone, but that kind of role takes _leadership skills_. And from what she tells me, the meetings don't go so well when you're not around. Don't sell yourself short."

Sayori nodded. The embarrassment just wouldn't end. "Does Yuri talk about the club often?" she asked.

"Hmm," Ri hummed, scratching at her cheek in thought. "It's hard to say. She was pretty closed off for a _long_ time, and just the other week she started to trust me a little more. But now she's been pretty depressed since she, ah... had to go to the hospital, so she hasn't been talking much since then." When the woman mentioned the hospital, Sayori noticed a heavy exhaustion in her eyes, as if the mention of the experience had called it to the surface. Her makeup helped to hide it, but not completely. Maybe mental fatigue was part of the reason she was being so forthcoming. "I got her back for a couple days, though," Ri muttered, mostly to herself.

_'Got her back,' huh? So Yuri used to be more open… maybe before her mom died?_

Before Sayori could follow up, she heard slow footsteps on the stairs, and looked up to see Yuri peeking out where the wall ended.

Flashing a smile at the purple-haired girl, Sayori waved her hand, and after a moment's hesitation, Yuri continued down the stairs. She was wearing a red tracksuit that looked pretty soft and comfy. 

The way the girl walked out into the family room reminded Sayori of this nature documentary she'd seen, with gazelles or _impalas_ or… _something like that_ grazing in the open grass— her movements were somehow both graceful and apprehensive, just like the animals, simultaneously paranoid and elegant, in a way that shouldn't be possible.

The scene in the documentary ended with one of the gazelle things getting eaten by a cheetah, though, so she probably shouldn't have invested so much in the silly comparison— nobody here was planning on cannibalizing Yuri.

"Hi, S-Sayori."

As Yuri drew closer and took a seat, Sayori could see the same exhaustion in her dull eyes, maybe even more so than in her aunt. What was going on to wear her down so much? Even after napping? Just what exactly _were_ these appointments she was missing the club for? 

An awkward silence settled over them for just a moment, before Sayori spoke up. "So, uh, did you ever figure out if you can make it to the sleepover?"

Em and Monika had planned a sleepover for the club to celebrate Sayori's upcoming birthday. She'd been opposed at first, not wanting to cause any trouble for her friends, but once it became clear that they weren't giving up, she decided to go along with it. 

"Hm?" Yuri's aunt looked toward her niece. "What's this?"

The purple-haired girl's eyes widened. "I-I forgot to ask about it! I'm so sorry!"

"It's alright, Yuri," Sayori said, before turning to Ri. "The members of the literature club are throwing me a birthday party next Saturday."

"I see," the woman turned toward Yuri. "Well, young lady, are you comfortable with that kind of thing? It sounds like it could be fun."

"I-I…" Yuri's eyes darted between them before pointing back down at her lap. She took a deep breath before speaking. "I don't know. I'm… nervous about it."

"There's no need to be nervous, it's just the same four people you see every day," Sayo reassured.

Yuri grimaced, still avoiding eye contact. "I-I've never been to a sleepover before." Sayori could tell from her body language and her expression that it was just an excuse— that she had some other objection she was hiding. But who was she to try and force Yuri to open up?

"I think you might regret it if you avoid going, honey," Ri cut in. "What's the real reason, dear? You told me and Dr. Tsubaki that you already opened up to Sayori, honey, right? So there's no need to hide anything, right?"

Yuri tensed up. Sayori's eyes widened as the puzzle pieces fell into place in her mind. Somehow, Yuri's family had found out about her anxiety and depression. Maybe while she was hospitalized? 

_Or was that why she was hospitalized?!?_

It would explain her absence from school, and then from the club, if she was being monitored for some kind of psychiatric treatment. 

Yuri shrank a little as she prepared to speak. "I-it's Natsuki. I… I don't know if I can f-face her… th-things didn't exactly go smoothly when she walked me home, a-and she got mad, and _yelled,_ and... I don't know if she'll want me there. Sh-she probably thinks I'm a freak now."

"I don't think so, honey," reassured Yuri's aunt. "The fact that she made you talk to me when she found out shows that she cares about you. If she actually thought you were a freak, would she have done that?"

So Natsuki had found out about Yuri's issues, and made her talk to her aunt about them? That would explain why Nats seemed so worried about the purple-haired girl's absence. 

But why would Yuri think Natsuki would view her as a _freak_ because of anxiety? That was a bit of a leap. Had the bullying just conditioned Yuri to think of every possible flaw in that way, or was Sayori missing some kind of context?

She cleared her throat. "Yeah, don't worry at all. Natsuki doesn't hate you or anything. I think she might even miss you a bit, even if she'd never say it." Sayori touched Yuri's hand as she joked. It was pleasantly warm. "Besides, even if she did have a problem with you, she'll be too busy acting all lovey dovey with Monika to really think about it much. It's gonna be the first time they've spent a night together."

Yuri seemed a little more hopeful, but still hesitant. She looked back and forth between Sayori and her lap several times as she tried to put words together. "I just… w-what if it gets overwhelming? I don't want to freak out and ruin it for everyone else by… b-being the way I am. I-I've never stayed at someone else's house, aside from Auntie's before I lived here. A-and having so many other people..."

"Give us more credit than that," Sayori said, lightly bonking the top of the other girl's head and donning her warmest smile. "We're your friends okay? We all know you well enough not to get offended if you need some space. Just bring a book or two, and you don't need to socialize any more than you're comfortable with."

For the first time in several minutes, Yuri made eye contact, though only for a brief moment. "A-alright. I'll… I'll come." 

"That's great, honey!" Ri smiled at her niece. I'm gonna go see what Tadashi is up to." With that she excused herself, leaving the two girls alone.

"W-would you like to come upstairs?" Yuri asked. She seemed uncomfortable in the family room.

"Alright."

Hadn't Yuri mentioned sharing a room with her cousin? Would it be any more private than downstairs? Maybe if he was away, but as they neared the top of the stairs, she heard the muffled sound of a guy yelling and objects being smashed— sounds she was familiar with from all of her little brother's video games. But then Yuri led her into a weird little entryway and through one of two small doors. 

"Th-this is my room," she said, blushing lightly. It was pretty cramped, and cluttered with all manner of meticulously arranged items, but seemed cozy enough. Sayori closed the door behind her to give them a bit of privacy, and Yuri seemed noticeably more relaxed within seconds.

"So I guess you weren't kidding when you said they gave you half the room! I thought you meant you shared a room with Shota," Sayori commented as she sat down on the bed, leaning back on the pile of pillows and stuffed animals.

Yuri nodded, looking a bit guilty. "We did for a few weeks when I first moved in here. B-but A-Auntie insisted that I have some privacy, so they had this put up.

_Maybe I shouldn't have brought it up. She did seem to feel bad about it when she told me that day… I guess it's too late though._

"I'm surprised the landlord let them do this. Or is it a temporary wall of some kind? I've never seen one that looked this real."

Yuri nodded. "My uncle's cousin did it for us. His company does things like this in office spaces, s-so the businesses that lease them can change the layout without damaging anything. I-it's held in place by tension rods, but the mouldings cover them up to make it look nice."

"That's really neat!" Sayori said. "Imagine if we could, like, stick a bunch of these walls in the club room, and set up little quiet reading booths, and then a conference room in the middle for the group meeting parts, and a little nap room…"

Yuri chuckled "that does sound nice. Th-though I think the teachers who use that room for classes would have some objections."

"I _know_ that," Sayori laughed. "There's a reason I said _'Imagine,'_ y'know!" She let out a relieved sigh. It was good to see Yuri starting to smile a bit, after a week of blankly staring into her lunch at school. "Are you gonna be able to come to the club again at some point?"

The girl nodded. "I… well… th-the doctor said it was more than necessary, but Auntie insisted on sessions every day for the first week after they let me out. B-but now it'll just be once per week, so I can make it every day but Wednesday."

"Hmmm," Sayori hummed as she took in the information. "Alright. It seems… like it's been hard. Are you _okay_ with... what's happening?"

Yuri pulled her legs tightly against her. "I… s-staying in the mental wing of the hospital was _terrible_. Auntie didn't believe me when I told her I wasn't _planning_ on killing myself, so she brought me there, and…" Yuri shivered. "Just _constantly_ being watched, a-and checked on, and... having a stranger for a roommate…" she shook her head as the fidgeting of her hands intensified. "The first two days after I got back were even worse. B-but after that it's been… _tolerable_. I don't know. E-everyone keeps saying the first few weeks of therapy are awful, but eventually you get used to it, and in the long term it helps a lot. I'm just… I-I really hope all that's true for me, because it doesn't feel anywhere near worth it yet."

So she was sent to a mental hospital? Jeez, that seemed pretty extreme. Would her parents do the same to her if they found out? Sayori felt a pang in her chest. "I'm sorry it's been such a struggle. You can come to me if you ever need a hug, okay?"

Yuri nodded, blushing lightly.

"So… Natsuki knows now? What happened there?" Sayori asked.

Yuri bit her lip as she formulated her words, staying quiet for a good thirty seconds. "I-I'd rather not get too deep into specifics, but… she saw something that would make it impossible to deny."

_She must have had a breakdown of some kind in front of Natsuki after the milk incident..._

"Ah, okay. Jeez," Sayori huffed. "It's been a traumatic couple weeks for you, hasn't it? Don't push yourself with the socializing, okay? I can stop asking questions, and we can, like, just sit quietly and watch a movie or something."

Yuri frowned. "I-I don't know. The medication the doctor gave me makes me really sleepy, since my body hasn't fully adjusted to it yet. It's strange— some people get o-overly energetic and others feel exhausted from the same medicine. I-it should get better once they've gotten me to a s-stable dose though. I-I'm getting side-tracked, aren't I? A-anyway, I've been dealing with that, a-and I kinda… had a panic attack last night and lost a lot of sleep, so between that and the side effects, I-I'll probably nod off if we watch a movie. I don't want you to have to just _sit around_ while I sleep some more."

Sayori smiled at her friend. "That's fine! We still have over an hour before dinner, right? Seems like a pretty good opportunity for a nap to me! Let me pull up Netflix on my phone..."

"Oh, um… I-I can put it on my laptop, so that you don't have to hold your phone in place."

Crawling over to the end of the bed that was up against her desk, Yuri retrieved an old-looking laptop. It took a long time to wake up, but when it did, it seemed to be in the photo gallery. The purple-haired girl looked between the screen and Sayori for a moment before turning it towards her. "This was… my mom."

Sayori looked at the screen to see the same woman from the framed picture downstairs, this time significantly older, and sitting on a park bench with a younger Yuri (somewhere around seven or eight). She giggled. “Aww, look at little you, missing that front tooth.”

With an embarrassed blush, Yuri started paging through some of the other pictures. Sayori recognized a few of the locations from different parks and features that they’d passed by on their walk through Milltown. There was even one that looked to be on the very walkway where they'd sat to watch the river together. “Th-this was my old apartment,” Yuri said, as an indoor shot of her with her mother and aunt, gathered around a birthday cake, popped on screen.

“Do you miss it at all?” Sayori asked. Yuri seemed to enjoy reminiscing over the pictures, so she moved the conversation more in that direction.

“The apartment? Hmm,” she hummed as she pondered. “I-I suppose I get nostalgic for it, b-but it’s honestly much nicer here. There were some s-scary neighbors, and cockroaches, a-and the hot water never really worked.”

“Right. My parents said that whole neighborhood used to be, uh… not as… well off as it is today.” Sayori caught herself before calling the area ‘run down'— that wording might be slightly hurtful to hear describing your childhood home.

Yuri nodded as she continued to page through pictures, somewhat entranced.

"It's nice that you have so many photos," Sayori commented. "Y'know, to... remember her with."

Yuri paused as she heard that. "Well… um…" Her expression showed conflicting feelings. "Please give me a few minutes to word this."

Sayo nodded as the girl thought. 'A few minutes' was no exaggeration, as it turned out, but eventually she spoke up again.

"Loss is something that comes up in fiction a lot. I-it's a huge part of the human experience, so _of course_ it does, but… I've noticed in stories that take place in the distant past, or in medieval fantasy, or post-apocalyptic worlds— _whatever_ — y-you'll see monologues from characters about the faces of the ones they've lost, and how they're harder to recall as time goes on. It's become kind of a cliché, at this point, but anyway… y-you'd think it wouldn't be a problem now because we have cameras and photographs and stuff."

She gestured toward the laptop. "Thanks to modern technology, you can look at them forever, but…" the purple-haired girl hugged her legs close. "It's almost worse. W-when you can look at the pictures, all the nuance just gets... _overwritten_ , so much _faster_ , by the face they make for the camera. Always the same semi-forced smile… I'd give anything to remember what mom looked like when she was bored, or w-when she was yelling at me, or when she was genuinely proud, b-but I can barely visualize anything but _this_."

_Whoa, that suddenly got really deep._

Yuri looked down at the floor, muttering, "M-maybe normal people, who're better at recognizing faces don't have the same problem, I don't know."

"Yuri..."

"A-and it's more than just the face— it's also the memories from when the pictures were taken! They… th-they have that photo as an _aide_ , and so they're easier to recall, and you _think_ about them more often. And so... the ones that aren't in the photo album get pushed f-farther and _farther_ back in your mind, until eventually they disappear forever. I can't decide if I wish I had more pictures, or if I wish I never had any. But… having them here... I-I can't stop looking."

Yuri was on the verge of tears now. She'd managed to get herself quite worked up with that tangent. 

_Maybe I should have avoided the subject?_

"I-I'm sorry," Yuri cut in when Sayori was about to deliver her own apology. "I know this isn't something that really h-has an answer. I'm just _ranting_ at you."

Sayori reached over to touch her hand again. "Hey, that's okay. Everyone needs to vent sometimes. It's perfectly healthy. And besides, what you said was pretty… uh… _deep,_ too. It was interesting to hear, even if it was a bit depressing."

Yuri nodded, seemingly unsure about that response. "H-here," she handed the laptop over to Sayori, "you can choose what to watch."

"Alright," Sayori said as she looked through the Netflix home page. She saw a documentary in passing and it reminded her of what Dori had told her about. "Ooh, I just remembered something one of my friends recommended," she exclaimed. "She really likes animals so…" Clicking on the search icon, Sayori quickly found what she was looking for, and played it. "Here it is! It's about, like, prehistoric salamanders and frogs and stuff."

Yuri smiled back, apparently pleased with this choice, as she took the laptop and placed it in a spot where they could both see. She lasted about twenty minutes before she was slumped over beside Sayori on the bed, breathing loudly, but not quite snoring (at least not _yet_ ), in her sleep.

Sayori smiled as she looked at her dozing friend. Yuri's hand was clasped onto her own, and she wasn't sure if it had happened before or after the girl had fallen asleep. It did feel funny, to have such a pretty girl holding onto her like this. She shouldn't make it weird though. Ogling her friends was… not nice. Sayori shook her head and focused on the documentary.

\------------

"I-is it alright if I drive her home?" Yuri asked her aunt. It was dark outside, now, and even colder than before— probably no more than five degrees celsius, so getting a ride was definitely an appealing option, compared to waiting around at the bus stop. 

_I should have brought an actual coat, then I wouldn't have to impose on them like this…_

Ri eyed the two of them skeptically. "Are you sure that's okay, with how drowsy you've been?"

"I'm feeling good right now," Yuri said. "A-and it's not like I've been narcoleptic or anything."

"Alright," said the woman after a moment's hesitation. "Just... be careful. And make sure you come back right away, or I'll be worried."

Yuri nodded, getting up to don her coat and shoes.

"Thanks again for having me," Sayori said to Yuri's aunt and uncle before doing the same. "The dinner was delicious."

"Any time," said Ri with a smile, as her husband nodded beside her.

Sayori followed her friend out the door and to a small black coupe. It unlocked with a click as they approached. Opening the passenger door and plopping into her seat, she noticed that the smell of pizza and sandwiches lingered in the car, even when no deliveries were being made. The inside of the vehicle was worn with age but clean, and the engine hummed pleasantly as it started.

"Y-you can play some music if you'd like," Yuri offered, indicating to an aux cord sticking out of a… cassette deck?

_Cool!_

"Whoa, a cassette player?"

"Mmm," Yuri nodded. "The car was built in 2004, and even then they were kind of rare, b-but it was the most basic model available when the first owner bought it, apparently." She fiddled with the manual window crank as she spoke. "Mom used to call it the cheapomobile _._ B-but Uncle's always done a good job taking care of it though, so it still runs nicely."

"Thirteen years old, huh? I'll have to tell my brother your car is the same age as him. Is your uncle into working on cars?"

Yuri nodded. "Mhmm. He wants to move to a free-standing house with a garage someday, so he can work on project cars in his free time. B-but for now he has a friend's place that he uses when either of the cars need work."

"Ah, cool," Sayori said. 

Based on Yuri's expression as she spoke, and the feelings that she'd previously expressed about her impact on the finances of her aunt and uncle, Sayori could tell that the girl felt guilty— like she was a roadblock, standing in the way of her uncle's dream. "They really love you, y'know. I can tell. So don't go thinking that they view you as a burden, okay?" Sayori could see it in their eyes— not just Ri but also Tadashi, in his own quiet way— that Yuri meant just as much to them as their own child. 

"E-even if they don't… it doesn't mean I'm not making things harder. They probably would have been able to afford a house by now if—"

"Oh shush!" Sayori interrupted. "Don't worry about _'would have'_ or _'could have,'_ okay? They made the decision they wanted to make because they love you." As she said that, Sayori realized how big of a hypocrite she was— all the time she spent thinking about how much better off her parents and her friends would be without her, and she had the nerve to say these things to Yuri?

But seeing Yuri go through those same feelings from an outside perspective… maybe her ideas would look just as silly to someone else. Maybe she should take her own advice and stop making herself feel bad over the decisions her loved ones happily made.

"H-hey Yuri… if… if it goes like everyone tells you, and it ends up helping a lot… could you let me know? Maybe… maybe I could try it too."

Yuri stole a glance at her before turning her eyes back to the road. "O-of course." She was silent for a few moments. "N-not to be dismissive, or… _presumptuous,_ but… the beginning might not be _as hard_ for you. Since you're not so… terrified of strangers. A-and you're good at talking. And you p-probably wouldn't get sent to the hospital if you brought it up the right way."

"It sounds almost like you'd _rather_ I start sooner than later."

Yuri shrank down a little in the driver's seat, looking guilty. "I'm sorry. I just… e-ever since finding that rope… just… I'm scared that you– th-that I might lose you. I-I've been thinking about it a lot, and having some nightmares about it... A-and… well, I haven't _named_ you, b-but I've told my therapist about how much I worry about _'my friend who's in a similar situation,'_ a-and she always says how getting treatment would help you…"

Sayori bit her lip. Yuri did have a point— she didn't suffer from crippling social anxiety like the purple-haired girl, but the idea of opening up to her parents and having them take her to the doctor for stuff that was all in her head… it was still a lot to ask.

"I-I'll… think about it," she said, earning a nod from her friend.

The rest of the drive passed in silence. Sayori had never chosen a song to play, after all. Soon they were in front of Sayori's house. 

"So you remembered the whole way after only coming here once? I'm impressed," Sayori joked. The route consisted of about three or four turns, mostly comprising a single, long straight road.

Apparently the humor went over Yuri's head, though, because she got bashful. "I-it's really simple— just a few turns. A-and I usually need to fully memorize routes before I go anywhere, or else I get really stressed."

Sayori shook her head and smiled. "Even for your deliveries at work?"

Yuri nodded. "I-I know all the streets within our delivery range by heart."

"Whoa, really? Now that's _actually_ impressive."

Even in the darkness, Sayori could see her blush. "Oh, let me give you some gas money before I forget…"

Shaking her head, Yuri shot her down. "Th-that's not necessary. It was barely over ten minutes. I n-needed a break from being inside anyway."

"Hmm… alright. But if this becomes a regular thing you're gonna have to let me pay you once in a while!" Sayori leaned over the center console of the car to give Yuri a quick hug, before stepping out of the vehicle. "It was nice to spend time with you today, Yuri. Be careful on your way back!"

With a nod and a wave, Yuri took off in her little car, soon disappearing around the corner. 

Sayori went inside, and after talking to her parents for a while and petting Tiny, who was purring in her mom's lap, Sayori headed upstairs to her room. When she pulled out her phone, she saw the number 3 in a little bubble on her text message app, meaning three different people had texted her.

_Ooh, look at little miss popular over here,_ Sayori thought as she giggled to herself. Flopping down onto her bed, she opened the app. 

The oldest unread thread was from Yuri.

[I made it home safely.]

[Thank you for coming today.]

[And thank you for putting up with me falling asleep. I'm sorry for that.]

Next was Yuri's aunt.

[Wow thank you so much!!!]

[That was the most Yuri has talked at dinner in so long. You're a miracle worker!]

[Please come back any time :D]

  
  


Sayori giggled at the difference in tone between Ri and Yuri's text messages—It almost seemed like Ri was the teenager and Yuri was the middle-aged woman. 

Then she considered what Yuri's aunt had said. She'd managed to get Yuri to participate in the conversation _a little bit_ , but it hadn't seemed like anything too crazy. Not more than she talked at lunch when they ate together at school. Was she more closed off when Sayori wasn't around? Why would that be the case?

Setting the thought aside, she saw that the most recently updated conversation was from Em. She sent some quick replies to Yuri and her aunt before reading his messages.

[How was dinner?]

[Is Yuri doing okay?]

[She's been in rough shape lately.]

Sayori hummed to herself. What exactly could she say to express the situation without outing any of Yuri's secrets? Everyone knew that she'd been in the hospital, but just assumed she was sick. Sayori figured she could just let them keep thinking that, so she replied,

[She's getting there.]

[The hospital was super stressful for her.]

[We held hands, though :P]

A reply came back immediately.

[DUDE WHAT? SO YOU TWO ARE AN ITEM NOW?]

[So she finally confessed to you?!?]

[That's awesome!]

[Congratulations!!!]

Sayori gaped at her phone screen for a moment, taken aback by Em's conclusions.

[Jeez wdym]

[She just fell asleep and grabbed onto my hand]

[Why would Yuri like ME?]

[Why would anyone really]

[A dumpster fire is fun to watch but nobody wants to jump inside]

[Ya cray]

The 'typing' bubble showed up and disappeared several times before a message finally came.

[Sayori. stop.]

That was new. He hadn't sent any messages like that before, even that time she spent a whole day spamming him with pictures of bananas in weird places. 

More texts started pouring in before she could reply.

[She has feelings for you]

[You're like the most perceptive person I've ever met]

[There's no way you haven't seen it]

[Stop pretending it's something else]

[I could tell by like the third day at the club]

[I asked Nat and she said Yuri's been looking at you with googly eyes for months.]

[Fuck off with this self deprecating nonsense okay?]

[You're an amazing person]

[You deserve love]

Well… that was a lot to take in.

Sayori let her phone slip out of her hand and onto the bed as she stared at the old glow-in-the-dark stars plastered onto her ceiling.

Yuri's deep blush when Sayori suggested they go out after school together, and again the time she'd wiped the girl's tears away in the stairwell.

How she'd accidentally admitted that she found Sayori's body type attractive when they were walking together in Milltown.

Her words from their bridge confrontation, about Sayori's voice helping her feel better on bad days.

The look in Yuri's eyes when Sayori promised to play Ukulele for her.

And the implications of the text message she'd just received from Yuri's aunt.

Em was right.

Some part of her had sensed it for a while, but she'd kept dismissing it, batting it away with rationalizations and excuses. 

"Yuri… likes me."

A mixture of joy and dread filled Sayori's stomach as she whispered the words to herself. It felt nice, in a way, to know that _someone_ could care for her in that way, but...

While Sayori was quite fond of Yuri, and found her physically attractive (Who wouldn't? Yuri was tall, and soft, and curvy, and her hair was so nice and silky and her eyes were the most _beautiful_ shade of purple…), she couldn't call her positive feelings _romantic._ Knowing that the other girl felt that way… Sayori couldn't reciprocate those feelings. Not yet, at least. It hadn't even been three weeks since her _years_ of pining had been stomped out. She was _just now_ able to make it through the day without getting upset about that— forget about falling for somebody new.

But what about Yuri? She was already having such a hard time— If she confessed and Sayori rejected her, she'd be devastated. 

Sayo couldn't just _avoid_ Yuri, though. Not with the promises they'd made, and how attached to her Yuri seemed to be. She was growing quite attached to the other girl herself.

Maybe if Sayori just let things develop… maybe if she _tried_ to see Yuri in that way, or at least be open to the idea… eventually she would? She'd just have to hope it happened before Yuri ever worked up the nerve to ask her out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow it's been a hot minute, hasn't it?  
> I was kind of able to get a little bit of a pipeline going with the extra time, though- the next chapter is more than half written, which is better than the last two, where I hadn't even started the following chapter upon publishing.
> 
> So Sayori finally let the evidence overcome her low self-esteem, eh? Look forward to the next two chapters taking place during the sleepover! I know that's often a staple (if slightly cliche) setting for this kind of fic.  
> This one ended up feeling pretty long even though I don't feel like a _ton_ happened. I hope it's still okay, though. 
> 
> I know it's been pretty focused on Yuri lately, and I'm sorry if it's too much. I typically decide what happens next in the story based on how I think the characters would react to what's going on, and it would be kinda weird for them to ignore their friend disappearing for a week in the hospital and then coming back like a husk. But thanks for sticking around, if you're still reading this.
> 
> Also I want to say thank you so much to everyone. over 150 kudos on this thing is crazy, and all the comments— reading them makes my day. Thank you all for making me feel special, on top of the innate fulfillment of working on a creative project.

**Author's Note:**

> Questions? Comments? Typos to point out? I'm delighted to receive any kind of feedback so feel welcome to say something!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [The Diary of Miss Brown.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28556631) by [EmilyJ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmilyJ/pseuds/EmilyJ)




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